Writing Words To The Music In Her Head
Blinded By The Silence Of A Thousand Broken Hearts
After an hour of walking around just talking, Tré and I decided that it was time to go home to Billie’s and Mike’s. I was glad that Tré could open up like this to me. He told me things I’d never dream of hearing him say, and some things were so personal I can’t even tell you. But it brought us even closer.
When we came home to their small apartment, which were filled with empty McDonald’s paper bags and beer bottles, the guys were sitting by the TV watching a movie. Lucy had gone home, so there were only Mike, Billie and Adrienne there.
It was a really small place. There were no hall, you just stepped into the living room as soon as you opened the door. There was a small room to the left which was supposed to be a kitchen (but the stove wasn’t used at all). Then there was a bathroom, and in the living room, they had one bed and a sofa. There were a fold-out sofa, so you could sleep on that, too.
But despite of the weird smell that none of us really knew where it came from, this felt more like a home to me than the house I lived in. Sure, I hadn’t lived there for more than a few months, but I hadn’t spent much time here, either; and still it felt more personal and safe.
The only bad thing about it was Adie. Billie had his arm around her shoulders, and she rested her head against him. I could even see him smell her hair, and it disgusted me. Not in the “euw, he just smelled her hair” kind of way, but in the “euw, I’m so fucking jealous it makes me sick” kind of way.
Tré kicked of his shoes, and that made all of them turn their heads to see who was coming.
“Hey,” Mike waved and smiled. “We’re watching a movie.”
Tré nodded and sat down on the floor, with his back against the couch. I sat down next to him. Yeah, it was small, but comfortable.
“Which movie?” Tré asked and yawned.
“Back to the future,” Mike replied and started to play with my hair.
I didn’t concentrate on the movie at all. I had already seen it a bunch of time and my biggest dream when I was younger was to have a time machine in shape of a DeLorean (which was still something I wanted)… (Uh… I think I lost the subject?)
But my mind wasn’t drifting of to how poorly Dad treated us, or how sorry I felt for Tré. All I could think of now was Billie. I still wondered about that night he slept at our house. How his whole body was quivering and his eyes were overflowing with suppressed tears. I just wanted to know what happened, and I thought he wanted me to know, too. I mean, he was just about to tell me once before Tré interrupted, so it had to be something he too thought a lot about. I just wanted to know why he freaked out like that.
I don’t know when, but soon enough I fell asleep right there, sitting on the floor with Tré’s hand safely grasping mine.
*
I woke up, tangled in a sheet, and as I slowly opened my eyes I realized that I was in a bed in between Tré and Mike. I yawned softly and closed my eyes again. I thought I had heard something, like, someone walking around, but I guessed it was only a dream. Might as well fall back asleep.
But then I heard it again. This time it was someone sniffing, and a small whimper. I sat up in the bed and looked around. As soon as my eyes got used to the darkness, I could make out that Billie was standing against a wall. He saw that I saw him, and looked away.
“Billie…?” I whispered.
He just held his hand up and shook his head, looking away again. He was only in a t-shirt and some boxers. His black hair was in it’s usual, charming mess. And I couldn’t just go back to sleep seeing him like that. His body was shaking and I could almost see him cry.
“Billie, please,” I mumbled and stood up, walking towards him.
He sighed then, and looked up at me.
“Come on,” he muttered and took my hand, leading me into the bathroom.
We got in and he closed the door behind us. It was an awkwardly small bathroom, and our bodies were almost touching. But I couldn’t care less. My eyes were stuck, staring into Billie’s. Tears were falling from them, and he bit his bottom lip not to sob.
“Billie, what’s the matter?” I asked and caressed his shoulder softly.
Seeing him like this made me want to cry, too.
“It’s nothing, I just…,” Billie’s voice was small and high pitched. “God!”
He looked up in the ceiling and started to shake again.
“It’s okay… You don’t have to tell me,” I mumbled and wrapped my arms around his waist.
