Milestones: Commitment

A week had passed, each day just as quiet and depressing as the last. Michelle was still withdrawn from the world and everything in it, and, as much as Brian tried to pull her back to him, she seemed to just drift farther away. He didn't know what to do anymore -- after dealing with his own pain in any way he could, Brian tried to think of anything that would make Michelle see that everything would be okay, and that it wasn't the end of the world.

It made him very sad to see the woman he loved in such a state. They hadn't been intimate with each other since the day of the miscarriage almost two weeks ago, even in the smallest of ways. There were only small pecks on the cheek here and there, but nothing more than that. And, as much as Brian loved Michelle with all his heart, he couldn't help but wonder if this was going to break the relationship for good. Michelle had asked him if their having a baby together was only going to put a strain on their relationship, and he had said no. And he was still certain that if they'd had the baby, things would have been fine. But losing the baby was an entirely different story.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The quiet of the house was disturbed as the phone rang shortly before noon. Without even a grumble or groan of annoyance, Michelle reached out to the phone situated on the bedside table.

"Hello?" she asked quietly, rolling over onto her back an closing her eyes again. She could tell without even looking that Brian's side of the bed was empty -- he always went in to work either with the construction company or the band.

"Michelle? It's Brianna," she heard across the line, prompting her eyes to open as she stared vacantly at the ceiling.

"Oh, what's up?" Michelle asked, already knowing the reason for the call. Usually when someone falls flat off the face of the earth, everyone and their mother called to find out what was going on.

"I haven't seen or heard from you in awhile. I was jut wondering how you were -- it feels like I haven't even seen you on campus like I used to," Brianna said, her voice sounding comforting like it always had back when Michelle live with her in the dorms. "Is everything okay?"

Sighing deeply to herself, Michelle paused for a moment, turning on to her other side to face Brian's side of the bed. She took a moment to look out the window where the bright midday sun was leaking into the room.

"You remember how I told you...that I was pregnant?" Michelle breathed into the phone.

"...Yeah."

"I lost it."

Silence.

"Oh, Michelle...I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Brianna asked, and Michelle could hear the sincerity in her voice. Brianna had always been one of those people that wanted to help and make sure everything was okay.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to do anything. This is just something I have to get over on my own," Michelle said quietly into the receiver, wondering when exactly that was going to happen.

"Well...if you're sure. Are you taking the rest of the semester off?"

"I don't know yet. I could be over it in a week, or in a year.... I guess I'll have to decide soon, though, before I fail my classes," she answered, still looking out the window as she felt the bed dip behind her and kisses being placed on her neck. Brian was home.

"Alright. Well I hope you feel better soon, okay? And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm right here."

"Thank you, Bree," Michelle said before they shared their goodbyes and hung up. Turning over, Michelle looked up at Brian who was standing at the edge of the bed his hands planted in the mattress as he leaned over her.

"Hey, baby."

"Hi. You're home early," Michelle commented, and Brian smiled.

"Well, I decided I would come home and get you out of this damned house for once. So, go get in your bathing suit. We're going to the beach."

Pulling into a parking spot along the beach Brian shut off the engine, taking Michelle's hand in his as he looked over at her.

"You know, baby, I really feel that the more time you spend outside of the house actually doing something, the less time you'll have to spend dwelling on...other things," he said, avoiding the topic of the baby, at least in straightforward terms.

Forcing a smile though she knew Brian was completely right, Michelle nodded. Together, the two got out of the car, stepping into the bright sunlight that warmed the skin. Hand in hand they took the steps down to the sand, but then something made Michelle stop for a moment, her hand tugging at Brian's as he continued to walk toward the water and everyone that was lying out enjoying the weather.

Taking a few tentative steps, Michelle still looked around, and all at once she was flooded with emotions. To her, it seemed that every mother in Huntington Beach had brought their children down to play at the beach. And seeing them all together like that, everywhere she turned, only reminded her that much more of what she'd lost, what she couldn't have now.

Tears prickling her eyes, Michelle dug her feet into the sand and stopped, Brian finally realizing and turning around. Seeing the glassy look in Michelle's eyes, he came back to her.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"I...I can't do this, Brian. I can't," she spluttered, looking away as she tried to hold back her tears.

"Babe...what?" Brian asked, placing his hands on the sides of her face and looking deep into Michelle's eyes with concern.

"Everywhere I look all I can see is women with their children and it only reminds me more and more of what happened. And...and...fuck. Brian, I was doing so well. I thought I was going to be okay with just a little more time, but I'm not. I won't be okay," she said, her words shaking before she finally broke down in Brian's arms. "It's not fair..."

Taking a deep breath, Brian pulled Michelle close to him, wrapping his arms around her as she put her face into the crook of his neck.

"Sshh...baby, it's okay. I know it's not fair what happened...but maybe that was just nature's way of telling us that we're not ready to be parents yet," Brian whispered, feeling Michelle's tears dripping onto the bare skin of his shoulder. "Michelle," he said, moving her back by her shoulders a few inches so she would look up at him, "I love you, and I'm always going to be here for you. We're going to make it through this together, I know we will. And...maybe we can try this again."

"I don't want to try it again, Brian. I don't want to go through the pain of this happening again. I can't do it," Michelle whimpered, more tears clouding her vision. She couldn't set herself up for happiness only to have her heart broken again.