Random Days of the Marauders

James was in a very sour mood. Once again, he had been rejected by the red-headed beauty of his dreams. He was resting his head in an angry fashion on top of his arms and his brows were glued together. The little mouse that runs inside your head was sprinting inside of James's noggin. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. He had devastating good looks, brains, muscles, and a big-

"What are you doing, James?" someone said from the doorway of the boy's dorms.

"What do you mean, Moony?" James asked innocently, trying his best to look like an innocent little kid. Unfortunately for him, Remus wasn't buying it.

"You were looking as if you were agreeing with yourself," Moony explained as he walked over to his bed on the right side of James's and pulled a book out of his chest.

"Another book?" James complained, looking at his friend in a most disgusted way. "You have more books in your trunk than the library!"

"That's not even possible, James." Moony pointed out. At that second, the door burst open, and the third member of the marauder's entered the room. Sirius Black was looking as excited as a little puppy as he skipped over to where his friends were sitting. He was holding something hidden in his hand.

"Guess what I found!" Sirius sang.

"Your brain?" Remus guessed, not even looking away from his book. James smirked.

"NOOOOO!" Sirius yelled, glaring at him. "Do you remember that date I went on with that one girl?"
"Oh, that one girl!" James said, thrilled. "The one with the-"
"Yes!" Sirius interrupted excitedly, nodding his head eagerly.

"Honestly, I don't know how you two do it," Remus mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Well, you see," James began, playing with the button on his shirt. "When two people love each other, they start to develop feelings, feelings that make them-"

"NOT what I meant, James! I mean, how do you know what the other is talking about?" Remus elaborated. He shut his book and put it down next to him. "I thought only girls did that."

"Me and James DID have a sex change," Sirius said thoughtfully, as if he remembered it like it were yesterday.

"Yep! Get one sex change, get another 75% off!" James added.

"I'm leaving," Remus informed with his eyes closed. He got up and began walking to the door.

"Oh, come on Moony!" James laughed. "We were only kidding!"
"We were?" Sirius asked seriously. James put his finger to his lip, motioning him to be quiet.

"You two are morons," Remus sighed and sat down in his previous spot. "Anyways, Sirius, what was this big news you had that made you retarded?"
"As I was saying before, that date I went on with...Susie or something," Sirius began.

"Her name was Bianca," Remus corrected.

"Does it matter?" James asked. Remus rolled his eyes and continued listening.

"Well, remember how I found that caterpillar, Sirius Jr., and she KILLED it?" Sirius continued. James nodded eagerly, but Remus nodded his head painfully.

"And remember when I TRIED to give it CPR and she brushed it into the forest?" Sirius asked, excitement building up. Once he saw them nod, he continued. "WELL….dramatic pause…I FOUND HIM!" James jumped up in joy as Moony rubbed his head.

"It was dead, Sirius, and lost in a forest. There is no way that you could've found it and found it alive, at that," Remus said, crushing all of Sirius's dreams.

"Look at it! It's long, and it's red!" Sirius cried out as he held it to Moony. Remus didn't pick it up, but merely examined it.

"That's not the same one," he concluded. Sirius glared at him. When he asked, 'How would you know?' Moony replied with: "Because that one is poisonous. If your first one was poisonous, you would have red boils all over your face, like you do now. Sirius, were you CUDDLING the caterpillar?"

"...maybe..."

"Come on, Pads, let me take you to the hospital wing." James offered, smirking all the while.

"Just let me put Sirius Jr. down on the table," Sirius sighed, and set the caterpillar gently on the end table of James's bed. "Now Moony, don't allow ANYONE to touch my little angel." Remus answered by rolling his eyes.

"I don't think anyone is as stupid as you are."

Sirius walked with his friend down the stairs. When they reached the common room, James was dismayed to see Lily reading a book in the arm chair by the fireplace. He glared at her as he walked to the portrait hole and tripped over a pillow.

"Who put that pillow there?!" James demanded, jumping up in the air and pointing his finger at everyone in the room.

"You did, Potter," Lily said, still looking at her book. "And stop staring at me. It's creepy." James blushed and ran away as fast as he could

"MAN she's good!" Sirius commented, catching up to him.

"I know," James said with a sigh. "That's why I love her so much."

The two continued their way down to the hospital wing, but were soon stopped on the third floor. There was a group of first years that Sirius just HAD to scare the shit out of.

"LOOK OUT!" He yelled at them, and clambered down the stairs, holding his face in his hands. "I've got the deadly and lethal Chickenitus! COUGH, HACK, WHEEZE!"

The group stared at him, horrified. Sirius walked right up to them and removed his hands.

"It's very contagious! Please, HELP ME!" as he said this, he proceeded to touch every single one of them on the face. All of the midgets ran for their lives, leaving Sirius and James to laugh hysterical at the underclassmen's pain.

******

When the two returned with Sirius's face back to its beautiful self, they settled in on the couches. Lily was still reading her book.

"I'm LONELY!" James began to sing. "I'm oh so LONELY! I have NOBODY to call my own!"

Lily launched her book straight at his head, causing a slight gash in his forehead. James fell off the side of the couch, landing on his stomach. He didn't move.

"What book was that?" Sirius asked, after laughing at his friend.

"It's not A Very Hungry Caterpillar, Sirius," Lily said, reaching down and picking her book back up. James still hadn't moved. "There are no pictures in this one."

"Hmmm..." he said to himself. "Caterpillar...am I forgetting something? Oh, I know! I was supposed to buy a new box of condoms today!"
"How does a caterpillar remind you of THAT?!" Lily asked, disgusted. James was still motionless on the floor.

"Hmmm...maybe it wasn't that..." Sirius said thoughtfully.

"I want a taco," James said suddenly, getting up off of the floor as if nothing had happened. The light bulb lit up inside of Sirius's head.

"JR!" he bellowed, and he raced up the stairs back up to check on the caterpillar.

"SooOOoooOOoooOOoo..." James began, strolling to where Lily had continued reading her book. "We're ALONE."

"Look again, Potter," Lily said. "There are actually numerous students in the common room."
"Oh, sorry," James apologized, wrapping his arms around her. "Your beauty blocked out everyone else."

Lily once again torpedoed the book above her head and James dodged it.

"Ah ah ah!" James tsked. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice-"

Lily grabbed another book and smacked him with it. Sirius and Peter walked down the stairs into the common room. Sirius had watery eyes and he was holding some black and red blob in his hand. Peter was walking silently behind him.

"What happened?" James asked as he rubbed his head.

"Well, I went up to the common room to check on Sirius Jr," Sirius began. "I had to cross over three bridges, two volcanoes, and swim through five maelstroms. I could hear my little baby calling out to me in the distance! 'Sirius! Sirius! Save me!' It was the only thing that kept me going! When I reached my baby in the tower, it was too late! HE had already slain Junior!" He burst out into tears, crying on Lily's shoulders.

"Um, Sirius? You only walked in on me squishing your caterpillar," Peter said nervously. "I thought it was a spider."
"I like my version better," Sirius snapped, glaring at Peter.

"You guys ruined my moment with Lily!" James complained. "I was putting, THE MOVES on her."

"Your moves got you hit in the head by my book," Lily said, bored. "I am going to bed. I've seen enough stupidity for today. Good night, boys."

"This close, you guys!" James yelled, holding his fingers an inch apart. "This close, to getting some!"

"Good night, James." They all said, and went up to their dormitories.