I Never Wanted This Lifestyle for Her

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Anger pulsated through my veins and tears fearfully stung my eyes.
I blinked rapidly, and pushed my way through people with Quinn’s hand still attached to mine.
He followed wordlessly behind me gripping onto my hand as to slow me down.
Or maybe not lose me.
I opened an empty Fall Out Boy dressing room and locked the door behind Quinn and I.
Near silence filled the air as I could only hear the dull sound of Fall Out Boy playing and the crowd roaring.
Biting my lip ring as hard as I could I leaned against the door.
With all my might I willed myself not to cry.
He was not worth it, not again.
But, I did cry, and I sank to the floor drowning in my own misery.
I didn’t just cry though, I bawled, my whole body shook with cries as I buried my face into my knees.
Quinn didn’t instantly come to my side, but I felt him quietly sit next to me as I tried to stop crying like a big baby.
This was bound to happen.
Nothing lasts forever.
His hand massaged my back as I wiped away the tears streaked across my face on my hoodie, and knees.
As I finally quieted to sniffles I sighed a really watery sigh.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t of brought you here…I mean, I’m really glad you’re here, but it must be awkward for you.” I apologized quietly as his hand kept rubbing my back in circles.
“It’s not awkward, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now.” He said as I kept dabbing under my eyes.
“I just really wish we never came. We should be back at my house laughing about something stupid, not here.” I laughed a bit as I sat up right.

His hand slid on the other side of my waist, so I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

“I feel as if this moment calls for me to have some big speech, but I don’t really know what to say…All I know is that you’re a beautiful girl, inside and out, and anyone you ever choose to fall in love with is so lucky. On the other hand, I think it’s time we have a movie night.” He smiled as my laugh came out watery and I cleared my throat.
“Thanks Quinn.” I said as there was a couple knocks on the other side of the door.
“Hey, we’re looking for JJ Iero-Way, if there’s anyone in here can you please open the door?” I assumed a security guard was asking as I wiped under my eyes one last time before standing up slowly as Quinn did the same.
“I’m right here.” I smiled a bit opening the door as I saw two security guards.
“Your parents are looking for you.” One of them said as Quinn and I followed them to my parents, in a different room.

I put on a fake smile as I saw them, and pretended as if nothing had happened.
Also, I didn’t feel like breaking down again if I told them about what happened just yet.

“Hey, the show is about to end pretty soon here so we were wondering if you wanted to go somewhere else or just go home. We can take Blake and his friend if you want to hang out with them still.” Gerard said with a smile back, not catching any difference.
“I think we should just go home, and uh, Blake is going with Pete I assume.” Was all I said of Blake as we started to make our way out of the back of the arena to the car.

Quinn gave me knowing eyes as we both got into the car and we started to drive home.
I just wanted to be alone, or preferably with Quinn and forgetting about everything.

X

Sunday came, and Quinn had to go home, which meant I was left to brood in my emotions for a while.
He gave me a tight hug and promised to text me once he was home.
At this, I smiled and just waved bye to him from the door before shutting and locking it behind him.
I silently made my way back to my room, passing by the living room where my parents were laying next to each other watching a movie.
Then suddenly thoughts of Blake flooded my mind as I closed my bedroom door behind me.
We weren’t the perfect couple, but we managed to make it for a while.
How was I not good enough for him?
I thought back long and hard, and even through our differences, I still felt feelings for him.
Even after I saw him kissing someone else, I still had a small flicker of feelings for him.
For what reasons, I wasn’t even sure, but when I came back to reality I noticed I was laying in my bed with tears streaming down my face, cuddling my pillow.
I gritted my teeth and dug my nails into my skin as I held onto my arms.
Why the hell did I still have any feeling at all for someone who doesn’t want me?
Because you actually loved him.
My breath hitched at the realization that quite possibly he was the first person I had ever actually felt strong feelings for that I classified as love.

“Fuck this.” I said to no one in particular as I threw the pillow across my room.

I got up and got out my guitar and my laptop.
Music was the cure to everything.

X

A whole school week had nearly passed, and it was Friday by the time I knew it.
There was no word from Blake, not that I expected it, and my parents still didn’t even guess something was up.

“JJ Iero-Way.” A voice murmured from behind me as I stood up from the water fountain.
“Are you ready for group therapy today?” Adam Gentry asked me as I wiped the side of my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Sure.” Was all I said as I made my way outside but noticed he was following me.
“Are you actually going to speak at it today?”
“Possibly.” I shrugged as I looked around for Quinn and didn’t notice him under the tree we sat under, but still made my way over there.
“What’s with the one word replies?” He questioned as I turned around to look at him.
“Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t want to talk to you.” I said harshly as he had a smirk on his face.
“I like feisty ones.”
“Fuck off.” Quinn said suddenly, coming up towards us.
“Or what are you going to do?” Adam taunted as he faced Quinn now.
“Your not worth my time, so absolutely nothing.” Quinn told him as he stood close to me.
“That’s what I thought. I’ll just see you later.” He looked at me before looking at Quinn and walking off.

I set my bag down and got my lunch out, not speaking a word till Quinn asked me what Adam meant.

