Wish You Were Here

I felt good. I hadn’t felt like this in ages, not since I started going out with Clive. Checking myself in the hall mirror I realised I hadn’t got any lipstick on so hunted in my bag for my usual pink lip gloss but as I unscrewed the cap the front door opened and I could see Tre in the reflection taking a good look at my butt. He probably didn’t realise that I’d seen him. I hated him for being so judgemental, he always said I had a skinny arse but now it was fuller, not fat but I thought it was better than it had ever been. But he probably didn’t think that though, because he had the tight-assed Stephanie’s to grab onto.

“Going out?” said Tre closing the door behind him as I smacked my lips together.

“Yeah I have a date.” I said. See, I can have dates too. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, I’ve only been back a couple of days and I’ve got a date. You’re not the only one that has got what it takes I thought to myself.

“Cool,” said Tre. “Listen Jules, what are you doing tomorrow? Want to go out for a meal?” he said throwing his door keys onto the hall table. “Its time we had that chat.”

“Its Adie’s party tomorrow, surely you haven’t forgotten that, a chance to get pissed and jump in their pool fully clothed,” I said remembering all the times that he’d done that and it was always usually at one of Billie’s parties.

He smiled a small smile, “yeah, I had forgotten,” said Tre.

I checked my watch and realised that I’d have to get moving, I didn’t want to be late so just grabbed my bag.

“Have a good time,” said Tre as he headed off towards the kitchen.

“Don’t worry, I will,” I said but a little part of me felt like staying and talking to him.

We needed to clear the air and he needed to know.

**

The place was heaving and I could hardly get to talk to Vincent, I just felt like an idiot standing there holding my glass of wine. I felt so much older than everyone around me. Many of them were obviously students and young people and wherever I stood it was the wrong place, I kept getting bumped into and the long sleeved top I was wearing was totally the wrong thing I thought looking around at everyone in little strappy tops.

It was boiling in here and my feet shifted uncomfortably. Vincent had hardly spoken to me, just asked about where I had been living and how long I’d known Sara, simple talk. He was good looking though and I wondered what his friends thought of me. They were young and good looking with those chiselled sort of looks, the sort of guys that looked good but knew that you could never have because they wouldn’t look at you twice. Those sort.

“Would you like another drink Jules?” said Vincent. He had these dark, dark eyes and I’d learnt on our short walk from the salon to the bar that he was of Italian descent. Was he an Italian stallion in bed? What was I thinking?

“Yes please Vincent, another wine would be great,” I said draining my glass of wine and handing it to him.

I was dying to sit down but it looked like there were hardly any seats, just those tall ones at the bar and a few dotted around some pillars. Would I be able to climb onto them? I knew I wasn’t that old but I’d definitely show myself up trying to get up onto one of those with these heels on and having had two glasses of wine.

No, I’d just have to put up with it I thought as Vincent handed me the glass of wine. He was so good looking I noticed lots of looks and flashes of smiles from women who had spotted him. What the fuck was he doing with me?

We managed to chat a little more after his friends had gone, I felt light headed and happy, my feet were still hurting but I didn’t care as much as I watched Vincent’s lips as he spoke, telling me all about his work and that how Sara was a good boss but he still hoped to have his own salon one day.

The place was emptying and I wondered what next.

“Would you like to come back to mine for a coffee?” I said to him.

I noticed him hesitate, just a little before he answered. “OK,” he said then we walked outside into the cool night air, my feet throbbing knowing I’d have some blisters by the morning but I didn’t care. I was taking Vincent back.

I’d never had a one-night stand before. Was I about to have one now? Very possibly I thought as I glanced over at Vincent. My body tingled at the thought of it, a one night stand and with this much younger guy who must be attracted to me in some way otherwise he wouldn’t have asked me out. Would he?

What Tre could do, I could do better.

**

How embarrassing. As we entered the house, Stephanie was leading Tre up the stairs and they were giggling, and very touchy-feely, obviously the both of them going off for a night of passion.

I led Vincent off to the kitchen and began making him a coffee.

“Nice house,” said Vincent glancing around him. “Do you house share?” He said obviously aware of the two people heading off up the stairs.

“I’m just staying here,” I said grabbing some mugs out of the cupboard, “it belongs to a friend of mine but I’m looking for my own place.”

