Where Do I Begin? All I Know Is Gone

Bridgend's employment opportunities were as vast as the housing ones. There was practically nothing going in this town. I talked my way into a few interviews at bakeries and bookshops, but they couldn't give me any permanent work. I guess selling pastries and sandwiches three days a week would have to do for now. At least it was something, which was better than being unemployed. I was due to start the day before Bullet went out on the road again, a Wednesday afternoon shift, which gave me four and a half more days of freedom and acting like a tourist.

In the meantime we were out in Padge's backyard, since the summer weather was actually cooperating, to celebrate. Those boys will take any excuse for a drinking session, although I do have to say that being around their kids did slow Moose and Jay down a bit. They were careful, trying not to swear too much, and they all refrained from getting high around the kids too.

"I don't know why you don't just move in here," Jay was telling me across the table we were sat around. "You basically live here anyway."

Now, I'm not going to say he doesn't have a point, but I'm not just going to usurp Padge's house either. I was also a little shocked that he knew I was spending so much time here. We hadn't kept it secret, but at the same time we weren't screaming it to anyone who'd listen. I guess Jay was just a bit more perceptive than he looked.

"What do you mean?" I feigned ignorance, uncomfortable with the looks the rest of the table were giving me while Padge was inside with Matt getting more drinks and organising some food.

Jay just scoffed openly, huffing out a puff of amusement while shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "You know exactly what I mean Justice. You're here every night, you and Padge obviously have some thing going on..." his voice faded as Padge stuck his head out of the back door, checking everyone was still ok. There was no malice in his voice, more a curiosity and air of authority.

"Jay, leave her alone," his girlfriend Sara scolded, looking at me apologetically, while bouncing their daughter on her knee.

"The only thing going on is that we're both having trouble sleeping. Company helps. That's it." My tone was frustrated and defeatist, announcing that this subject was now done with.

A tap on my knee and a small voice drew my sight down, "Aunty Justice, can I sit on your knee?" Moose's son had apparently taken quite a liking to me on our trip to the castle, and since his mother, Keri, wasn't joining us this evening he'd deemed me in charge of him.

"Of course you can sweetie," I smiled while I helped him climb up. He was adorable, a mini version of his father with the personality to match. You could tell he was going to be a troublemaker as he got older, but he had that innocence to him as well.

I've never really spent that much time around children. None of my friends had kids, my brother was dead against having any of his own, and though a few of my cousins had them they lived in different parts of the country so I rarely saw them. There was the odd time I'd played with family friends' grandkids and my second cousins but that didn't happen often either. Aside from feeding my cousin's son Real when he was two weeks old I hadn't dealt with babies.

Lucky for me Ben was content to just sit and talk about random ideas that popped into his head, an area of expertise for me. That was how my brother and I communicated a lot of the time, just jumping from one subject to another whenever they appeared. We were in the middle of discussing his hatred of carrots when I felt a hand on my shoulder, Moose announcing it was time for the kids to eat.

Letting Ben jump carefully from my lap I watched him race inside the house, smiling.

"You ok?" Bailey asked.

I turned to find her looking at me curiously, only for me to return her look in confusion. "Yea, why wouldn't I be?"

Shrugging she shifted into the seat next to me. "I don't know, you just looked a bit sad."

"I guess I'm just wondering if I'll ever have kids of my own, or if I even still want any," I answered honestly. "I'd never really thought about kids until one day, completely out of the blue Conor sends me this message saying, 'I want to c our kids goin 4 pints... Not the old bollox in the corner...'"

Yes, I know that text by heart. I must've read it about twenty times in shock before I actually took in what he'd sent. I actually still have the message on my old phone, along with the one where he first announced his feelings for me - 'I think I proved how mad I really am txt'n u at the other side of the world to tell u that I would bring u to a wedding on fri... if u weren't on the other side of the world...'.

Until Conor brought up kids I'd honestly never really thought about having them. It had been a big shock to me, coming two months before my twenty-second birthday, and I'd had to think quickly. I know Conor was worried when I didn't text him back for a few hours, though that was mostly because I was spending the day with my mother and hadn't noticed the message until I took our dog, Cookie, for a walk. We spent the next hour or so messaging back and forth, with me slowly realising that it was a strong possibility.

"He wanted at least four kids, so they could all play together. And he wanted to start as soon as we could because apparently he's old-fashioned and didn't want to be too old that he'd embarrass them. I tried telling him it wouldn't matter, that he'd still be an amazing dad and our kids would love him. I mean, he was only twenty-eight, that's not old."

Bailey was nodding, a sad smile adorning her face while sympathy shone from her eyes. It seemed that everyone else had decided to tune into our conversation as well, since they were now murmuring words of support and compassion. They could all see that I still loved Conor, that I was hurting without him. I wasn't ready to move on, I didn't want to move on yet and it didn't feel like I'd ever want to move on from him.