“I go to group therapy, and he’s there.” I told him as I ate a banana.
“Oh.” Was all he said as we kind of ate our lunch quietly.

I wasn’t in the mood of pretending that I wanted to converse with anyone, even with Quinn.
And Quinn seemed too intimidated by that fact to push it.

“So how are you?” He finally asked as we were close to finishing.
“How do you think I am?” I snapped and instantly regretted my words.
“Quinn, I’m sorry. I just have…This pent up anger and I’m an emotional wreck and this whole week has just been kind of a roller coaster for me.” I apologized, because Quinn of all people didn’t deserve my shitty mood.
“It’s alright. Really, it is. You don’t have to sugar coat anything for me.” He smiled as we started to get up at the sound of the bell.
“Thanks, I really appreciate it Quinn. We should do something after my group therapy session or something.” I suggested as we made our way down the front steps to where our parents picked us up.
“Yeah, just text me.” He grinned as we waved bye to each other and got into our waiting cars.

---

At therapy, Jason spoke about his week and asked us all to speak about our week or whatever we felt comfortable sharing.
I sat there again, listening to these people nearly give every specific detail of their lives that they felt was important.
But, I actually listened and was in tune with what people felt.
Today, I really didn’t care what these people knew about me.
So when it came to my turn, and all eyes were on me, I told them a lot, if not everything.

“Well, over the weekend my friend Quinn stayed the night and we went to a Fall Out Boy concert, where we both got to perform on stage with them. After, I caught my boyfriend kissing another girl, and I’ve been beating myself up over that practically all week. It feels as if I wasn’t good enough, and if I’m not good enough for a simple person how am I good enough for anything? The reason why it angers me so is because even at a young age, it’s like my first love kind of thing, and like what most people say, the first cut is always the deepest and so the healing process is slow.” I rambled on as some people had wide eyes, and others seemed bored with my story.

Like it was an every day occurrence.
Which, when I thought about it, it was.
A lot of people get cheated on.
As well as a lot of people catch their boyfriend or girlfriend in the act of doing so.
I bit my lip thinking that I must sound stupid compared to these people who were actually normal and had heard my story before.

“Well, everyone goes through heartbreak. Either once, or multiple times in their life, so you’re not alone whatsoever. Most of us here have similar stories to you, so don’t hold back on talking to any of us. Thank you for sharing.” Jason smiled as I felt at least a bit better and we went on to the next person.

When it got to Adam, he looked at me before sharing.

“Well over the weekend, my dad got drunk again and hit me like he usually does, so instead of staying home and dealing with his shit, I left to my grandparents house and I’ve been there all week. My mom doesn‘t seem phased one bit that I‘m gone, but probably because all she lives for is to make him happy.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

Which to him, maybe it wasn’t.
I watched him for any sort of emotion behind his eyes, but he sat back against the chair with his arms crossed.
As Jason told him something, I watched Adam intently.
Why was I so against talking to him?
He glanced at me for a moment and I broke my gaze, hoping he didn’t notice me staring the whole time.

“Alright that ends our session for today, it was a great one guys, I hope you all have a good week and we’ll be back here same time next Friday.” Jason smiled as we all stood and made our way outside.

Again, I sat on the steps after hanging up the phone with Gerard and wrapped my arms around myself.
My thin hoodie not doing much to protect me from the wind that picked up while I was in therapy.

“Hey…” Adam trailed off as he shoved his hands in his pockets and sat beside me.
“Hi.” I said quietly as he kind of looked surprised that I responded.
“I’m sorry about your…Ex…But, you got to play on stage with Fall Out Boy? That’s insane. I was supposed to go to that show but…Yeah.” He said as I smirked at the remembrance of sharing a stage with them.
“Don’t be sorry about it, I’ll get over it, but yeah…It was an amazing feeling let me tell you. Sorry you didn’t get to go, maybe we can go to one of their shows together when they come back or something.” I said nicely.

I mean, since I took Quinn an all, why couldn’t I take Adam to a show?

“Really? That would be cool. Unless your just saying that…But that would be really awesome.” He smiled a bit as I noticed Gerard pulling up to the curb.
“I wouldn’t joke about that to you. We‘ll see…I’ll see you at school or something.” I smiled as I swiftly made my way down the steps and to the car.

As I got in the car with a smile, I realized that out of everyone I’ve told of my breakup, I didn’t even bother to tell my parents yet.
I bit my lip ring as I took out my phone to text Quinn.

To: Quinn Dunn

Hey, I’m done with therapy but there’s something I have to do. Are you still down with hanging out at all this weekend?

Gerard and I made small talk as we made our way home, and I quietly mentioned that I needed to talk to him and Frank as soon as possible.
At first he gave me a concerned look, but I assured him that it was okay, and that it wasn’t anything worrisome.
As soon as we walked in the door it seemed like, we were all sitting around the dinner table eating and after small talk about the day, I sighed loudly and pushed around my fettuccini.