He came over towards me, “need a hand?” he said looking at me. He was so tall, he must be over six foot and standing next to him made me feel all womanly and delicate and I just wanted to kiss his pouting young lips. It had been ages since I’d kissed anyone, I could do with some physical contact so I was just going to go for it, its what he came back here for after all wasn’t it?

I touched his arm and put my hands up around his neck.

“What…what are you doing?” He said to me, shocked suddenly and making me feel like such an idiot.

“Jules,” he said walking back slightly and he too looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry; I came back for just a coffee, nothing else. Look, Sara said you could do with a date to boost you, a night out to make you feel good again.” He was running his hands through his hair, not knowing what to do. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

He looked at me, that young thing with his beautiful brown eyes, Italian looks and firm young body, he looked at me in what I took to be a pitying way. He’d only gone out with me because Sara asked him to. I felt like shit and worthless with it.

“I’m sorry. I…I’ve embarrassed you. I shouldn’t have come back, it was a mistake.”

“Its OK Vincent, you’d better go,” I said. Wait until I spoke to Sara, how humiliating. I’d never felt so low in my life. A mistake he’d said.

He did look sorry but not sorry enough to even sleep with me. Was I that repulsive, the older woman? Obviously I was.

“Sorry Jules,” he said as he left the kitchen, walked off down the hall and then I heard the front door click closed and just after that I could hear the faint noise of Tre’s bed squeaking and some grunts and groans and murmurs of “oh bunny,” coming from upstairs, just to make me feel that little bit worse.

**

It was 3am and I was still sitting at the kitchen table. The sounds from upstairs had stopped ages ago, I’d had a couple of coffees and half a glass of whiskey when I decided to go and get the pack of pictures out of the drawer once again.

They’d been looked through I thought, someone else had looked at them since I’d put them back earlier that morning because the one I’d left on top, the one of all of us at the Gilman was no longer at the top. This time it was one of Tre and myself at Billie and Adrienne’s wedding. Tre had got drunk that night; I’d never forget it…

…”So you think you’ll ever get married?” he said to me. Someone had just snapped a photograph of us, sitting next to one another. We sat close, his arm slung across my shoulder, his tuxedo wide open to his waist showing of his bare chest, the chest I’d seen hundreds of times before.

“Who knows, we’re still young,” I said, “but I tell you I do have a thing for this guy at the salon.”

“He must be gay.” Said Tre who thought that all male hairdressers were gay.

“He’s not.” I responded nudging him in his ribs.

“Must be. Why can’t he get a real man’s job,” he said.

I just shook my head, he’d never change.

“How’s Lisea, I heard you on the phone earlier making arrangements about Ramona?”

“She’s OK, her photography is as good as ever and you know, she speaks to me more now than she ever did when we were married. We’re better off as friends. You were right about all that.”

“What, that you shouldn’t have married her just because you had Ramona, that you were marrying for all the wrong reasons.”

“Yeah, you know you were right all along,” He said.

“Yeah but you had to see it for yourself, its not my style the ‘I told you so’ thing.”

“Yeah like it is mine, right?” he said looking at me. “Hey, they’re playing our song,” he said standing up and pulling me up.

Pink Floyds Wish You Were Here came blaring out of the stereo and a few of us joined and started singing, Tre’s armed slung over my shoulder and we did our usual bit as it got louder, each of us trying to outdo each other…

…and that was the photo in front of me, the one of the two of us at the wedding sitting close and I couldn’t help but smile at us both. Tre had bleached hair that I’d done the previous day and I’d told him it made a change from green.

“Hey…what you looking at?” said a voice from the doorway. It was Tre, standing there, all dishevelled.

“I couldn’t sleep, I found these earlier, lots of different shots of us going years back,” I said to him.

“Oh yeah, just some that I’ve gathered up, I might put them in an album or something when I’ve got the time,” said Tre hesitantly and going to grab a glass out of the cupboard.

“Lover boy gone?” he said.

“Um…yeah,” I replied. Lover boy. No chance.

“Look at us there,” said Tre coming over to me. Suddenly I felt awkward, he’d been having sex with Stephanie and he was leaning over me.

“Yeah, at Billie and Adrienne’s wedding, the first time I bleached your hair that was do you remember?”

“I remember,” he said leaning back on his seat, then I noticed his boxers slightly gaping open and I quickly averted my eyes, making a point not to let them travel downwards.

“You could tour with us you know,” he said suddenly then leaning forward, thank goodness.

“What and do your hair for almost two years?” I said.

“Why not, think about it. It would be fun and when you’ve finished you could find a house and job back here.”

