Zack Baker

Patience had never been a virtue Zack had much interest in developing.

Unfortunately, for as long as he was going to be involved with Tegan, he had no option but to try.

He just wished it wasn’t so damned difficult.

He wanted to cross the room, take hole of her shoulders, hold her, kiss her…something, anything to melt that icy shell around her heart.

He ached for her, and he hadn’t felt anything this deep and penetrating since he’d held baby Shanna in his arms for the first time.

“Tegan, I’m waiting,” he said, tempering his words, even if that was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. “Why do you act like marrying me is a life sentence?”

“Because it is.”

Her words echoed in the room and pounded in his heart. She saw this—him—as punishment for her sins.

“It’s about control,” she said. “I don’t want to lose it again—I swore I never would. A wedding band is a shackle that will tie me to you, and I won’t be able to get out.

Beneath his breath, he swore.

Before he thought of what to say next, she softly explained, “Everything you’ve guessed about my relationship with Aaron is right.”

“Including the fact you didn’t have a good sex life?”

“Sex was one of my responsibilities.”

Zack’s gut clenched. The idea of a woman making love with him out of a sense of obligation sat like a burr in his gut. “A responsibility?”

“Three times a week.”

“He told you that?”

“All the time.”

“Whether you wanted it or not?”

“That was irrelevant. Aaron needed the release to deal with his stress.”

She blinked, then looked at Zack through the long veil of her light brown lashes, not hiding anything. She had the power to make him simultaneously want to protect and possess.

“After the first year, I didn’t want it. Ever.”

“So why did you stay married to him?”

“If I could have a dime for every time I’ve asked myself that question…” She attempted a smile that fell flat. “When I met him, I fell in love, head over heels. I wouldn’t have married him unless I loved him.

“I was young, out on my own for the first time. I’d gone to LA to attend college and Aaron had already graduated. He had a good job, his own apartment. I was flattered by his attention to me—a nobody from a small town.”

“A nobody?” The words stuck in Zack’s craw.

“That’s what I thought.”

“And Aaron reinforced that?”

“At first, no… He showered me with attention, took me to his apartment, encouraged me to fix meals, instead of us going out.”

“He wanted you to take care of him?”

“Yes. Just I didn’t see that then. He proposed, and I was swept off my feet. He was older—wiser, I thought—and I believed he wanted what was best for me. I only wanted the best for him.

“He had his own place. If I moved in with him instead of staying in a dorm, I could save my parents money. We agreed that after I graduated, we could start a family. I wanted two kids—Aaron said that was fine with him.”

This time, the tension in Zack’s gut felt strung out, like razor-sharp barbed wire.

“I told you about my infertility, Zack. I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t trick you that night.”

He drummed his index finger on the head of the poker, saying nothing. At this point, her words were irrelevant. She was carrying his baby. That was all that mattered.

“After I graduated, he convinced me that it was better to be a stay-at-home mom that he earned enough money to support his family. I loved that idea—it was my picture of a perfect marriage and a perfect family. But pretty soon, he called me lazy.”

Zack couldn’t hold back his sneer. He knew how hard she and her sister worked to make the flower store a success—hours of sweat and toil every week.

“Three years later, I had no money, no checkbook, no baby…”

Protectively her hand covered her abdomen. He’d seen her do it several times, and each time, something inside him lurched.

Gena had done little but complain the whole time she’d been pregnant—she was losing her shape, feeling fat; the baby moved too much; she couldn’t get comfortable.

But Tegan, with the way the baby mattered so much…he couldn’t be sorry she carried his child, even if he still suspected she’d lied to him.

“I didn’t even like trying to conceive, not after…”

Color drained from her face. He needed to stop this, now. “Tegan, don’t.”

“I’m okay,” she said. “If we’re going to…You have a right to know why I—why the idea of being married scares me.”

His hand gripped the poker.

“I went to the doctor. At first she told me to relax, that I was stressed out. I tried everything—taking my temperature, trying to get in the mood, wearing sexy negligees, but when he…” she took a breath, tipping up her chin to meet his gaze. “I didn’t enjoy it. Aaron just got in bed, then got on top of me.”

“Whether you were ready for him or not?”

Her gaze dropped.

Rage filled Zack. He slammed the poker against its metal holder. He thought of nothing except the churning urge to wrap his hands around the coward’s neck and make the slimy bastard hurt the same way he’d hurt Tegan.

“After six months, I went back to the doctor and asked Aaron to do the same. They did all these tests. It was awful. But I would have done anything. We’d been married for two years and…nothing happened.

“According to Aaron, the doctor said his sperm count was good—“

“Not good enough.”

She shook her head. “And said it was a problem with me.”

“That idiot husband lied to you.”

