The Good Life

I spent the rest of the day laying in our bed watching Lifetime and eating dill pickles and Cheese-Its. I cried the entire time, a steady stream of tears sliding down my cheeks. I got a lot of thinking done and it wasn’t until I saw a commercial for a new movie, When Husbands Cheat, that the horrific thought forced itself into my head.

He couldn’t be. He loved me. We weren’t having problems. Why would he? He wouldn’t. Would he?

The thought sent my body into a new fit of hysterics. There’s no way he could do this to me. But it all added up, he left, he tried to sneak in, he lied, he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing. I sat up and clenched the sheets in between my hands, my body was shaking, my breath coming in short gasps of air. It felt like someone was punching me in the chest with each beat of my heart and the pain was echoing through my chest in agonizing shutters.

The feeling was all too familiar and I realized that I hadn’t taken my medicine and this situation had quadrupled the amount of stress in my life. I pulled myself to the edge of the bed and grabbed the pill bottle and the half full glass of water and forced the pill down through the lump that had formed in my throat.

I sat back down, my legs straight in front of me and the blankets thrown off of my sweating body. My whole body was trembling and on top of it all I was crying. I was scared, scared of myself, scared of what was going to happen, scared of what this was putting my body through, would this affect the baby? My breathing stayed short and shallow, I was unable to collect a deep breath, my body was under complete torture, aching all over.

I don’t know how long I sat there but at some point I heard the door open and pounding footsteps coming towards me. I didn’t know who it was, and my eyes couldn’t focus through my tears or the dizziness I was experiencing.

His voice sounded muffled and I could feel his hands on my face, “Kayden! Oh my God. Are you okay?” He pulled me to him and his strong arms wrapped around my waist, and he was pushing the hair off of my sweating forehead. “Kayden, breath baby, please breath. Come on take a deep breath.” His voice instantly soothed me and I clung to the collar of his shirt, keeping a strong hold on him. I was beyond angry at him but I knew at this point I needed him. I was scared of what I was putting myself through and I needed him to help me. “Joe—” I choked out. “I’m here—shh…just breath, come on breath with me, try—please try.” I squeezed my eyes shut and the sobs started to slowly die down.

After twenty minutes, I had calmed myself, Joe held my face between his hands, “Are you okay?” He asked softly. I wouldn’t look in his eyes, I couldn’t, it would start all over again. I pulled his hands from my face and slid away from him laying on the bed, pulling my knees to my chest and wiping my face off.

He walked around the bed and kneeled down in front of me. I closed my eyes and held my breath when he softly ran his hand down my arm. “Kayden, I’m ready to explain myself.” My eyes shot open and finally met with his. His eyes were bloodshot, he had undoubtedly been upset when he found me, and he looked a mess. “I need you to come with me though.” I averted my eyes from his again, I couldn’t look at him, it was killing me inside.

I sat up and looked down at him, “Where?” He took my hands and pulled me up, “Downstairs.” He said trying to catch my eyes. I turned to go for the door but he didn’t let go. “Kayden.” He spoke softly. I turned and looked in his direction, still not meeting his eyes. “Please.” He spoke so softly I almost didn’t hear him. “Please, look at me.” He begged, his voice speaking for his pain. I gave in and my eyes met with his once again. “I want you to know, before we do this, that what I did has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did. Don’t you dare blame this on yourself. Okay?” I gulped and nodded, wondering what this was all about. “And Kayden? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I put you through all this. It kills me to see the pain I caused you, and I’m sorry.”

I just nodded again. He sounded sorry, but what was he apologizing for? We made our way downstairs and I stood there waiting for Joe to show me some direction. He grabbed my hand and led me to the dining room. He slid open the door and there sitting at our dining room table was Camilla. Yes, that Camilla, the girl who almost slept with Joe before I came along, who tried to steal Joe from me, who he supposedly despised, and she was sitting in our house.

I dropped Joe’s hand and looked between the two, making my assumptions. I felt the anger rising inside of me again and I looked over at Joe, hurt blaring in my eyes. He was cheating on me. My bottom lip quivered and a few tears slid down my cheeks. I continued looking between the two, back and forth, waiting for someone to speak. I narrowed my eyes at Joe when neither one of the attempted to speak, “So you two…” I trailed off. His eyes went wide and he shook his head, “No! Kayden, God no! Do you honestly think I would cheat on you? Do you really honestly believe that?”