“So, uh, I just thought that since I haven’t told you guys or anything, that you should know…” I started as Gerard and Frank looked at me, waiting.
“Blake and I broke up, I guess…Well it kind of just happened, without a word much, and I haven’t talked to him since so…” I trailed off as Gerard’s fork clanked with the plate.
“When?” He asked as I looked down at my hands.
“After I performed…He kissed that…Girl.” I said quietly as I refused to look up.

I didn’t think telling them would personally hurt me.
It felt as if I let them down, for whatever reason.

“That sack of shit…” Gerard said harshly as I glanced up at him.
“People make mistakes, dad, you of all people should know that.”
“Yeah, but they shouldn’t make them when it comes to you. Don’t you think you’ve been through enough? That maybe he should fucking have common sense before he does anything to hurt you. No, JJ, that’s bullshit that you have to go through this.” He raised his voice a bit.
“I’m fine with it! Yeah, maybe it is fucked up, but I’m nothing special dad. What makes me so different than everyone else, other than the obvious? Nothing. It happens, and it did happen to me, and I’m slowly getting over it and I hope eventually you’ll get over it too.” I finished as I stood up and excused myself before leaving to my room.

Why the hell was he the one overreacting?
It happened to me, not him.
Sighing, I read a new text message from Quinn.

From: Quinn Dunn

Definitely. I was thinking of something special, I suppose you could say. Maybe you can spend the night tonight? My mom said yes already :]

I smiled as I brought out a backpack to start packing, knowing I would be allowed to.

To: Quinn Dunn

Orly? I’m packing right now, so text me directions or I’ll just call you when I’m about to leave. (:

With that, I hurriedly packed and asked Frank if I could, noticing Gerard wasn’t downstairs.

“Of course, I’ll take you after I finish these.” He didn’t hesitate to say as he washed the bit of dishes left over from dinner.
“Thanks dad.” I said with a smile on my face as I was about to turn around and head back to my room before he stopped me.
“Hey, I just wanted to say…Don’t worry about Gerard, okay? He’s just worried about you, greatly. Just give him time to cool down. But, I’m sorry to hear Blake do something like that. We both thought he was a keeper.” He slightly frowned as I couldn’t help but laugh a bit.
“So did I.” Was all I said as we looked at each other a moment before I returned to my room to finish packing.

---

“Hi Marie.” I said happily as Quinn welcomed me into the house and I noticed her in the kitchen.
“Hey darling.” She replied as she wiped her hands with a towel and came over to give me a hug.
“How are you?” She asked as we pulled away.
“I’m really good, how are you?” I smiled as I actually felt happy to get out of the house and hopefully forget some things.
“I’m doing great, thank you.” She smiled as she left us to go back in the kitchen at that and Quinn and I went to his room.

As I walked into his room I saw a bunch of video games and movies spread out all over his bed.
I laughed as I put my bag somewhere on the floor and asked him what it was all about.

“Well, I did say we needed to do a movie night, but I thought maybe you’d want to play video games too or something.” He smiled as I laughed some more and looked through his DVDs and games and saw multiple things I wanted to watch and play.
“Oh, and we have a lot of ice cream…I know girls need a lot of that.” He laughed as I play hit him then gave him a hug.
“Thanks Quinn. You are officially my best friend from this day forward.” I grinned as he hugged me back.

That night, I didn’t think once about Blake or my past eating disorder or the fact that even if I tried to be one, I wasn’t a ‘normal’ teenager.
I forgot genuinely why I was in the position I was in and forgot the people who put me here.
I laughed and smiled with Quinn at movies, games, over bowls and bowls of ice cream.
Happiness was all I felt that night.

X

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Quinn asked me as I sighed out heavily and nodded.

We walked into class, already given the go to present one of our songs to the English class.
I bit my lip ring as I took a seat on one of the stools in front of the class and Quinn did the same next to me with a guitar in hand.

“For our project we made a CD of 10 of our favorite songs, and covered them to the best of our ability.” Quinn started as I continued to bite my lip ring.
“This is one of the songs on the CD, called All Around Me by Flyleaf.” I said a bit quietly as I nodded at Quinn and he began playing.

I sang the lyrics a bit quietly to fit the acoustic setting, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I’m still alive. I’m still alive, we’re still alive...” I sang before singing the chorus about the middle of the song and thought in the back of my head.

I was alive.
Despite every single thing that has happened to me from being born to this point in my life, I was still alive.
I sang the rest of the words I knew and felt so well with confidence.
Despite what life has thrown at me, even at a young age, I was alive, and I had made it.
To some, I was a survivor.
Survivor of life.
As Quinn hit the last note and the class clapped and cheered, I smiled so wide.
Quinn held my hand as we stood and we gave a bow to the class, and in this moment, I knew that whatever life had in store for me, I would survive just like I always have.

(The End)…

Believers Never Die Cover Album (Yeah I'm not so original with naming their album):
1) Swing Life Away.
2) Smother Me.
3) Mr. Brightside.
4) I Will Follow You Into The Dark.
5) A Walk Through Hell.
6) My Heart.
7) Umbrella.
8) All Around me.
9) Mad World.
10) Moshi Moshi.

OR click here to listen to the whole CD as one.