He sighed in relief and put his arms around me too, his face buried in the crook of my neck. I don’t know for how long we were standing like that. Billie could seem calm one moment and start to shake hysterically in another, tears practically streaming down my shoulder. I cried a little, too. Because I felt sorry for him, and I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stand seeing someone else break down like this. He seemed even worse hurt than Tré had seemed when dad kicked him out. But what was wrong with him?
At last, Billie let go of me and leaned against the door. He dried the tears with the back of his hand and sighed.
“I… I’m sorry for this,” he said, his voice slightly cracking.
“It’s okay,” I answered automatically. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
He smiled a half-smile.
“Right,” he nodded, clearly not believing me. “You know, I just… Have these kind off breakdowns sometimes…”
I watched him carefully, trying not to show any other expression than support on my face. I would help him, not bring him further down or try to force him up. I would… just stand by his side.
“Um, it’s kind of panic attacks,” Billie continued. “I can’t really control them, I get them once in a while if someone else has been hurt or something’s happened… Sometimes they just come for no reason at all.”
I nodded slowly. I couldn’t believe he was finally telling me t his. I had known there was something wrong with him… Well, not really wrong, but I knew he had problems that he had a hard time dealing with, not to mention sharing. I wondered what he felt like, getting it off his chest. Did Mike know this? Adie?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Thanks,” Billie replied. “It was the same thing that happened that night when Mike and I came over and played Dare and Dare and all that, you know…”
“Oh,” I nodded. “And that was one of those ‘no reason at all’ times, right?”
“Well,” he scratched the back of his head. I was happy to see that he was calmer now. “Not really. I… kind of had a crush on you back then and… seeing Mike kiss you didn’t make things easier.”
Wait- what?!
“A-are you kidding me?”
“Keep your voice down,” Billie shushed me. “I’m not kidding you, okay? But don’t worry, I’m over it.”
Worry? What… I just couldn’t find the right words to describe how surprised I was. Billie had a crush on me, and I hadn’t even notice. At all.
“I… It’s okay, I sort of had a crush on you, too,” I admitted. Oh, my God. I can’t believe I’m telling him this. What is wrong with me? God! He’ll think I still love him. Well, I do, but that’s beside the point. God…
“Really?” It was Billie’s turn to look stupid now. His mouth hung open and his eyebrows were raised high on his forehead in surprise. “Wow… I can’t believe it. You were good at hiding it.”
I still am…
“Yeah, well, so were you,” I smiled.
He smiled back, showing all of his teeth. His teeth were so adorable. They were going their own way, just like he did. All sticking out in the wrong direction. I realized I was still staring at them when he coughed.
“Sorry,” I said. “I just think they’re cute.”
“… My teeth?” Billie tried to smother a laughter.
“Well, yes,” I said.
“Right…, Freak of nature…”
“I’m not a ‘freak of nature’!” I defended myself.
“Whatever,” he laughed. “Come on, we should get some sleep. And I don’t think the others would like seeing us going out from the bathroom together.”
“Of course, now that I’m a freak you run as fast as you can,” I grumbled.
“Aw, don’t be like that,” he giggled and hugged me again. “Thanks for the talk.”
I felt my heart beating faster. Oh, God, he’s so wonderful.
“Thanks for telling me,” I said.
I was just about to let go, but he held a stronger grip around me then, keeping me close. We looked into each other’s eyes. His was filled with… something I sometimes saw in Mike’s eyes. Usually after we’d had sex or just at random moments. I recalled it was something like… love.
“Really,” Billie breathed. “Thank you.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. I felt myself drawing my lips closer to his.
“Sarah, I…”
Suddenly I realized what we were about to do. I let go of him quickly, and shook my head.
“Sorry,” I said, holding up my hands. “Just… got caught up in the moment.”
I couldn’t even look at him while I talked.
“I… you go first, so no one suspects anything. I’ll be right with you.”
