You Brought Me Your Sorrow, I Brought You My Love

Annie’s POV

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to Daniella,
Happy Birthday to you!

“Yay!” Daniella cheered excitedly as everyone clapped. She took a deep breath and blew her candles.

“Good girl,” Gerard kissed her cheek. “Now say, ‘I’m a big girl’.”

“I’m a big girl!” she actually shouted and threw her arms up in the air, bouncing on his lap. ‘She is a big girl now. Already a year old.’

“Good, now give Mommy a kiss.”

Daniella walked over to me and gave me a kiss on my cheek, “I love you, Mommy.”

“Aww, I love you too, baby,” I hugged her.

“Okay, birthday girl,” Gerard placed her on his lap again, “Cake first or presents first?”

“Presents!” Frank blurted. Gerard placed his hand over Frank’s mouth, “Dude, I’m asking her.”

“Can I open my presents, Daddy?” she asked, still retaining her baby accent.

“Okay, let’s go!” Frank scooped her up into his arms and ran over to a corner where all her birthday presents were gathered. Ray and Bob sent their gifts a week earlier. Mikey would come with Alicia and my in-laws tonight.

“Can I get you anything?” Gerard sat closer next to me, placing an arm around me. I was trying to handle the slight headache I was feeling.

“No, I’m fine,” I shook my head. My scalp felt itchy from the wig I was wearing but I had to be patient. I didn’t wanna scare my baby. Not on her first birthday anniversary.

“Cakes?” Gerard looked into my eyes.

“Uh, sure. Maybe just a thin slice.”

Gerard got me the cake and sat back on the side of the hospital bed. He offered to feed me but I preferred to do it myself.

“After this, we all can take a picture,” I heard Jamia said to Frank as they both kept Daniella company, helping her with her birthday presents. I was hoping she would love the white gold necklace I got for her. It was something I knew would last with her for all time. I didn’t mean to sound morbid but my intuition was hinting a dark future.

* * *

“She’ll be fine with us,” Mikey assured to Gerard & I before taking Daniella back to our home. I kissed and hugged my baby before handing her into Alicia’s arms.

“Goodnight, children,” Donna kissed me on the cheek and hugged Gerard. “Take care of her, Gerard.”

“Yeah, Mom. I will,” he nodded and they left the room. I sat still on my bed when Gerard started to pick up the used paper plates and Styrofoam cups, throwing them into the bin.

“Oh shit,” he picked up a pacifier on the table, “Mikey forgot Daniella’s pacifier.”

“It’s okay. We have spare pacifiers at home. Alicia knows where they are,” I said to him.

“I’m going to get some coffee? Do you want?”

“Gerard, can I…talk to you for a while?”

He cast me a stare. A look of confusion or curiosity; I couldn’t tell which. “Yeah…sure,” he grabbed a chair and sat by the bed.

“Have you been doing something without my knowledge?”

“Something?” he cocked an eyebrow but I could see he was nervous.

“Here,” I placed the papers I kept under my pillow in front of him, “Those are your credit card bills. You left it here. You bought flight tickets to Paris, stayed in a hotel for 5 days and paid for an ad space everyday in every newspaper in Paris. Why did you go to France two weeks ago? You told me you went to Belleville.”

He sighed at my question. I heard him silently cursing himself.

“Annie, I didn’t mean to lie to you but…I have to do it. It’s important.”

“What were you doing in Paris?”

“I wanna try and find your biological father. Francis Bellevance. They said he was a well-known playwright. If not him, maybe we can find his remaining family members.”

“Oh God, Gerard,” I dropped my jaw in shock, “You’re still thinking about the bone marrow operation?!”

“Annie, this is a huge opportunity for you. You can survive,” he tried to feed my mind with hopes of surviving.

“Gerard, please! Wake up! You have no idea where he is! Big chances he’s already dead!”

“I can find him!”

“I don’t have that much time to wait for him!” I burst into tears, “My end is nearing, Gerard. Accept it…please, I beg you.”

“Are you just gonna give up?! Annie, you can’t leave now! Daniella needs you! I need you.”

“This is not about giving up! It’s a different story now! I’m not improving and you know that, Gerard. I…I’m slowly fading. Please understand. I don’t need all that drugs anymore or any fucking operation. I…I just wanna be with the people I love so much, as often as I can.”

“You don’t have to choose the die.”

“I never did. It comes rolling down my way and I have to take it. Just please…understand this pain I’m having. I don’t want you to go to waste just because I’m gone.”

“I love you. I can’t do it,” he leaned closer and embraced me.

“Baby, please don’t make me feel bad about this. If you really love me, please do this for me. Just one thing.” I held him tightly. I didn’t wanna forget him, now that I was slowly beginning to forget some things.

“Annie, I can’t do it…” he cried together with me.

“I just want you to live. That’s all. Live,” I kissed his neck. “Live and move on. Do it for me.”

***A MONTH LATER***

Gerard’s POV

The wait was hell. I was feeling the same fear I had when I first learnt about death. The same fear when Mama Elena died. I was still very much in a state of shock.

