Where Do I Begin? All I Know Is Gone

Going to bed that night I still wasn't feeling the greatest about my confession. Everyone had been really kind, and supportive of my situation, but there was still the uneasiness of genuinely wondering if I could ever see myself having anyone else's kids. It didn't help that I'd been having flashes of the dreams I'd had that showed Conor and myself playing with our daughter at the park, with me being heavily pregnant again. That had first popped up a month or so after the subject was first broached. I never told Conor about that dream, I don't know why. I think I was scared of being in that deep when our relationship was still relatively young. We'd only been officially together around a year when he brought it up, and obviously he was serious about me if he was thinking that far ahead, but I've always been apprehensive about showing my true emotions and vulnerability.

Snuggling into the blankets while Padge was still cleaning up afterourhis guests I couldn't help but replay that dream again, relishing the love and pride that reflected back at me through Conor's eyes, even though it only led me to more tears. I'd never actually see that look from him; never push our daughter on the swings.

Arms snaking around my body, pulling me back into a strong chest and comforting embrace snapped that image from haunting my vision. Laying his head gently against my neck Padge held me and murmured soft, calming words. Turning myself over in his grasp I smiled weakly up at him to show my thanks before pulling him close and taking refuge in the protection of his arms.

"We'd been talking about kids too," his low voice broke the silence. "Rhosyn wanted to wait until we were married though. That was supposed to be sometime next year, when we could schedule it between touring and getting ready for the next album. She was worried about having to do it all by herself. I know it would've been hard, but the other girls are doing it," I could feel him shrugging. "I don't know how after all these years she couldn't tell me that she wasn't happy. She never said anything on our last tour, nothing the last time I was home. She was just the same as always - excited for us. That's what hurts the most, I think. Why couldn't she tell me she was unhappy? If I had known then maybe I could have done something, you know?"

I let him talk, rubbing his back as he did the same to me. I knew he needed to get it all out, just let his thoughts vacate the prison they'd made of his head. It amused me a little that as his voice got thicker in its emotion his accent followed suit.

"How many did you want?" I asked once silence had settled over us again. I don't know why I felt the need to ask; maybe it was just to prolong sleep that little bit longer, fearing my dreams would haunt me once again.

It took Padge a little while to respond, but slowly I heard a faint, "Two or three. I don't like the idea of being an only child, but I don't want too many little shites either." His chuckle shook his chest, in turn shaking me too. It was good to hear his spirits were back up a little.

"Interesting. That's pretty much exactly my theory on kids. I could never have just one. Conor wanted at least four though. I guess because he was one of five, he was used to having brothers and sisters everywhere."

x

Morning brought with it another summer shower. The dreariness of a grey day seemed to hang over everything, and everyone. Padge and I had planned to take a drive up to Caernarfon and Beaumaris castles, in the northwest of the country. Beaumaris was on the isle of Anglesey, just over the straight from Caernarfon. It was about a four hour drive, meaning that we wouldn't be back until late that night.

Leaving Padge to continue sleeping the morning away I made my way towards the television set, turning it on and to the weather channel. Since we never really bought a paper, or watched the news, the weather channel was a godsend in situations like this. According to it's information the bad weather had set in over the entire country, and half of the rest of the island that contained it. Not exactly the best day to be walking around outside in ruins. Thankfully the rain was supposed to let up overnight, leaving the rest of the weekend, and most of the following week with sunny skies.

Crawling back beneath the covers, cuddling up to steal some of the heat that was radiating off of Padge's body I shook him a little until he groggily opened his eyes in annoyance.

"Yes, woman?" It was cute how that was the most offensive he ever got, unless he was talking to one of the guys.

"Just thought you'd like to know we're staying in bed today. The weather is shit and I'm cold, and u need to warm me up again." With that said I set my cold hands on his bare back, where his shirt had ridden up from his squirming. A violent shiver ran through his body, strong enough to shake the bed, causing me to laugh loudly while he glared and tried to move my hands off his skin.

It took him a while, but finally he managed to overpower me, flipping over to pin my hands on the pillow either side of my head. "You're evil," he growled. There was a glint in his eyes as he held me there, my laughter now silently dying out.

"Sorry?" I tried, biting my lip and hoping I looked truthful. "Hey, you guys like pranking each other when you pass out drunk, right?" There had been a few stories told to that effect whenever touring became a part of the conversation. I have to say hearing about Padge having remote controls taped to him and having half his face coloured in black was my favourite one.

Padge looked sceptical at my change of topic, but affirmed that they did. "Why?"

"Oh, no reason. I just have the best prank ever if you need some good revenge one day." By now his grip had loosened, and he looked rather interested in my idea. "Maybe I'll tell you... someday," I winked at him, pulling my hands down below the covers and rolling onto my side to go back to sleep, ignoring his huff of indignation. He can't have been too annoyed, or else he was just really tired, because he was soon lying next to me, waiting for sleep to take its hold on him yet again.