I hesitated but he spoke again.

“Think about it.” He said.

“There you are bunny,” said Stephanie’s voice from the doorway with her little silky nightdress barely covering anything. “The bed is getting cold without you,” she said.

Fuck off I thought. Bunny. Stupid little bitch.

“Just coming,” said Tre getting up and stretching, “I got thirsty,” he said as he headed for the door and smacking Stephanie on her arse.

“See you tomorrow, yeah Jules,” he said.

“Yep, see you then,” I said glancing back at the photograph of the two of us; it was like we didn’t have a care in the world back then.

How come things had got so complicated?

**

I hadn’t seen Tre all day but then I’d slept for most of it. I wasn’t sure if he was taking Stephanie to Billie and Adie’s party or what was happening. Were we going together like we always used to? Who knew what was going on in the head of that guy at the moment?

I’d decided to just make my own way over there I thought. I’d put on a new pair of jeans and a little black top that I’d bought and for once in my life I’d spend more money than I ever had on make up. I usually only bought cheap stuff but I’d decided to splash out, I needed a boost. The eye pencil went on so smoothly; I smudged it around a little so it had a smoky effect then applied some lip-gloss.

I was ready, it was 8pm and knew I should go so went to the kitchen to grab the bottle of wine to take over there, checked I’d locked up the house then walked off alone to Billie and Adrienne’s party.

Adrienne always looked so good, whatever she wore, and even if her hair was unwashed she looked good. I remember the first time I put dreads in her hair, she loved them and then one day, while the kids were young she just asked me to cut them off and ended up with a shorter, bob style. After two weeks she told me she missed the dreads so grew her hair once more and I put her dreads back in. She’d had them ever since.

“Hi sweetheart,” said Adie carefully at the door. “Are you OK?” she said.

”Adie I’m fine, please don’t mention what I told you, no one else knows yet, I just haven’t had the right moment to tell anyone.”

”Its OK,” she said putting her hand on my arm. “Tre’s here, I don’t know where he’s been but he’s drunk already,” she said. “He’s in a strange mood.” She said as she closed the door behind us and headed off towards the kitchen. I looked through the window and everyone was out in the garden, I could hear everyone’s familiar laughter and Tre’s was the loudest. I glanced at Adrienne.

“I see what you mean. I’ve not seen him all day, he hasn’t been home.” I said shrugging. “Did he bring Stephanie?” I said hoping upon hope that he hadn’t.

”Nope, he hasn’t mentioned her,” said Adrienne. “What’s she like? Billie said she’s really young.”

”She is. What’s he playing at?” I said taking a glass of wine from Adrienne.

“What do you mean?” said Adrienne.

”He seems different Adie, I can’t get close to him since I came back, Mike said he’s been playing around a little,” I said.

“Well...he has, he can’t seem to keep it in his pants and I’m worried for what happens on tour, they have to be careful, I don’t want Tre ruining their reputations. Its ever since he and Claudia split and he got his own place, its like he has something to prove but what, god only knows?” she said. “Come on, lets join them, we were all wondering where you’d got to. Hey did you think about the meeting next week about the tour, you’re still welcome to come along you know?”

“I’m still thinking about it,” I said to Adrienne as I stepped out into their garden, beautiful garden it was, landscaped and had a huge pool. I recognised loads of faces, Jason White and a few other guys that played for them over the years, some of the old crew from when they’d toured before. Some of the wives were here too and I decided it would be a great party catching up with everyone as I was approached by Jason, kissing me on the cheek.

**

As usual it was just our little group left, Adrienne, Billie, Mike, Tre and myself. The usual few. I’d finished helping Adie do some clearing up in the kitchen when she handed me a tray of coffees to take out.

Tre was lying on a sun bed just looking at me as I came out and placed the tray on the garden table.

“Hi,” he said. “My names Tre Cool, remember?” he said sarcastically. He was going to start.

“How can I forget Tre?” I said to him. “Do you want a coffee or are you going to have another whiskey?” I said.

“Why didn’t you speak to me tonight?” He said as I handed a coffee to Mike after putting in a couple of sugars, knowing just how he liked it.

“Sorry Tre but I was busy catching up with everyone, I’d not seen everyone in ages,” I said passing a black coffee to Billie.

“That’s cos you fucked off to Scotland with Cliff,” said Tre slurring his words and taking a gulp of his whiskey.

“His names Clive.”

“Clive, Cliff, same thing,” he said. “And now you’re back,” said Tre.