“I know you can be a great father. Take very good care of Daniella. She’s the only treasure we ever had together.” Her words freakishly kept ringing in my head. I was afraid they would be her last.

Part of my pain flew away when the doctor who was examining Annie came out of her room. Everyone was there- Mom, Dad, Mikey, Alicia, Frank and Jamia. I called them right away after the doctor started to examine my wife. Annie was suffocating and she was complaining of pain in her joints.

“How is she?” I quickly asked, folding my arms to my chest.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Way. Your wife is not going to last long. She can die anytime soon. The cancer has totally spread all over her systems and we can’t do anything. She’s on a life support now but that won’t last too. I think it’s time for everyone to say good bye to her.”

Jamia gasped at the news and Frank had to hug her tightly from falling. Mom was already sobbing. I held back mine and rushed to her room. She was lying there, with wires attached on her hand and in her nostrils. Her face was as white as a blank sheet; her lips were too dry and chapped, slowly bleeding. When her eyes fluttered open upon me holding her hand, she smiled despite having her lips split painfully and the red blood oozed from the cuts.

“It’s okay, baby. Don’t smile. I know it hurts,” I said to her, wiping her tears off her face. She couldn’t talk; too weak to even mutter a word. She gripped my hand tightly, pulling me closer. Stroking her lovely face, I stared into her pair of chocolate eyes.

“I know that you have to go,” I said close to her ear, noticing the others coming into the room. Annie nodded weakly. “Before that happens, I want you to know that I love you so much,” I kissed her on her head, “You have been the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and you have been a fantastic mother to our kid. She will be so proud of you. I promise that.” Annie touched my face, with tears rolling down her dry cheeks. I knew she wanted to say something but she couldn’t. “I love you and I will take very good care of Daniella…and I will live, and move on.”

Frank and Jamia came near her hospital bed and I stepped back so they could say goodbye to her.

“Annie, I love you so much. You are always my best friend and I will keep my promise to you to manage your business. We…we’ve shared so many things. This…this is so hard for me,” Jamia broke down and Frank rubbed her back softly, trying to cool her down. Jamia kissed Annie’s head twice, “I won’t forget you and I will watch Daniella for you. I love you, Annie.”

“Hey Annie,” Frank said near her ear, holding her hand tightly, “I wanna thank you for being an awesome friend to the band and to us, personally. We love you, Annie.” He kissed her head before allowing Mom, Dad, Mikey and Alicia to say their last goodbye. Mom was totally drained in tears. She hugged Annie so tightly that Mikey and I had to pull her away. Soon, it was Daniella’s turn to say goodbye. Annie held her in her arms for one last time, stroking her long brown locks lovingly, and caressing her chubby cheeks gently. How hard was it for a mother to part with her child.

Suddenly, Annie gripped my hand very tightly in a snap. She was breathing slowly inhaling and exhaling with obvious difficulty.

“Oh my God! Call the doctor!” Alicia freaked out. Mikey held her back, telling her she didn’t have to. Holding my hand close to her chest, I could feel the erratic pulse of her heart. She started to cough violently, spilling blood on her oxygen mask. All of us were stunned; horrified, but we knew it was the end.

“It’s okay, baby,” I stroked her head gently, looking into her eyes as she struggled with her death, “I’m here. It’s okay. You can go.” I buried my face in her neck, “Ssshhh…it’s okay. You can go. I’m here.”

Annie’s breathing slowed down and I felt her grip loosening. Her eyes slowly closed shut as her chest stopped racing. Then, Annie was motionless. She lay there as if she was in a deep sleep but the heart beat monitor was not beeping and a thin green line marqueed on the indicator screen.

“She’s gone.”

***THE FUNERAL***

Gerard’s POV

The hymns were not comforting me at all. It was a cold, rainy day. It did rain a few hours ago but my heart was not at ease. Ray and Bob arrived with their fiancées that early morning. Not many people attended the funeral. Just a few close friends and relatives.

Then the pastor called me to give my testimonial about my dearly departed wife. It took me a while to actually go upfront to speak up. I wasn’t taking to anyone since Annie blew her last breath. I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat. The sudden emptiness was such a heavy load. ‘I’m all alone. Again.’ Even my Mom’s embrace wasn’t enough to calm my struggling emotions.

“First and foremost, I would like to say thank you from the very core of my soul to everyone who attended this…” I stopped and swallowed, “…this funeral…for my wife, Anneliese Way.” I tried to concentrate but the staring eyes of the guests were a tad distracting. ‘Just keep going, Gerard. Keep going.’

“Annie is like an angel in my life. She came at the most unexpected time and…I was battling with my alcohol addiction. I was still on therapy and I almost didn’t make it if it wasn’t Annie who got rid of all the addictive stuff; the Xanax, the painkillers, the booze. She’s a true friend to our band from day one she started working with us. She’s a wonderful mother, an…amazing wife and…I’m sorry, excuse me,” I stopped and took a deep breath.

“Gerard, do you want to stop now, son?” the pastor held my shoulder gently.

