Milestones: Commitment

After the loss of their unborn child, Brian and Michelle's apartment became eerily quiet. No more yelling, no more fighting, no laughing, or even crying. Michelle had cried herself to sleep for nights afterward until finally, it seemed, she had no more tears to cry. Brian was just as bad, though he kept his feelings in, not shedding more than a tear or two, and instead let it begin to eat away at him the longer he tried to stay strong and not break down.

Brian busied himself with his job and working on the band's new record to keep distracted for long enough that he wouldn't have to think of what had happened. His band mates immediately sensed that something in him had changed and while they wanted to ask to find out what it was that had happened, all four of them kept quiet. Brian didn't have the heart to tell them anyway. Not yet.

Michelle, on the other hand, stopped going to her job at the coffee shop and stopped attending classes. She didn't answer any calls from anyone, not even her family, and she kept mostly to herself. She even began pulling away from Brian. She simply stopped caring about everything going on around her while she tried to run over the possible reasonswhy her child was taken away from her.

Michelle had finally been excited to have this baby. Now, a part of her wished she had never changed her mind about the pregnancy. Maybe if she hadn't wanted it when she miscarried, she wouldn't hurt so bad over it now. Or maybe it would have been better to have not even conceived at all. Because then she and Brian wouldn't have to tell everyone what had happened.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Entering the apartment, Brian felt the silence settle over him, only causing him to remember why it seemed so gloomy. He had done so well that day with hiding his feelings from everyone else, but as soon as he was home, that façade was broken.

When he made his way up to the hallway he could see Michelle sitting at the kitchen table, looking bedraggled in her sweats as she held a cigarette between two fingers. She didn't even look up when she heard the stairs creak. Brian stood in the doorway, quietly, watching the trail of smoke curling up into the air before Michelle took a drag, inhaling deeply.

Slowly, he moved over to stand next to where she was seated, leaning down to kiss her cheek gently. "I love you," he whispered.

"Love you," Michelle answered, her voice almost silent. She never said much more than a few words at a time, and it was usually just telling Brian she loved him. Nothing more, nothing less.

Kissing her cheek once more, Brian then stood and turned to the living room, where he took a seat on the couch and put his face in his hands. Taking a deep breath, he was startled when the shrill ringing of the phone invaded the house's silence. Grabbing the handheld off the coffee table in front of him, Brian answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Matt."

"Oh. What's up?" Brian asked, leaning back into the couch.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you, away from the guys," Matt said, and there was a pause. "Is everything alright over there? I mean...you just seem pretty off lately."

Sighing deeply Brian closed his eyes and took a moment to think. They were all going to find out eventually. He might as well start now.

"No...nothing is okay over here..."

"Did something happen?"

"...Michelle, uh...she miscarried," Brian answered, and the phone was silent on the other end for a long time.

"Shit..." was all Matt could say. He didn't even know how to respond to that. Seeing the wide-eyed looked on her boyfriend's face, Val questioned him.

"What's wrong?"

Holding the phone farther away from his mouth, Matt turned to her. "Brian and your sister lost the baby..." he said quietly, and in a moment's time Val was on her feet, sliding on a pair of shoes and grabbing her keys.

"Val's coming over there, I guess..." Matt said to Brian. "Shit, man. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah," Brian answered, standing and going back into the kitchen where Michelle was getting a glass of water. "I gotta go. I've got some calls to make," he said into the phone, and in a few moments, he hung up. "Your sister is on her way here."

Hearing this, Michelle nodded and followed behind him into the living room. By the time Val had arrived, they had settled on some crime show on TV, though Michelle didn't way much attention anyway.

Knowing the door was unlocked, Val allowed herself into the apartment, climbing the stairs as fast as she could. The sight of her sister when she reached the living room made her stop in her tracks. Sure, Val had seen her sister during her low points before. But neverthis low.

"Sweetie, I am so sorry," she said, her voice wobbling as she felt tears prick her eyes. Brian got up from his seat next to his girlfriend so Val could sit, and he retreated into the kitchen to give the sisters some time.

Curling her legs up under her body, Michelle looked at her sister, tears threatening to spill down Val's cheeks.

"Are you okay?" Val asked, lightly placing her hand on Michelle's cheek. "Wait, stupid question...of course you're not okay."

"I don't know why it happened," Michelle whispered, her throat still raw from the past two days. "Everything was fine...and then..." She sighed, shaking her head and wiping away the tears she could feel at the corners of her eyes.

"Maybe it just...wasn't the right time, you know?" Valary asked, and Michelle nodded, wrapping her arms around her legs as she pulled her knees up, resting her chin atop them.

