Human Nature

I woke up with a dead feeling in my chest. I knew that feeling and I knew what it was from, but I could not bring myself to let it enter my mind, let alone my heart. I kept my eyes shut and tried to fall back asleep. Tears trickled down my face uncontrollably and I hugged the pillow to my chest, I tried to keep the sobs low and dignified but I could not. Why Jasper? Why was everything taken away from me and nothing given back?

But something had been given back. Zane. I smiled through my tears at the thought of his face, his deep gray eyes, the way he looked down shyly when he smiled, how his hair fell in his face. He was impressive, not to mention gorgeous. My heart thudded in my chest and I flushed as his face flickered in my mind. Holding his hand yesterday hadn’t seemed to bother him, but he probably thought I was just in need of some affection. Or did he? I really didn’t want him to leave, but how was I supposed to make him put his life on hold for me?
Maybe he could stay here, instead of that hotel. Maybe he would think I was being too clingy if I asked him to stay longer, or maybe he would like it and accept. He did say I could keep him hostage for as long as I wanted, but what did that imply? He was out of High School, so it wasn’t like I was taking away from that part of his life. I got out of bed and climbed in the shower.

Zane was staying in the den, on the fold out couch I often crashed on when I felt like watching TV all night. But if he did want to stay with me, I couldn’t let him stay there all the time. The sudden image of him sleeping with me crossed my mind, but I pushed that thought away with a little less enthusiasm than I would have hoped. I had only known him for a day, but I was willing to do that? I went over the blue print of our house in my mind quickly, if anything to push the other, more interesting thoughts out.

There were four bedrooms in the house, two of which were being used, no, only one now. But I couldn’t give him Jaspers room. There was the guest bedroom but that room never seemed to heat up in the winter. The other room was the junk room, as we called it. It was used for Jaspers guitars and the band when they slept over, which would never be again.

I breathed in slowly but let the tears fall. I got out of the shower and put on a thick, black, boat neck sweater and a pair of black jeans. I slid into my warm woolen slippers and combed and dried my hair. I put it in two braids today, still thinking about what room would be best. My mind kept flashing to the possibility of us staying in the same room; my room was the warmest, after all. I put on a thin layer of mascara and eyeliner like I did almost every day and walked slowly down the hall and then down the stairs. I wondered if he was even up, given the lack of noise, and even debated on whether I should go back upstairs and wait for him when the hearty scent of pancakes wafted through the air. I didn’t have anything to eat last night, which wasn’t uncommon for me, but meant I was starving now.

He was flipping the pancakes through the air as I came up behind him. I tapped him on the shoulder, making him jump. The pancake hit the floor and left batter everywhere. He turned around to look at me, giving me a ridiculous look I suppose he thought was a scowl. Of course, I had to burst out laughing.

“Ooops,” I murmured, and threw my arms around him.

“Good morning to you too!” He said, and I felt his smile through my sweater. I let him go and looked at him, my arms still around his neck. I gazed into his eyes for a moment and then brought my lips crashing down on his. It took him a second to respond, then I felt his lips warm and soft on mine. I heard him set the pan down on the stove and wrap his arms around my waist. The smell of burning metal brought us back to reality. He let me go immediately and attended to the stove.

“Sorry.” I said, but before I knew it, he had turned the stove off and was kissing me again, his hands running through my hair. I felt his tongue trace the contours of my lip and I pressed myself even closer to him. I ran my own fingers through his hair and reveled in its silky texture. We broke apart gasping for air.

“Don’t ever be sorry,” He whispered, and smiled crookedly. I blushed and busied myself in cleaning up the batter all over the floor.

“You don’t have to do that, Raven.” He said, the crooked smile still in place.

“It’s okay.” I was still a bit breathless, a fact that made him smile even bigger.

“How many pancakes do you want?” I thought about this, but realized I wasn’t hungry anymore, for pancakes.

“Just one please. How many are you having?” He glanced at me from resetting up his pancake factory.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” He said, and I grimaced, blushing.

“That bad huh?” I bit my lip, looking hurt. He stopped what he was doing entirely and ran his finger over my lips.

“If you were any better it would kill me.” He smiled and I ran my fingers down the side of his face.

“Are you really hungry Rave? For pancakes I mean.” I felt my heart skip a beat at the use of my brother’s nickname for me and once again the realization of his death hit me like a wrecking ball. I blinked back the tears and shook my head, breaking away from him and sitting down at the breakfast nook. He frowned at me, wondering if he had done something wrong.

“Are you okay, I didn’t mean anything by that, I’m sorry…” He sounded so desperate that I had to look up at him.

“It’s not you, it’s just… that’s what my brother used to call me.” I finally just let myself break down and cry. Zane knelt down and pulled me into his embrace. I hid my face in his shirt, hoping he didn’t care if I soaked it through with tears. My rhythmic sobs slowly turning into choking hiccups.

“I’m sorry.” I said to him, turning my face away in shame. I was being so stupid, letting myself go in front of him. I never did this in front of Jasper and he was my brother, I had known Zane for barely a day. But I wanted to just let go, to forgive myself for the abominable way I had treated my only brother. I wanted to get to know this wonderful boy holding me, but I didn’t want to feel guilty every time I looked at him and thought ‘replacement.’ What would Jasper want? Was my only excuse. Of course he would want me to be happy. Zane put his finger under my chin and lifted my tear-streaked face to eye level.

“It’s okay Raven. Every thing’s gonna be alright.” He soothed me, pulling me into his lap and rocking back and forth. I made my decision then.