“No, just…just a moment,” I nodded assuringly to him, gathering all my guts to continue. “I feel so empty now that Annie’s gone. She…she did leave me a beautiful baby daughter but she’s…my wife is irreplaceable. I will always love her and she will stay forever in my thoughts. Thank you.”

I walked back and sat next to my brother Mikey. “That’s a great speech, dude,” Mikey squeezed my shoulder, whispering close to my ear. Jamia gave her testimonial as well, and so did the close friends of Annie. When it was time for us to walk to her coffin to pay our final respect for her, I took Daniella from my Mom’s arms. I decided to be the last one in the line. Standing by her open casket, I placed a stalk of red rose on her frozen, cold body; dressed beautifully in a black long dress I picked for the day. The wedding ring was still around her delicate finger. I didn’t want it to be taken off. She lay there, looking so peaceful as if she was in a deep sleep.

“Rest in peace, baby,” I stroked her face, catching the last glimpse of her, “I love you.” I kissed her head as Daniella began to cry. I held my daughter close to my chest and walked away, watching as the lid was slowly brought down and her casket closed shut. It was time for the burial.

* * *

I listened to the pastor’s every word. He was saying the final prayer. They failed to calm my emotions and I was preparing myself for this particular part of the funeral. When the pastor was done, Annie’s coffin was slowly lowered into the burial ground. I stood there, watching with a heavy heart. ‘My wife is gone. I won’t get to see her again.’ I promised her to keep on living and move on with my life. It wasn’t easy but I had to try.

“I wish she was still alive,” I muttered to Frank. “I…I can’t do it alone.”

“Dude, you will get through this. We are here to help you. Annie’s gone. Let her go. Now it’s time for you to pay attention to Daniella. She needs you more than ever now that Annie’s gone.”

“I’m sorry about your wife,” a man came towards us. He was sharply dressed in a black trench coat, smoking a panatela.

“Thanks,” Frank replied on my behalf, “Do we know you? Or you know Annie?”

“I knew her, but not that closely. She was my stepdaughter.”

“Matthew Filmore?” I cocked an eye. The man just gave me a sly smile.

“I’m surprised you know me. Annie must have told you about me.”

“She’s not related to you. Why are you here?”

“Well, Gerard, she’s still a love child that my late wife had. I’m still related to her even though she’s a bastard.”

I swung my fist and punched him right at the face when he said that. He insulted my late wife. I was infuriated. “Don’t you fucking say that about my wife!” My heart was blazing with rage. Everyone was looking at us but I didn’t care.

“It’s the truth. Right?” he managed to smirk, wiping the blood off his nose. I lunged and grabbed him by the collar, pushing him against a tree.

“One more word coming out of your mouth; ONE MORE…!” I stared right into his eyes, “And I’ll slit your fucking throat.” I threatened him.

“Gerard,” I felt Frank holding me from behind, “Let him go. Leave him alone. He’s just a bad luck.”

“Don’t make me do it,” I punched him once in the stomach before my band mates pulled me away. “I’m warning you,” I stopped struggling, and pointed a finger to him. He bent down slowly, still in pain over my punch, and took his hat before he left the scene.

“Oh, Gerard,” Mom came and hugged me tightly, “Be patient, honey. Be patient.”

“I’m trying, Mom. I’m trying…!” I sobbed, feeling Mikey’s arms around us.

“We’re all in this together, Gerard,” my Dad said and the four of us hugged tightly as I forced myself to cool down.

* * *

I tried to get used to being single again. The only difference was that I wasn’t exactly alone. I had a child to take care of. Since Annie’s death, my life took a different turn. My everyday life was routine and pointless. We did the same shit everyday; my daughter and I. It got to a point where my life got so fucking boring I started jacking myself up every night and later, cried and wept all by myself until I fell asleep, waking up the next day to the same shit. The idea of suicide seemed to be the perfect decision ever each day, growing to be more interesting and tempting. My parents thought I needed help so they made me went for intense psychotherapy sessions. During that, I reflected so many things in my life and it helped me a lot to move on. After a few weeks, I was completely stable and a new line of tour dates for MCR came into my inbox, and I decided to take Daniella with me.

“Daddy, where are we going?” she licked her ice cream as I paid for it. I took her tiny hand and walked out of the ice cream shop, heading towards the others. We were gathered at the airport to board a flight to Australia.

“We’re going to a place where you get to see real kangaroos and koala bears,” I explained, placing her on my lap. She had a teddy koala bear given to her by Emily; Annie’s sister.

“Why Mommy don’t want to come?”

It wasn’t the first time she asked me about Annie since Annie’s death. That was one thing I couldn’t handle when Annie died. All of Daniella’s curious questions drove me insane. I didn’t blame her. She was just a kid.

“Mommy’s gone to a better place,” I replied.

“There is a better place than a place with kangaroos, and ice cream, and candy, and teddy bears?”

“Oh sure,” I stroked her silky hair, “There is the best place of all places. I’ll tell you what it is when you get older, alright?”

“Okay,” she grinned and kept licking her ice cream. I kissed my daughter on her cheek and secretly praying this would be easy for me. I couldn’t bear another pain.

THE END