Buried Myself Alive

I was beyond relieved. He was coming over. He was coming to see me. I put the phone back and walked back over to the couch. Jepha was sitting there flipping through the cable channels. His eyes moved in my direction. “Take your happy pills today?”

I let out a small laugh. “Gerard’s coming over.” He nodded and turned his attention back to looking for a channel. Quinn wasn’t here again. He’s been going over to Dan’s for a while. I’m not sure if Bert is still staying there..

I wish I could understand what could make Quinn still love him. I mean you could tell right away he liked Bert, just the way he looked when he mentioned the name. Lost, regret, on top of that want, and that glossing shine that made his eyes look like they were being lit by the sun itself.

My being here had become normal to both of them. Neither Quinn nor Jeph seem bothered by me. I’ve been borrowing their clothes for now. That put me on a guilt trip. Quinn pulls me aside all the time, usually taking me to the roof. I’ve started to go up there by myself, it relaxes me. The view of the town, the sky-

The idea hit my head. I was going to take him there later, show him everything. I wanted to just talk to him. I sat, thinking of what I could tell him. I hadn’t talked to him in a while.. But even after that, what was there to say?

Those three words crawled into my head. I couldn’t. I shook my head, it wasn’t worth it. All the emotions, the attachment, the need that came with those words. I found myself doubting him again, wondering if he had just said it to use me.

How could I still doubt him? I was beginning to piss myself off. All he fucking did was try over, and over again to show me what he felt. Even after he said the words to my face, I still doubted him. I made myself sick.

“Uh- Frank? You okay, man. You look kind of zonked.” He turned to look at me, turning the volume of the set down. I didn’t know what he meant by zonked but I said I was fine anyway. He shrugged, putting the volume back to normal, and resumed watching whatever show he had finally stumbled across and settled on.

I stood up and walked back to the hall-like kitchen, opening a drawer. I fumbled through it, pushing away a bunch of junk until I found the boxes I had been looking for. I flipped the top open and pulled out a cigarette by it’s butt. I stuck it in between my lips and felt pocket to make sure I had a light.

I headed toward the door, snagging a dark green windbreaker from their closet. I put it on. “I’m going out for a smoke, I’ll probably be out there until Gerard comes.”

Jepha nodded, probably not listening to a word I said. I made it outside, breathing in a breath of long awaited fresh air. I stared out across the street, at cars whizzing by. None of them concerned with anything other then their destination. I sighed, again flipping the top to the box in my hand open and pulling out the only other thing I craved right now, besides Gerard.

I slipped my hand into my pocket, taking out my lighter to light the stick hanging from my lips. I noticed I was low on fluid. “Shit.”

I flicked the lighter, the flame coming to life and held it up the end of the cigarette. I let go and the flame died, letting me stuff it back into my pocket. Where had the days gone? It felt as if in the last few days I had turned into this soft, little guy not the hard, tough guy I was used to.

What had changed? More then I could really think about. My thoughts slipped to my father. What was he doing now? Did he even care that I was gone? That I could be fucking dead? I knew the answer. No. No, of course not. All I was.. Was an errand boy.

A servant? That’s my life. That will be my life. Forever and always. Destiny putting it’s stamp on my forehead, branded for eternity.

“Frank? Hey, Frank. You okay?” Dan walked up the steps, Quinn in tail. I blinked at them.

Dan repeated my name. Again. “I, uh- sorry. No, I guess I am a little out of it now. Thoughts not in the best of places and what not.” Dan nodded his head. Quinn stared at me, his eyes emotionless. No emotion and Quinn do not add up.

I took the butt of my cigarette and tossed it to the cemented floor. I crushed it with the toe of my chucks. “ So.. How’s um- Bert?”

Dan looked at me confused at the mention of his name, his voice matched his expression. “He’s- He’s great. He’s been wanting to apologize.. But he didn’t figure he was welcome-”

I shrugged. “Apologize for what. It was Gerard’s fault.”

I slammed my eyes shut after the words left my mouth. What the fuck was I trying to do? I knew damn well Gerard and that entire incident happened by mistake. A bad, very bad, drunken mistake.

I slowly opened my eyes, but neither Dan nor Quinn (surprisingly) were looking at me. No, their eyes were to the slight left of me. I swallowed and turned. The story of my fucking life.