I turned to him, and opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t think if anything to say, if he wasn’t cheating on me then what was this all about? I sat at the table across from Camilla who hadn’t said anything. Now that I looked at her, I noticed she looked terrible. I could imagine I didn’t look any better with all the crying I had been doing. Her hair was a mess pulled into a bun, she wore sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt, she wore no make up and her eyes were puffy and red when she finally looked up at me.

Joe stayed standing behind my chair, his arms crossed over his chest and looking at Camilla with sad eyes. Confusion washed over me and I heard Camilla’s voice, soft and raspy. “Kayden.” I turned my full attention to her, “I’m sorry, this is all my fault.” Tears were steadily starting to fall from her eyes. “Um, in September, my older brother died in a plane crash. My whole family was devastated, especially me, he was my best friend. Since then, it’s tore my parents apart, I don’t know where my dad is and my mom is never home, I’m pretty sure she’s slept with more than half of the male population of Los Angeles. Sam’s not the same anymore and I’ve just felt so alone.” She looked up at Joe and I saw him nod at her to continue. “The other night, I just really needed someone to talk to…I felt like my whole world was crashing in, I have no one. I got to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore and I was scaring myself. I called Joe, the one person I knew that would always be there if I needed him, and he was.” She was choking out words at this point, “I asked him not to tell anyone, especially you, I didn’t want anyone to know how bad things actually were. I’m so sorry. I never meant it to escalate into this. I’m sorry.” She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

I felt slow tears trailing down my face. Why was I such a bitch about this? She has lost everything, her whole family and I was so busy thinking of myself and what I wanted. I did the only thing I could think to do. I walked around the table and hugged her. I let her cry into my shoulder and I cried with her. Just thinking of everything she was going through was eating me up inside. She was not the slutty, bitchy Camilla I remembered. This was the vulnerable, self-conscious, train-wreck Camilla. The side of her that needed to be listened to and comforted and Joe just happened to be the one who was there for her. After she calmed a bit I pulled back and looked at her, “You’re always welcome here. She nodded, “Thanks, but I decided to take Sam and move to Montana with my aunt, she has a ranch up there and I think that’s a good place for us to go and recover for a while without all the distractions and attention here.

I nodded and hugged her again, “I’m so sorry you had to go through this.” She shrugged and looked up at me with sad eyes, “Thank you for understanding, I feel terrible that it escalated to this.” I shook my head, “Forget it, that was all me.” She smiled and looked at Joe who was leaned against the door frame watching us, “I better go.” She said gathering her keys and phone, “I think you two need to talk.” I nodded and hugged her again, “Please don’t ever hesitate to call if you need something.” She smiled, “Thank you so much, Kayden for understanding, for everything.” I smiled and watched as Joe walked her to the front door.

I laid my hands on the table, leaning over, taking deep breaths trying to let everything sink in. I heard the front door close again and footsteps behind me that stopped a little ways away from me. I waited a few moments before I turned to him. His soft, tired eyes locked onto mine that were glistening with tears and I ran to him. My body collided with his and his arms instantly went around my waist while mine locked tightly around his neck. “I’m so sorry.” I cried, burying my face in his neck. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I let myself get so angry.” I pulled back and looked at him, “I’m sorry.” I whispered again.

He shook his head, “I should have just told you, she just wanted to keep it a secret and it wasn’t my secret to tell, and I didn’t want to upset you. That killed me to see you like that. And today, oh my God—today—in our room, I was so scared. I can’t believe I left you. I just want to hit myself. I’m sorry I let you get like that, I should have been here for you.”

I nuzzled into his neck again, keeping my tight hold on him and softly pressing my lips onto the side of his neck. “It’s okay.” I breathed, “I understand now.” He stroked my back and we stood there for a few minutes, melting into each other, I yawned onto his neck and I felt his chest rumble as he spoke, “Tired?” I nodded, “Yeah, I didn’t sleep much.” I said stifling another yawn. He swiftly picked me up and carried me up the stairs and into our room, laying me down on the bed. He turned off the light and kicked off his shoes and climbed in next to me pulling me to him.

I rolled over, facing him and wrapped my arms around his waist, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He kissed my forehead and draped and arm around my back, “It’s alright—I kind of deserved it…I’m sorry I kept that from you.” I pressed myself closer to him, loving the feeling of his body next to mine, “You had a good reason, I’m sorry you had to sleep on the floor.” He sighed, “I didn’t want to be far away from you.” I smiled into his neck and kissed his Adam’s apple. “I love you.” I whispered near his ear. He tilted his head down and his lips found mine in a long, sweet, slow kiss, “I love you, too.” He whispered against my lips.