All Was Golden in the Sky

Brendon and I had barely had a chance to talk following that night when he played me This Is Gospel. I think he was starting to feel like he’d messed up somehow, but I did my best to not make him think it. Every morning I gave him a smile and his coffee in one of his favorite mugs, and tried to content myself with knowing that the next contact we’d have was when I was only half-awake and he was home from another long day of recording and writing with the guys.

Dallon and Breezy invited us over for Thanksgiving that following week, and I promised Breezy I’d bring over some green bean and sweet potato casseroles. Brendon tried making casual conversation on the drive over, but it felt strained, almost awkward. I was sad it felt like we were two strangers reconnecting after years apart, even though we woke up next to each other every morning.

“You know, I never got to ask about how New York went,” he said as we turned onto Dallon’s street. He glanced over at me, flashing his peace offering smile he only used when he knew he was in deep shit with me.

I looked up from balancing the sweet potato casserole on my lap, surprised to hear him talk to me. “Hm? Oh, yeah. It went pretty well.” I wasn’t feeling very talkative; truth be told I was trying to meditate so I could get rid of the dirty thoughts that had been hounding my mind all morning after I walked into the bathroom when Brendon was changing. I definitely didn’t want to seem like a horny creeper in front of Amelie and Knox. The bumps in the road were really not helping.

Brendon bit his lip and nodded, having mistaken my shortness for disinterest. “That’s good, honey. What’d you guys talk about?”

My mind was losing the battle in pushing away the thoughts. It was currently replaying the first night in our apartment, remembering Brendon’s skin against mine and his sigh in my ear and his fingers in my hair and other things other places….

I noticed him looking at me, expecting an answer, but I had missed what he had said during my daydream. “What?” I asked dumbly.

His face fell and he turned back to the road, pulling up to Dallon’s driveway. “Nothing,” he said.

He helped me carry my dishes to the front door, and I couldn’t help but notice how we were standing a few inches apart as we waited for Breezy to welcome us in. I cast him a quick glance, but then Breezy was pulling us in, and I had to go back to pretending everything was okay.

“Thanks so much for making the casseroles, Annie!” Breezy said, happily taking the dishes from Brendon and ushering me into the kitchen. I glanced back and watched Brendon and Dallon exchange a quick hug in greeting. My stomach tightened in an odd jealousy; how long had it been since Brendon had held me? I shivered when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to face a curious Breezy.

“You okay there, sport?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

Amelie rushed in before I could respond, wrapping her little arms around my legs. “Knox, quit it!” she yelled, and soon the giggling little boy rounded the corner, colliding with Breezy’s legs.

“Oh, absolutely not, you two. Not in the kitchen!” Breezy scolded. “Go sit at the table, we’re going to start eating now that Brendon and Annie are here.” Knox stuck his tongue out at his older sister and squealed when she lunged for him, both little pattering feet sprinting out to the dining room.

Breezy just shook her head at them and gave me a smile. “Help me carry all this food out?”

Breezy had outdone herself with all the good food. It was only the six of us, but she’d made a plethora of goodness. Amelie and Knox had their own little table on which to munch on their food, leaving us adults at the Knox dubbed “growned ups table.” Brendon sat next to me, his arm draped around the back of my chair, and if it weren’t for Breezy distracting me I would have been lost to my nasty thoughts again.

“What’s the latest with your clothing line, Annie?” she asked.

“Oh, well, right now we’re actually working with Nordstrom to carry it,” I said, clearing my throat awkwardly. I could feel Brendon’s eyes on me, but I knew if I looked at him I’d jump him. My will was very weak at the moment.

Dallon’s eyebrows raised and he took a sip from his favorite Dr. Pepper. “Dang, Nordstrom. That’s pretty big, Annie.”

I blushed, my cheeks almost as red as the wine I had brought to my lips. Brendon was silent, staring down at his plate. I could see Dallon and Breezy exchange a quick glance. I bit my lip and dug out my phone. “Um, yeah, they actually just emailed me some prototypes for the ads we’re gonna be putting out,” I said, sliding my phone over to them.

They looked at all the pictures, nodding with smiles. “Damn, Annie, you look pretty hot in these,” Breezy whistled. “This dress is sex-ayy. Those buttons are legit.”

“Can I see?” Brendon asked quietly, finally looking up from his plate. Breezy glanced at me and then handed him my phone, and we all sat with our breaths held as he scrolled through the prints Effie had emailed me. I watched his face as he looked at each picture, his eyes tracing the lines of all the curves of my dress and running along the different fonts Effie suggested for the name.