Adrienne came out of the house and grabbed a coffee from the tray then we both sat down at the table.

“Are you sure you don’t want a coffee Tre?” said Mike.

“I’m fine with this thanks,” said Tre not even looking at Mike but just staring at me.

The atmosphere was eerie.

I sipped at my coffee then he spoke again.

“So, you gonna tell us why you split with Cliff?” He said venomously for some reason. “Was he playing around?” said Tre.

“No, he wasn’t,” I said feeling uncomfortable with the situation. No one else was saying a word.

“Were you playing around then?” Said Tre.

“Tre leave it,” said Mike looking very irritated with Tre.

“No I won’t leave it,” said Tre snapping back at him and taking a slug at his drink.

“Now isn’t the time, why don’t the two of you talk tomorrow?” Said Mike standing up, draining his coffee and placing the cup back onto the tray.

“She never has time to talk to me,” said Tre.

“Tomorrow we’ll talk,” I said. This was so embarrassing and had spoilt my evening. Why couldn’t he just leave it? I felt uncomfortable and Adrienne sensed this, she put her hand out onto mine. “Are you OK?” she said.

“Why shouldn’t she be OK?” said Tre interrupting. “Has she told you Adie? I bet she has, she was round here the other night.”

“May be.”

“I knew it.” Said Tre bitterly. What was wrong with the guy? Didn’t he see he was making a fool out of himself?

“Oh Jules,” said Tre. “What’s to become of you? You’re thirty years old, times-a-passing. You’re going to end up an old spinster one of these days, you’ll look back and see I was right all along, why waste your time on these guys you fall for so quickly? I tell you often enough that they’re wrong for you but there you go…jump right in with them, fall in love, try and get married and then it doesn’t work out.” He said shaking his head at me.

“Tre I think you’ve said fucking enough for one evening,” said Billie.

”I haven’t begun,” said Tre.

“Tre what’s with you dude?” said Mike, “this isn’t the time or the place, you and Jules need to be alone to discuss this,” he said.

“Yeah but look at her, she comes back from Scotland as though nothing has happened, tries to fit in with us and our kids again, doesn’t contact the kids while she’s away then comes back as if nothing has happened.”

“You are my friends, I thought you’d understand,” I said pleadingly. I was sick of the same old story from him about my going to Scotland and forgetting them all, I’d never forget them.

“We do understand,” said Mike.

“Of course we do,” said Billie. “Its just this ass here that’s got a problem with it,” he said.

Adrienne didn’t speak, just kept her hand on mine.

“Well she…she’s gonna end up a spinster, a spinster with no ones kids but ours and they won’t want to know her because they’ll remember the time that she went away and left them and…”

“Tre, shut the fuck up, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Billie standing up and going over to Tre.

“I do, I know that she’s getting older and before she knows it she’ll be too old to have kids. She’ll be an old shrivelled up maid.”

“You bastard,” said Billie grabbing Tre by the shirt, “why can’t you just leave Jules alone,” he said face to face with Tre but Tre was just smiling drunkenly.

“She needs to be told,” said Tre. “I’m…I’m only trying to help her,” he said.

“You’re not helping her, you’re making all this situation so much harder for her. No wonder she hasn’t told you if this is what you’re like you motherfucker,” said Billie and with that punched him on the jaw.

“Billie!” said Adrienne getting up and going over to Tre who was sprawled on the grass.

I started crying, I didn’t like this, they’d never argued like this before and this was all because of me. I wished I hadn’t come back. I’d spoilt everything.

Mike came over and put his arms around me.

“Tre’s drunk, don’t take any notice of him,” said Mike. I leant in towards him as he held me and we watched Adrienne and Billie try to get Tre up from the ground.

“What do you know then Billie?” said Tre looking viciously at his best friend.

She’d told him. I knew as soon as Billie opened his mouth earlier that Adrienne had told him the reason Clive and I weren’t together. They had no secrets.

Billie was angry and I just knew he was going to tell him. He was going to say it, then they’d all know.

“She can’t have children. Happy now?” said Billie and he stormed into the house.

I gasped. It was out. They all now knew.

Suddenly I felt Mike’s hand press hard against my shoulder bringing me back to reality.

I had to get out so I grabbed my bag and ran because I hadn’t wanted him to find out like that and I knew then that it was my own fault, I should have told him sooner, made the effort and talked to him.

I hope he wouldn’t hate me for it.