"Maybe..." she whispered, feeling calmed by the way her sister was running her fingers through her hair.

"Do you need anything?"

"No..."

"Okay," Val whispered, and she could hear Brian talking on the phone. He was telling the news to his parents. "How about...you get in the shower, and I'll go to mom and dad's and tell them, okay?" she asked. Michelle sighed, and then nodded briefly, getting up as Val did.

"I love you, Michi," she said, embracing her barely-older sister in a hug. "Everything will be alright...you'll see."

Pulling away, Val placed a kiss on her cheek before leaving, and Michelle headed into the kitchen. Tapping Brian on the shoulder she told him she was going to shower. He nodded, and she left, going to the next room.

Once Michelle was shut in the bathroom, she turned the shower on, the water going as hot as she could stand it. Slowly she began to undress, taking her pants off first. But as soon as she was completely nude she looked down, her smooth, flat stomach greeting her eyes. Gingerly, she reached a hand down and placed it over her body. There was life inside her three days ago. And now, she was empty.

Hot tears gathered quickly in Michelle's eyes, and she didn't bother to wipe them away. Looking up, she caught her reflection in the medicine cabinet. She looked terrible, and when Michelle really got a look at her reflection, she realized she hated herself. She hated herself for losing that baby. It was all her fault. She was a mother, and she was supposed to protect her baby and keep it safe. She'd failed.

In a fit of anger Michelle grit her teeth and stormed over to the mirror, raising a clenched fist. She slammed it as hard as she could into the reflective glass, instantly causing a spider web of cracks to appear. Hitting it again, shards broke loose and Michelle could feel pricks in her skin. She'd sliced the palm of her hand, but she didn't care. She deserved it for what had happened.

Turning away from the mirror, Michelle stepped into the shower, the cuts on her hand stinging as water slid into her wounds. She stood there a moment, her anger finally subsiding under the spray of water, and broke down. She cried, harder than she knew possible, and leaned against the back wall of the shower. Holding her hands up to her face she slid down the wall until she was slumped down on the floor, her knees bent and legs pulled in tightly. And she just let it all out.

Sighing, Brian exhaled the smoke in his lungs and threw the finished cigarette to the ground. He still had a habit of always coming outside to smoke, because that's what he had done for nearly five months. He had stepped out when Michelle had gone into the bathroom, and already he'd finished his fourth smoke. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he turned and went back inside. Once he reached the top of the stairs, he realized the shower was still running. He had taken his time outside while he was smoking and was out there for a good thirty minutes. Michelle should have come out by now. Standing at the door, Brian knocked three times, waiting to hear her answer. But she never responded.

"Michelle?" he called out to the closed door, but still he heard nothing. Turning the handle, he felt that the door was unlocked, and he slowly stepped inside. "Babe?" he called out again, and this time he heard a sniffle from inside the shower.

Pulling one end of the curtain back, Brian saw Michelle curled up on the floor against the wall and could see traces of blood coming from her hand, trailing down her leg where her arms were wrapped around. She was shivering, tears still spilling from her eyes.

"Jesus Christ," he said, quickly reaching over to the other end of the shower and shutting off the water. It had already started to get cold. Grabbing the towel that was hanging up, Brian got into the shower, getting on his knees in front of Michelle and not even caring that he was fully clothed and getting wet.

"Baby...," he whispered, rubbing the towel along Michelle's arms to start to get her warm. "Come here." Standing up, Brian pulled her with him, carrying her out of the shower and wrapping the towel around her before setting her down on the toilet. Her teeth were still clacking, and she hissed when he went to grab her hand. Turning it over, Brian saw the cuts that were in her skin and looked in her eyes in confusion.

"What happened?" he asked, and when Michelle looked above the sink Brian saw the broken mirror and the shards that were in the sink and on the floor. Sighing, he wiped the wounds clean with the hand towel hanging nearby. The bleeding had already almost stopped. What Brian was really worried about was how cold she was.

Without another word, Brian quickly dried Michelle off, picking her up, one arm cradling her back and the other under her knees. He carried her all the way up the stairs and into their room. It was tricky, but Brian was able to get her under the covers and settled. Going over to his side, he pulled his shirt and pants off and climbed in next to her. Pulling her body close into his and running his hands over her back, using his body heat to warm her up as best as he could.

Thinking back on what Val had said before she left, Michelle sniffled, looking up at Brian. "It's not going to be okay...," she said, tears trailing silently down her cheeks. Finally letting himself break, Brian felt his eyes grow hot with tears, his vision blurring.

"Shh...," he cooed to her, kissing her forehead, and then he rested his head atop hers, tears flowing down his cheeks and into Michelle's hair.

It wasn't going to be okay. Not yet.