“Always by Annie,” he read, and his voice felt like a whisper. His arm was still thrown over my chair, and he turned to face me. For once, I couldn’t read him, and could only stare back at him, still holding my breath. He bit his lip and then the arm around my chair was around my shoulder and tugging me closer to him.

“The pictures look beautiful, honey,” he whispered. His voice sounded a little strained, like he wanted to say so much more, but I noticed his eyes flicker over towards the other couple sitting across from us. He cleared his throat and sat back. “Thanks for having us over, guys. I think we need to get going though.”

Dallon raised an eyebrow. “Um, we haven’t even had dessert yet, man.” But Brendon was already up, tugging on his jacket and holding out mine to help me put it on.

“It’s okay, dude, I’m stuffed. Save the pies for the kiddies. They’re gonna need something to eat with all the Cool Whip.” He shook my jacket a little, waiting for me to stand up and let him put it on. “C’mon, my lady.” I immediately obliged, almost falling over my chair in my rush to get over to him. I could see he wanted to smile, but he bit it back and slid my arms through the sleeves of my jacket.

I hadn’t told Breezy about the recent distance between Brendon and me, but she seemed to have picked up on it pretty quick. Judging by the speed in which she leapt off her chair, I could guess she sensed the urgency behind our leaving. “I’ll wash your dishes and bring them to you later this week, okay Annie?”

I barely had time to say my goodbyes before Brendon dragged me out to the car. He had quite the determined look on his face, one that encouraged me to not interrupt his train of thought with any conversation the whole ride home. In fact, neither of us said anything until after he had closed our front door, and he turned to me with fire in his eyes.

“What have I done wrong, Annie?” It certainly wasn’t what I had been expecting; in fact, I already had hurriedly squirmed out of my jacket, prepared to dock off more clothes the minute he said the word.

I stared at him, my fingers frozen on the hem of my shirt. “What do you mean? Brendon, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

He laughed, but it wasn’t the bubbly laugh that made my tummy smile. This one sounded bitter, broken. “You’re a terrible liar, baby girl,” he said. His fingers were running through his hair like they did when he was caught between feeling nervous and excited.

I frowned and tossed my jacket on the couch. “I’m not lying.” He gave me a skeptical look and I crossed my arms. I didn’t want to feel defensive, but I didn’t like being called a liar.

His eyes softened at my stubbornness, but still he didn’t reach for me. “Why didn’t you tell me about your clothing line before? I didn’t know that you had modeled for it.” He looked awkward standing in the hallway, not quite sure what to do with his arms. I probably looked just as odd standing in the living room, caught between arousal and concern.

I shrugged and wrapped my arms around myself. “You’ve been busy. I don’t know, I just didn’t want to distract you.”

“Distract me from what?” He was walking towards me now, and I closed my eyes when his fingers laced with mine.

“Look, you’ve been really busy with the album and with Spencer. I didn’t want to add to your stress.”

“How would telling me about you modeling your clothes make me stressed?”

I could feel my will breaking, and I snapped before I could help it. “Well, you haven’t exactly been around enough for me to even tell you about it, so…”

He looked shocked at my outburst, mouth open like a gaping fish. “What are you talking about? Haven’t been around? I haven’t gone anywhere!”

I could tell by the nauseous feeling in my gut that the evening was not going to go as I had so sincerely hoped. With a sigh, I pulled my hands away and turned towards the stairs. “Just drop it, Brendon.”

“No. What the hell are you talking about?” He followed me up to the bedroom, closing the door behind him out of habit. He stood with his hands on his hips, blocking me from escaping back out the door.

“I really don’t want to fight, Brendon.” I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to think about the many nights I had fallen asleep alone in the bed we shared, or the few kisses I’d been granted in the past month. I didn’t want to be reminded of how pitiful I felt for feeling so bad for myself when I knew he had more important things to worry about, like his friend’s health and his band’s music, and not just me.

“Well it’s kinda escalating there anyway,” he said, his voice eerily even. He was glaring at me now, and I felt my face grow hot. Where did he get off? He had absolutely no reason to be angry with me. I hadn’t been the one ignoring him.

“Cool it off, then,” I snapped back. I walked over to my dresser and started unhooking my necklace. Brendon walked up behind me, trying to catch my eye in the mirror. “Knock it off.”

“You knock it off.” What a winning retort. He huffed and spun me around to face him, and his fingers felt like heaven on my arms. “Anne, what’s your deal?”

