Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

I tried to act normal after the incident with Mike. I really tried to. I went to School, laughed when I was supposed to and came to band practice every day. But something inside of me was broken, and it made me feel like crying, even though nothing bad had happened. I should’ve felt comfortable around Mike, because he sure felt comfortable around me.
It was like the fight had made him more sure of himself, that he was able to tell me off, without me breaking up with him. But it had done the opposite to me. I felt so insecure about our relationship, myself, everything. Call me pathetic, but it felt like no one liked me.

But today, I really had to put my happy-face on. It was Tré’s birthday, and Billie, Mike, Lucy and Adrienne were supposed to come to our house and celebrate him. I could barely believe that my big brother was turning 18. It meant that he was able to move out, and he was able to do almost anything he wanted. If he was planning on moving out without me, and leave me alone with our dad and Kim, he would have to deal with me first. No way that he could move away from me. Just… no way.

I had ignored Tré all morning. Well, it wasn’t that hard to ignore him. He was still sleeping when I got out of bed, and when he came to the breakfast table, he fell asleep right there. He didn’t seem to have his birthday in mind at all. And… that was a good thing, I guessed.
The party was supposed to be a ‘surprise’ even though he knew all about it. Like Billie could shut up about it when they got high.
Tré’s drinking and smoking habits wasn’t really annoying me anymore. Not at all. What annoyed me was that our dad blamed me for it. Not that I cared, y’know… The old man could go to hell and stay there, but being accused for something I hadn’t caused wasn’t the best feeling. The dirty glares got to me, of course, but I had other stuff on my mind. More important stuff.

*

Kiss. One more kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Mike wouldn’t want to stop. This time I kissed him back the best I could, because I actually gave a shit about it since that ‘fight’ that he ‘won’ (sarcasm has become my second language since I have to lie all the time, nowadays). I focused not to roll my eyes and sigh heavily, like always, and put my hand on the back of his head. He smiled into the kiss and tugged on the hem of my shirt.

“Guys, are you done yet?” Billie tapped my shoulder. “Jeez.”

Thank fucking God for Billie Joe.

“Alright, alright,” Mike smiled dreamily and kissed the tip of my nose once, and I couldn’t help but giggle.

Adrienne and Billie sat there in front of us in the bus, just holding hand. There weren’t anything more than that. Just the hands-holding and smiling, they’d tell each other sweet nothings. Doing that with Mike would drive me insane, but seeing Adie sit next to Billie made me want to… I don’t know, make them jealous.
Or at least Billie. Make him realize that it’s me he wants.

After a while, we were outside of my house. Tré was already inside, waiting for us to arrive.
I felt Mikes hands on my hips, and his hot breath on my neck. I closed my eyes and he kissed it softly.

“Are we going in or what?” Billie asked.

I opened my eyes and looked around. Right.

“Sure,” I answered and Mike released me from his grip. I moved forward and stuck the key into the lock.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Billie, Adrienne, Lucy and Mike shouted when they ran into the house, but we were stopped.

My dad’s angry frown was enough for everyone to know they should just shut up, and it scared the shit out of me. Beside him was Tré; his newly dyed, green hair a mess as usual, wearing those pants with flowers on and a white t-shirt. What wasn’t usual about his appearance, was the guilty look on his face. His piercing, blue eyes were fixed on the floor and he sucked nervously on his bottom lip.
Dad’s hand was determinedly placed on Tré’s shoulder. But not in a soft, caring way. It looked like he was hurting him, holding so tight. And as I looked up at my dad again, he looked even angrier.

“What… what the hell’s happening?” I stuttered, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“Well, your pothead of a brother isn’t living here anymore,” Dad answered and started walking, dragging Tré behind him.

“Wait, what?!” I shouted. “You can’t just do that!”

The others moved from the doorway as dad dragged Tré to it.

“You can’t tell me what to do, Sarah,” Dad told me, and then he looked at Tré. “You know what, Frank? I thought more of you than this… I thought… I didn’t think you’d turn out like her, a punky drug addict.”

I could almost see tears in Dad’s eyes.

“This has nothing to do with Sarah,” Tré yelled, his voice filled with rage.

He pushed dad’s hand away from off his shoulder. Then he pushed dad in the chest with both his hand, full force, so he fell backwards.

“And you fucking know it!” Tré continued. “You don’t want me here? You won’t have me. I don’t give a fuck. But you could at least have said ’happy birthday’, you son of a bitch!”

“Happy birthday,” Dad muttered coldly.

Tré shot him one last glance before he left.

-

The rest of us followed him immediately. Even though I was scared of how Kim was reacting to all of it, because I’m sure she heard it all from her room, I had to talk to Tré. I never, ever thought I’d see our dad kick his good son, Frank, out.

“Hey, Tré,” I tried to keep up with him, but in his rage he just walked faster and faster. Finally, I got so close that I got a grip on him shoulder to stop him.

“What?!” He yelled. “I don’t care what the fuck dad thinks. He’s a fucking idiot.”

“I know, okay?” I sighed.

“I can’t believe he could say that about you. ‘A punky drug addict like her’. You’ve never even tried drugs.”

“Well, he’s an idiot, like you said,” I tried to calm him. “But don’t think about that now.”

“How can I not think about it?” Tré asked, his eyes filled with tears. “I have nowhere to go. Everything’s just… fucking destroyed.”

Happy Tré. Who never got into trouble, who drummed his life away. Others would call it a waste, but it was his life and he loved it. But now, the vulnerability shone from his tear filled eyes, and it made me want to burst out in tears, too.
I hugged him close then, feeling him completely break down in my arms. He shook in my tight embrace, and cried against my shoulder.

“Everything isn’t destroyed, Tré,” I tried to comfort him. “You’ll find some place to stay.”

I heard Billie whisper, “we’re going to my place. See you there.” and they walked away. It was good. Tré and I needed this moment for ourselves. It was our dad. It was our fucked up life.

And as Tré’s tears continued to stain my sweater, I felt kind off happy about it. Sure, everything was twisted around into an unrecognizable mess, and something wouldn’t stop slit and tear inside of my chest. But I wouldn’t have been able to go through something like this without Tré. I wasn’t happy, but I was damn lucky that I got him.

Tré stopped crying for a moment, and looked up at me. His eyes were red and swollen, and I dried his tears with my thumb.

“I love you,” he said, and kissed my cheek.

I managed a smile.

“I love you, too,” I answered.

And there we stood, on Tré’s eighteenth birthday, just holding each other.

In that moment I didn’t care about Mike or Billie; whoever I ended up with, I’d always have Tré. The best brother in the world.