This Is How I Disappear

How could I be so selfish and have not prevented this when I first saw it? How could I ignore the signs that my own mother was going to die? I could have stopped it; I could have saved her. I sat on the edge of the bed and those thoughts kept running through my head and I was blaming myself more and more. Soon enough, I was crying harder and harder while holding my knees tight to my stomach. Right after I found my mother died, I ran up to my room and changed into something more comfortable and just decided that I did not want to leave the room. Images of my mother and everything she had done for me flashed before my eyes. She saved my one true love and I couldn’t return the favor. That what killed me the most, it was like I killed her myself.

Suddenly I heard a soft knock on the door. I ignored it, wanting to be alone. I wiped my eyes as I heard the knock again. I sighed and continue to sit there, hoping they would just go away. I rested my head on my knees and continue to cry at the lost of my mother when I heard the door open. Through my legs I could see the light shinning onto the floor and a figure of a man standing at the doorway. It was probably Alexander or something, so I continued to ignore them. I closed my eyes and heard them walk in closer. I heard the door close and they were now right in front of me, “Sugar?"

I looked up and there he was, Gerard was standing right in front of me. He looked sad and of course everyone was sad about what had happen. He lean down and got on his knees in front of me so we were almost eye level; his eye level was a little bit lower than mine. He grabbed my hands and I moved my knees to sit Indian style on the bed. I sighed as he kissed my hand lightly than looked into my eyes, “I am truly sorry about what happened Analisa; I promise someone will pay for it.”

“I could have stopped it Gerard,” I cried and turned away from him as the tears flowed down my cheek. I heard him shuffle around and now he was sitting next to me. He held my face in his hands and he kissed my forehead lovingly. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and he wrapped his own arms around my waist. He pulled me onto his lap and cradled me in his arms. I cried into his neck as I he ran his fingers through my hair, soothing me. I cling to his body hoping he would not leave me, praying that he would stay with me forever.

“My love, you cannot blame yourself for what had happen. It was beyond your control,” he whispered and I tried to believe that, but that voice in the back of my head told me another story. I nodded my head letting him know that it helped, but nothing could take away this lonely feeling, “You mean the world to me Ana, I never want to lose you.”

My heart crashed and I held him tighter. He did want to be with me, and only me. He held me just as tight and kissed the side of my head proving he was still in love with me, “Gerard, I am sorry I overacted about everything. I was being stubborn.”

“You have nothing to apologize for sugar; I should have told you everything and knew how some things would affect you. But I want you to know that I love you and that no one could ever change that,” he explained to me and I pulled away from his neck. He smiled down at me and then kissed me tenderly. It felt so good to kiss him again. It had been so long since he kissed me this way and I was completely enjoying it. His hands moved to my hair and pushed it out of his way as he kissed me deeper. Everything in my body was coming alive as I moved to just straddle his lap and kissed him just as deep. Nothing in the world could stop our love, and we were here to prove it.