“What’s my deal?” I hated sliding out of his grasp, but it had to be done. “Brendon, are you serious?” He just stared at me, obviously not picking up on what I was hoping he’d understand without me spelling it out. I groaned and walked to the closet, tugging off my shirt in the process.

“I’ve been trying not to say anything, Bren. I’ve seen how much the whole thing with Spencer has upset you, and I’ve tried so hard to be there for you with it. But you lock yourself down in your music room and stay down there for all hours of the day and I never even see you.”

I tossed my shirt in the hamper and ruffled my hair in frustration. “I’m so damn lonely, Brendon.” He had followed me in, leaning against the doorframe, and I turned to face him, well aware of the traitor tears in my eyes. “I miss you so much and you’re in the same house as me. Fuck, we sleep in the same bed and I’ve never felt so far away from you as I have in the past month.”

Brendon looked flabbergasted, and his big lips couldn’t decide what to do with themselves. First he frowned, then spluttered, then his mouth just fell slack in shock. I expected him to stay dazed, and so I turned away to strip off my jeans. What I didn’t expect was for him to slap his hand against the closet door, making me nearly jump out of my skin.

“What in the fuck is wrong with me?” he yelled, storming back into the room. I took his place in the door frame, awkwardly observing in nothing but my underwear as he paced the room. “First I can’t tell that my best friend is depressed, now I can’t even tell when my own fucking fiancée is miserable!”

“Oh, stop that!” I yelled back. “I am not miserable, Brendon!”

He pointed a finger at me and let out a strangled pfft. “Bullshit to that! You look so sad right now, Annie, and it kills me!” He started pacing again. “I promised you I’d make you happy every day, and here you’ve been miserable for the past month and I haven’t even realized it.”

I rolled my eyes and walked back into the room, for the moment glad that we had such plush carpet to keep my bare feet warm. “Brendon, stop it. See, this is exactly why I didn’t want to say anything. I knew you were just going to beat yourself up and there’s no need. I know that Spencer has needed you, and so of course your focus should be on him.”

“You are my future wife. My focus should be on you.”

“But it won’t be all the time! I’m not the only thing in your life, Bren, and I know that. I understand that. Why do you think I’ve been quiet this whole month? I don’t want to be that annoying girl that bothers her fiancée every time she doesn’t have his full attention.”

When he looked at me after that, it was like he finally realized I was standing there in only my underwear. I realized it, too, and I glanced down at myself with a blush. “Well, you have my full attention now,” he said, and his voice had a deep undertone that made my whole body get chills. He walked towards me, and I couldn’t help but mirror each of his steps with one of my own moving back, until I felt my back hit the wall.

“Do you even remember the last time you kissed me?” I asked as he placed his hands on the wall on either side of my head. He was standing close enough now where I was able to catch a whiff of his apple shampoo. His eyes moved to my chest as I heaved in a deep breath, then shot back up to my face, looking very guilty.

“I kiss you on your forehead every night when I come to bed,” he said quietly. He laughed at my glare and pressed his forehead against mine. “But I know that’s not what you meant.” His lips brushed against my eyelids, and my nose, and then the corner of my lips. “Please promise you’ll tell me when you’re not happy, baby,” he whispered, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

My fingers were tugging his shirt, and then his body was flush against mine; chest to chest, hips to hips, my breath his and his mine. “Don’t let yourself get that distracted again,” I scolded, but the anger was gone from my voice. “I don’t want you to ever feel that bad again, Bren.”

“Like what?” he asked, and his lips were in my hair now, caressing the shell of my ear. I shivered, but my need to alleviate his internal storm was more important than my sexual desires. With more willpower than I’ve ever managed before, I placed my shaking hands on his cheeks, gently pushing his face away so I could look at him better.

“Like it’s you against the world. Like it’s your fault for anything bad that ever happens to the one’s you love.” I brushed back some of his hair, letting my eyes flicker around to recommit every bit of him to my memory for longer than forever. “Like you don’t love everyone as much as they deserve. Because you do, you absolutely do, Brendon. You love so, so much, more than anyone I’ve ever known in my whole life, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.”

He was smiling now, and his deep brown eyes were like puddles from a fresh rain storm. I nuzzled my nose against his, my fingers still tingling from the rough feel of scruff on his cheek. “And I don’t ever, ever want you to feel that bad again,” I whispered. I closed my eyes, letting my emotions wash over me.