The door opened and closed then, and I was alone. I had to sit down on the toilet seat, trying to comprehend what the hell just happened.
But I couldn’t. I could barely believe that this conversation had ever taken place. I sighed to myself, and went to bed.
When we came home to their small apartment, which were filled with empty McDonald’s paper bags and beer bottles, the guys were sitting by the TV watching a movie. Lucy had gone home, so there were only Mike, Billie and Adrienne there.
It was a really small place. There were no hall, you just stepped into the living room as soon as you opened the door. There was a small room to the left which was supposed to be a kitchen (but the stove wasn’t used at all). Then there was a bathroom, and in the living room, they had one bed and a sofa. There were a fold-out sofa, so you could sleep on that, too.
But despite of the weird smell that none of us really knew where it came from, this felt more like a home to me than the house I lived in. Sure, I hadn’t lived there for more than a few months, but I hadn’t spent much time here, either; and still it felt more personal and safe.
The only bad thing about it was Adie. Billie had his arm around her shoulders, and she rested her head against him. I could even see him smell her hair, and it disgusted me. Not in the “euw, he just smelled her hair” kind of way, but in the “euw, I’m so fucking jealous it makes me sick” kind of way.
Tré kicked of his shoes, and that made all of them turn their heads to see who was coming.
“Hey,” Mike waved and smiled. “We’re watching a movie.”
Tré nodded and sat down on the floor, with his back against the couch. I sat down next to him. Yeah, it was small, but comfortable.
“Which movie?” Tré asked and yawned.
“Back to the future,” Mike replied and started to play with my hair.
I didn’t concentrate on the movie at all. I had already seen it a bunch of time and my biggest dream when I was younger was to have a time machine in shape of a DeLorean (which was still something I wanted)… (Uh… I think I lost the subject?)
But my mind wasn’t drifting of to how poorly Dad treated us, or how sorry I felt for Tré. All I could think of now was Billie. I still wondered about that night he slept at our house. How his whole body was quivering and his eyes were overflowing with suppressed tears. I just wanted to know what happened, and I thought he wanted me to know, too. I mean, he was just about to tell me once before Tré interrupted, so it had to be something he too thought a lot about. I just wanted to know why he freaked out like that.
I don’t know when, but soon enough I fell asleep right there, sitting on the floor with Tré’s hand safely grasping mine.
*
I woke up, tangled in a sheet, and as I slowly opened my eyes I realized that I was in a bed in between Tré and Mike. I yawned softly and closed my eyes again. I thought I had heard something, like, someone walking around, but I guessed it was only a dream. Might as well fall back asleep.
But then I heard it again. This time it was someone sniffing, and a small whimper. I sat up in the bed and looked around. As soon as my eyes got used to the darkness, I could make out that Billie was standing against a wall. He saw that I saw him, and looked away.
“Billie…?” I whispered.
He just held his hand up and shook his head, looking away again. He was only in a t-shirt and some boxers. His black hair was in it’s usual, charming mess. And I couldn’t just go back to sleep seeing him like that. His body was shaking and I could almost see him cry.
“Billie, please,” I mumbled and stood up, walking towards him.
He sighed then, and looked up at me.
“Come on,” he muttered and took my hand, leading me into the bathroom.
We got in and he closed the door behind us. It was an awkwardly small bathroom, and our bodies were almost touching. But I couldn’t care less. My eyes were stuck, staring into Billie’s. Tears were falling from them, and he bit his bottom lip not to sob.
“Billie, what’s the matter?” I asked and caressed his shoulder softly.
Seeing him like this made me want to cry, too.
“It’s nothing, I just…,” Billie’s voice was small and high pitched. “God!”
He looked up in the ceiling and started to shake again.
“It’s okay… You don’t have to tell me,” I mumbled and wrapped my arms around his waist.
