This Is How I Disappear

After dinner, everyone gathered into the drawing room, but me. I need time to think and to figure things out. I went upstairs and into my room to think about my marriage. Was I overreacting or was I on the right track. I paced back and forth in my room letting my mind wonder not realizing that someone had walked into the room. My back was turned towards the door as I looked out the window into the dark night sky, “There you are Analisa and we were all looking for you.” I turned around and saw that Nikki was standing in front of the door. She had reached behind and closed it lightly not wanting anyone hear where we were at.

“I just need time to think,” I whispered as I rubbed my arms and walked closer to her, “So what’s up?”

“I just have some awesome news that I have to share with you,” she smiled happily as she walked into the room more and sat on the bed. I looked down at her with a quizzical brow.

“And what might that be?” I asked her.

“Frankie just asked me to marry him! Isn’t that insane!” she jumped up and hugged me tightly. I smiled happily as I hugged her back and we jumped around like little school girls. We pulled away and I could see the pure happiness in her eyes. She was tearing up as she wiped her eyes. I smiled feeling my heart fall to the floor, “I can’t believe he got Bob to even agree to it.”

“Sweetie, I had to tell you, but I knew all along,” I whispered and she looked at me confused and then realized what I was talking about.

“You had a premonition about my wedding?” she said defensively and the smiled. I nodded as she hugged me tightly again.

“I didn’t want to ruin the surprise,” I told her and she sighed.

“Well I am glad, I wouldn’t want to know either,” she laughed and that’s when we heard the door open again. We both faced the door and I felt my heart dropped again as he walked into our room. His hair fell into his face as he searched the room, finally finding us near the bed. He stood up straight and I felt Nikki nudge my arm. I looked to the ground as I heard him speak.

“Do you mind giving us some privacy Nikki?” I heard him ask her. She shook her head no and I wish she just stood there. I didn’t want to do this alone. I bite my lip as I heard her walk out and close the door behind her. It was dead silence as we stood across the room from each other. The tension was so thick that it made either of us want to talk. I heard Gerard shift his weight from foot to foot deciding on what he should say, “So what was up with you at dinner tonight?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him looking up at him.

“I am talking about how moody you got and how you ignored everyone. It was really rude in front of our guest,” he explained and I laughed lightly while shaking my head.

“Well at least I wasn’t drooling over every word she said Gerard,” I snapped back and walked towards the window.

“What are you talking about Analisa?” he asked confused and I looked to the ground. I mustered up all the energy and courage I had in me to fight my way through this.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you had a relationship with Aiden?” I asked him as I turned towards him.

“Because it was a long time ago and I didn’t think it was important,” he said defensively.

“But you could have at least warned me and not let me get blindsided by Andy. What is it about her that you are so excited that she is here?” I asked him and he only shrugged his shoulder, “I mean I was standing in a towel in front of you Gerard and you told me to get dressed!”

“Because it would be impolite to ignore any guest if we started to have sex right above their heads. Excuse me for being modest for once Analisa,” he yelled back at me.

“How was I suppose to know she was here anyways!” I yelled and held my hands at my side.

“I think your overacting about the whole thing,” he said in a calmer voice and I only shook my head.

“Well I wouldn’t be overacting if you weren’t all over Andy down there like it was Aiden sitting there,” I hissed and he looked at me shocked. He just shook his head while I bite my lip from letting anything else slip out.

“I don’t understand you sometimes Analisa. I don’t even have feelings for Aiden anymore,” he argued with me and I only shook my head in disbelief. I walked past him and looked into my draw for something more comfortable to wear. He backed up and just watched me.
“Would you stop lieing to yourself Gerard, it’s getting pretty old,” I snapped and walked towards our bathroom. I walked in and slammed the door. I sighed heavily as I leaned up against the door and rested my face in my hands. I felt like crying, but nothing was coming out, I was too hurt to even think about crying. I quickly got out of my clothes and into my comfortable night attire. I opened the door and saw that Gerard was still in the room sitting on the bed.

“I am sorry if I did something wrong Analisa, but I can assure you that I am not in love with Aiden,” he said and he looked up at me.

“Whatever Gerard, Andy told me how you guys used to be. How she couldn’t even tame you and I could. Like come on Gerard, you only broke off the engagement with her when you found out about me,” I told him as I threw my clothes in the hamper and looked back at him. He stood up laughing and shook his head.

“Anything I try to say to you, you only twist it around and put words in my mouth. I am sick of it Analisa, do you realized that I only love you?” he asked running his fingers through his hair.

“I think you still love Aiden and you only married me to cover it all up. I just need to get away to think, “I told him as I headed towards the door.

“What are you talking about Analisa? We need to talk this out right now,” he said as he pushed the door closed. I sighed and tried to push him out of the way, but I failed miserably.

“Let me through Gerard,” I said through my teeth. He only shook his head and got in front of me, “What is your problem Gerard? Don’t you realize that I don’t want to be around you right now?”

“My problem is trying to resolve things with you Analisa, but your overacting, typical woman,” he said and it made my blood boil. I looked up at him hurt and confused. I shook my head and gripped my hands tightly into a ball.

“No Gerard, I am dealing with the fact that I feel so hurt every time you look at Andy. I feel hurt because I know you are sitting there thinking it was Aiden again, I seen that look before Gerard. You can deny it all you want, but it hurts me,” I started to cry and I saw his face soften. I saw his arms fall to his side and then looked down at his feet.

“If you run away now, how do you ever expect this marriage to work Ana?” he asked me and I knew the answer. I knew the whole reason to our problems.

“I don’t expect it to work Gerard, we got married way too young,” I whispered and pushed him out of the way. He was so hurt by my words that he let me through. Once I was out of the room, I took off down the hallway, to a room that only one person could comfort me at a time like this, and that was Cay’s room.



“Don’t you think you are overacting just a little bit Analisa?” she asked me as she stood near her dresser. I was in her room and sitting on her bed. I held my knees to my chest and was looking at the floor, trying to imagine patterns within the fibers. I bite my lip and looked up at her. Of course that thought was running over and over in my mind, but at the same time, he would have at least mentioned it. I looked towards the window with a deep sigh.

“I thought so too, but come on Cay, he had his chance to tell me and he didn’t. I just think we married way to young and way too fast. Like seriously, I hardly know the guy,” I told her and myself. It was true, for the first time I was realizing that I truly did not know who my husband was. I didn’t even know his mother’s name.

“Then get to know him Analisa, don’t sit here and mope when you have a chance at something beautiful. Suck it up and go after him,” she said and I looked at her confused. Was I moping that much that she was getting aggravated with me. I bite my lip again and stood up in front of her. I looked to the ground and fixed my shirt.

“It’s not that simple Cay. I think we can’t fix this. I know it is something so small and trivial, but at the same time, we got married way too young. I think it was in the heat of the moment and the whole situation that left us blind,” I tried to explain to her. But that was how I truly felt, that we really didn’t love each other, that it was the situation that made us. It took a stranger to even point that out to me, and how I wasn’t ready to devote myself to one person for the rest of my life, “Thanks Cay, but I should really get to bed now.” I told her and while another word from either of us, I made my way out of her room. I walked slowly down the hallway, trying to keep myself from crying. I never wanted this, I never wanted to be so close a man, but at the same time feel so alone.