“Gerard, I didn’t mean-”

His eyes were on mine. Cold and dark, and on top of that hurt. “How many things do I have to do? How many things do I have to say for you to get it, Frank? Tell me. How fucking many?”

I felt like a lost puppy. “G, but I-”

He stepped toward me, my eyes widening. “I told you never to call me G. No wonder you don’t get it. You never listen to a word I say. Do you enjoy it? Fucking around with me? Do you fucking enjoy it?”

He turned and I watched his figure walk away. Just like that; Gone. My eyes followed him down the steps leading to the side walk, I took a few steps forward so I could watch him just a little longer. Then I turned to Dan and Quinn.

Dan in shock. Quinn still emotionless. “I didn’t mean it. Really! I just. I said shit. I- I…”

My voice trailed away until no sound came out. I stood there with the other two, not knowing what he would do. Who knows what Gerard could do.. He was pissed as hell. I was to blame. I could see no way of fixing this.

“What do I do..?” Even to me, my voice resembled a little kid’s. Small. Quiet. Weak..

Quinn looked down at his feet and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. What was up with him? Quinn sighed and slowly brought his head up, eyes meeting mine. “Go after him.”

Dan turned his head and looked at the street. He must feel completely awkward. I looked at Quinn eyes. It was as if he was covering his eyes, shielding them away from the world so no one could see him. I have to ask him how that trick works. I knew something happened. It had to have been between him and Bert, what else would make him this out of it?

I turned and ran. Down the steps, along the sidewalk, and down the street. I let my feet take me wherever they thought he might be. Anywhere. Everywhere. Somewhere. Just where he was.

I didn't have a clue where I was though. Vaguely familiar streets, and then.. The street. My street. Somehow I ended back here and my mind shut off. I looked up and down the mostly empty block, only a few cars parked on the street. I looked down at my chucks as I moved my feet forward. Stepping closer and closer to my own person hell.

Why was I going this way? Why don’t I just turn around and go back? But I knew why. I had to face this. Him. It.

I turned my head to the left looking up the outside structure of the house I grew up in. The loose bricks, the crumbling steps, the ivy covered side, and the newly shattered front window. I could only wonder how that happened?

I stopped just in front of the screen door, now falling off it’s hinges. I stared at the wooden door behind it, the letter C carved into it. I blinked, knowing I have my mother’s last name Iero not my father as I should Carrleo.

I froze as I heard a sound from the inside. I scream and a crash, a woman’s voice on the inside. Then the deep voice.. His voice. “Get your shit out of my house by the time I get back or.. Expect to never see daylight again. You whore.”

I should run. I should get the hell out of here, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move away from the spot I was standing at. I couldn’t move as I listening to his heavy footsteps form inside the house come closer to the door. I couldn’t breath as I heard the doorknob click and turn. My heart stopped beating as he pulled the door open.

I couldn’t see as he stared straight at me… I couldn’t feel as his fist collided with my face.… I couldn’t hear as he screamed at me, pushing me against the wall. I couldn’t think as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and lifted me off the ground. I couldn’t live as he left me beaten and alone.

“You leave again you fucking piece of shit, and I swear you’ll end up the same way your mother did.” I looked up at the man I once called Dad. His hair the same shade as mine, his eyes slightly darker. Then I saw what Quinn had seen the night he took me in. The bloodshot eyes, and the visible veins.

The door beside him swung open, a girl maybe my age running out. She stopped and stared at me. I swallowed and stared at her. The girl, that chick I had seen the night I met Mikey. I caught a glimpse of blood running down her arm.

She blinked at me and turned, walking away, carrying a small bag and a leather jacket. In that small time I caught her eye. She had light hazel eyes, lighter then Gerard’s.. But her eyes held fear and hate.

My eyes met with his again. Why did I have to look so much like him? Does that mean…

No heart was in him. No love could he ever hold. Then I felt the fear flow through my veins, pound in my chest. What if I could never love Gerard because of him?

Fight him. Get him back. My mind kept telling me. How could I? He was my.. Dad.

Kick him. Scream. Run. Get the fuck away from him.

“You, Frank, should get your ass inside right fucking now.” He leaned down, close to my face. His mouth too close to my own. I could smell the alcohol from his breath. “I think we need to have a little talk, ’son’”

He released me form his grip and walked inside the house. He knew I could run, the same way I know I could run. I clamped my eyes shut and took in a deep, shaky breath. But we both knew…

I could never run from him.