He sighed in relief and put his arms around me too, his face buried in the crook of my neck. I don’t know for how long we were standing like that. Billie could seem calm one moment and start to shake hysterically in another, tears practically streaming down my shoulder. I cried a little, too. Because I felt sorry for him, and I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stand seeing someone else break down like this. He seemed even worse hurt than Tré had seemed when dad kicked him out. But what was wrong with him?
At last, Billie let go of me and leaned against the door. He dried the tears with the back of his hand and sighed.
“I… I’m sorry for this,” he said, his voice slightly cracking.
“It’s okay,” I answered automatically. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
He smiled a half-smile.
“Right,” he nodded, clearly not believing me. “You know, I just… Have these kind off breakdowns sometimes…”
I watched him carefully, trying not to show any other expression than support on my face. I would help him, not bring him further down or try to force him up. I would… just stand by his side.
“Um, it’s kind of panic attacks,” Billie continued. “I can’t really control them, I get them once in a while if someone else has been hurt or something’s happened… Sometimes they just come for no reason at all.”
I nodded slowly. I couldn’t believe he was finally telling me t his. I had known there was something wrong with him… Well, not really wrong, but I knew he had problems that he had a hard time dealing with, not to mention sharing. I wondered what he felt like, getting it off his chest. Did Mike know this? Adie?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Thanks,” Billie replied. “It was the same thing that happened that night when Mike and I came over and played Dare and Dare and all that, you know…”
“Oh,” I nodded. “And that was one of those ‘no reason at all’ times, right?”
“Well,” he scratched the back of his head. I was happy to see that he was calmer now. “Not really. I… kind of had a crush on you back then and… seeing Mike kiss you didn’t make things easier.”
Wait- what?!
“A-are you kidding me?”
“Keep your voice down,” Billie shushed me. “I’m not kidding you, okay? But don’t worry, I’m over it.”
Worry? What… I just couldn’t find the right words to describe how surprised I was. Billie had a crush on me, and I hadn’t even notice. At all.
“I… It’s okay, I sort of had a crush on you, too,” I admitted. Oh, my God. I can’t believe I’m telling him this. What is wrong with me? God! He’ll think I still love him. Well, I do, but that’s beside the point. God…
“Really?” It was Billie’s turn to look stupid now. His mouth hung open and his eyebrows were raised high on his forehead in surprise. “Wow… I can’t believe it. You were good at hiding it.”
I still am…
“Yeah, well, so were you,” I smiled.
He smiled back, showing all of his teeth. His teeth were so adorable. They were going their own way, just like he did. All sticking out in the wrong direction. I realized I was still staring at them when he coughed.
“Sorry,” I said. “I just think they’re cute.”
“… My teeth?” Billie tried to smother a laughter.
“Well, yes,” I said.
“Right…, Freak of nature…”
“I’m not a ‘freak of nature’!” I defended myself.
“Whatever,” he laughed. “Come on, we should get some sleep. And I don’t think the others would like seeing us going out from the bathroom together.”
“Of course, now that I’m a freak you run as fast as you can,” I grumbled.
“Aw, don’t be like that,” he giggled and hugged me again. “Thanks for the talk.”
I felt my heart beating faster. Oh, God, he’s so wonderful.
“Thanks for telling me,” I said.
I was just about to let go, but he held a stronger grip around me then, keeping me close. We looked into each other’s eyes. His was filled with… something I sometimes saw in Mike’s eyes. Usually after we’d had sex or just at random moments. I recalled it was something like… love.
“Really,” Billie breathed. “Thank you.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. I felt myself drawing my lips closer to his.
“Sarah, I…”
Suddenly I realized what we were about to do. I let go of him quickly, and shook my head.
“Sorry,” I said, holding up my hands. “Just… got caught up in the moment.”
I couldn’t even look at him while I talked.
“I… you go first, so no one suspects anything. I’ll be right with you.”
The door opened and closed then, and I was alone. I had to sit down on the toilet seat, trying to comprehend what the hell just happened.
But I couldn’t. I could barely believe that this conversation had ever taken place. I sighed to myself, and went to bed.