Just a Freak

"You're a freak,"

Thanks, Jason.

Jason told me I was a freak in Calculus. Mr. Geiger's class.

"Fuck you. I know I am."

"You're fat."

"Thanks."

"You're ugly."

"I know."

"We all hate you."

"I hate you too."

"Why don't you just go die?"

"No ones tried to kill me yet."

Maybe I gave him ideas. Or maybe he just thinks I'm a freak.

"Is there a problem?"

I looked up at Mr. Geiger. He's gorgeous.

Jason shook his head.

Mr. Geiger took me aside.

"I wish you would just calm down," He whispered.

Cute. He cared about me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you make me worry."

Already? It's been barely a week.

"You're different from the others. It makes me worry about you. Have you gone to Guidance?"

"They make me go every week."

He sighed. He had stubble. Sexy stubble.

"Don't worry, Mr. G," I said. "I'm okay."

He was so cute, worrying about me.

Why did he worry so much? I didn't need anyone to worry about me.

Poor Mr. G.

In World Civ. I sketched a picture of myself, moshing as usual. I put the lyrics to Lithium by Nirvana all over the paper. I like to mosh to it.

Kurt has friends in his head. I don't even have friends in my head.

I ripped it up and left it on the desk for whoever sits their next block.

Dad called. He called me Princess.

Mom picked at the dinner I made and talked on the phone with my Aunt Lisa.

Nana scolded me for my messy hair.

Again with the fucking hair.

Sometimes I wish they'd fucking leave me alone.

I went upstairs and listened to Beck.

Soy un perdador.

So tonight Mom came up and yelled at me to clean my room.

She never comes up.

She never cares about my room.

She really screamed. I have no idea where that came from.

I told her to get the fuck out.

I hate her. Bitch.

I have lots of scissors in my room.

I took a pair and ran the blade across my arm. I hear a lot about people cutting and feeling better from it.

It just hurt.

I just hate myself even more.

But I'm still just there.

I'm still a freak.

Will it end?

I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual, un-ending black hole. The black hole of Freaks.

How did I end up here?

It just happened.

Bobby.

It started with Bobby.

Thanks, Bobby.

You just had to go and die.

My life is a mess.

A complete mess.

I can't fix it. I can't fix anything.