“Don’t you see, Brendon? I love you too much to add to your stress like that. If your focus needs to be on other things to make you feel better, I will always be there when you need someone to hold you at night. I will always be there for you, no matter what, no matter how long it takes.” This was too serious. “No matter how dependent you make me on my vibrator.”

That sent him into a giggle fit, one that sent him tumbling onto his back on the bed for quite a few minutes. I probably should have been offended, but it was so nice to hear him laugh again, a real and guttural laugh that made the entire bed vibrate from its force. When at last the humor subsided, he rolled onto his side and leaned his head on his hand to look at me.

“I’ve been such a dick.”

I giggled and jumped on the bed, poking him in his side. “What the fuck did I just say, asshole? No more of that!” My pokes quickly turned into a full on tickle war, and we squealed and rolled around for a good amount of time. Just to have his hands on me again, even if it was only to tickle me to near torture until I screamed, felt so good, so freeing. We decided to wave a flag of truce when our sides ached from laughing too hard, and collapsed into a heap on the bed, limbs tangled and giggles comingling like the strands of a cartoon symphony.

Every time Brendon traced my face with his fingers was heaven to me. And as we laid there, wrapped in each other’s arms after so long, I finally saw the tension behind his eyes dissipating. In its place was a placid contentment, and I felt it in my heart, too. He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, his own turned up in the smile that lit my body on fire.

“I’m about to be really cheesey,” I warned, leaning on my arm and looking down at him. My free hand roamed across his chest, reveling in the feel of cotton on the tips and the lift of his chest with each breath. “You ready for this?”

“Oh, God, I don’t know. Am I?” He was grinning like an asshole, but the good kind, if there is such a thing. His hand moved to cup my cheek and then trailed down to my back when I adjusted to lay my body over his.

“Bear with me,” I teased, and leaned down to press my lips against his cheek as soft as a butterfly’s kiss. I didn’t sing for Brendon often, at least not intimately. We did tons of drunken duets, and he always laughed seeing me singing along offstage during his concerts. But it took a lot for him to egg me on to sing outside of the shower, and even more to sing without looking like an out of place doll the whole time.

I nuzzled my face into his neck, and started softly. “When the world gets too heavy put it on my back. I’ll be your levy. You are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.” The minute my soft voice hit his ear, I felt his hands shoot to my hips, holding me tightly in place. He held his breath, as if he didn’t even want the sound of his oxygen to muffle my singing in his ear. “It was always you, falling for me. Now there’s always time, calling for me. I’m the light blinking at the end of the road; blink back to let me know.”

I yelped when I felt my body being spun and slammed onto the mattress. Brendon hovered over me, cradling me in his arms and blinking his eyes like every possible thing in the world had just flown into them and he desperately needed them out. He was trying to out-cheese my cheesey moment, but I let him, giggling as he continued to blink back before he dropped his mouth onto mine. He tasted like the pumpkin pie I’d noticed him steal a piece of when Breezy had gone to the bathroom and Dallon had been sitting with the kids.

“I love you so goddamn much, Anne Elizabeth Greene,” he murmured against my lips. I held him close to me, reveling in the feeling of him pressed so intimately against me and whining when he pulled away. He smirked at me and tugged off his shirt, flinging it in the opposite direction before leaning back down to press kisses along my collarbone.

“Don’t go away like that again, Brendon Boyd Urie,” I scolded, failing an attempt to bit back a gasp when he nibbled on my neck. “I can handle the distance in miles, baby, but not this. Not when you’re so close and I’ve felt like I’ve lost you.”

“You will never lose me, silly girl,” he said, rolling us back over so I laid over top of him again. He took my hand and held it to his chest, right over his thudding heart. His eyes bore into mine, and they crinkled into a pure smile. “You are my best friend in the entire world, Annie. I love you, and I always will.” His eyes twinkled with the same light they had on the beach in Nags Head. “You’re stuck with me, kid.”

There is no synonym for happiness strong enough to properly dictate how I felt in that moment. So instead I just pressed my lips against his, slowly, like waves lapping along the shore, until I felt his arms around my waist, and his sigh blended with mine. “Forever and ever,” I whispered.

“Much, much longer than that,” he whispered back, before rolling me back over, somehow unhooking my bra without my noticing.

It was far too early for bed, but we found other ways to occupy our time; namely testing out different ways to scream each other’s names, or seeing just how much momentum it took for our headboard to break our wall. Tests were inconclusive—we decided we needed to continue the study for the next three nights afterward. In the name of love. And science, apparently. Most likely physics. But please, God, not Biology just yet.