“That’s what Dr. Johnson believes must have happened. I’m sorry, Zack—I would never have made love to you if I’d know. I’m not the kind of woman who would do something like that. I know you don’t believe me, but—“

He moved to her, placing his hand over her lips, sealing off the words. “It doesn’t matter.”

Her eyes were wide, telegraphing how important it was to her. And because it was, it had to mater to him. He’d been in a lot of difficult situations in his life—hell, they’d honed him into the man he was today.

But he knows—he knew-nothing had ever been as important as the next few minutes. Softly, he said, “I believe you.”

She pushed his hand away. “You do?”

“Yeah. I do.”

She leaned forward. “You’re not just saying that?”

“I mean what I say, Tegan. You should know that.”

“I know.”

Her sigh did more to his insides than any lovemaking ever had. He captured a lock of her hair and twirled it around one of his fingers, liking the way the strands felt, like the slide of silk.

“You don’t know what your belief means to me, Zack.”

“Yeah, maybe I do.” He saw it in her eyes. Her integrity was important to her. To him, as well.

“Thank you,” she said.

For a moment, he wondered how he’d ever doubted her.

“There’s more,” she said. “I knew what a sham our relationship was, but it ended the day he came home from work and found me taking a nap. I was sick, with the flu. He ripped the covers off me and dragged me out of bed.”

Absently she massaged her wrist, as if still trying to erase the memory.

“He pulled me into the living room and showed me the dust on the coffee table. How dare I be so lazy when he was working so hard to provide a living for us?”
<BR>
Zack took the wrist and cradled and stroked it himself.

“I apologized to him, Zack, for being a failure. I actually apologized. Then, when I was cleaning the table with the rag he threw at me, I saw what I’d become.

“He told me it was a good thing I hadn’t conceived. I was too lazy to be a good mother. When I finally gathered enough guts to call home and ask for help, I vowed I’d never sentence myself to that kind of humiliation again.”

Zack fought to keep his grip from tightening. Carefully enunciating the words, he stated, “I’m not Aaron.”

“No. You’re not.” Her gaze dropped to his hand. “And that may be worse.”

Tension returned with her honesty—the honesty he admired and yet found frustrating. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She didn’t respond.

“Tegan, look at me.”

Finally she did. “You’re twice the man Aaron was. You made me…”

In her eyes, he saw the conflicting emotions, reluctance battling honesty, making green eyes spark and flare, reflecting the burning fire.

“You swept me away, Zack, making me forget all my resolve not to be involved with another man. And then when I…”

“Climaxed—“

Tegan nodded. “At least with Aaron, I could keep that part of me hidden. But you…” She looked at him. “You weren’t satisfied until I was. I lost control, Zack. You took it.”

At least he had the same physical effect on her that she cast over him. Not that it helped any.

“Later, I told myself it was okay, that it was only a one-night stand, and I’d never have to see you again. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I thought it was okay, that you wouldn’t want a family, that I was safe.”

“You were wrong.”

“Yes.” She shook her head, dislodging the strand he’d woven earlier around his finger. “Don’t you see, Zack? It’ll never work. I won’t allow myself to lose control again, forget who I am, become some man’s puppet.”

He put his hands on her shoulders. “You think that’s what I want? Hell, if I wanted a trophy, I’d display the ones I won at music festivals. I don’t need trophies on my mantel, and I sure as sunshine don’t need one on my arm.”

“Good thing,” she said. “Because that’s not who I am.”

“Why the hell do you think I was attracted to you in the first place? I liked you vibrancy, your openness, your willingness to live life fully. I know what I was getting with you, Tegan. It was you I wanted, not some woman I could bully.

“And having sex isn’t the same thing as losing control in a relationship,” Zack said.

“Maybe to you, but to me, they can’t be separated.”

Zack exhaled a frustrated breath. “Aaron wasn’t a real man, and he didn’t now how to treat the woman he was lucky enough to have. He didn’t deserve you. But lets get this straight, Tegan, one and for all. You’re going to be my wife, not just someone to warm by my bed and give me a hormonal release.”

Looking into the promise in the green depths of his eyes, she very nearly did lose herself…

“I will do everything I my power to make sure you always feel you’re respected as my wife. We’re walking into this marriage with our eyes wide open. There are no pretensions, no love. Even after you sell your house, you can keep the money. If you don’t want a joint checking account, that’s fine, but I’ll add you to mine and you won’t have to explain your purchases. We can draw up a prenuptial agreement to protect you.”

She moved away from him. “It’s not that simple for me.”

He dragged a hand through his hair. “You need to know something, Tegan.” He crossed the room and stood looking out the window, his back to her. “Something I’ve never told another human being.”

She paced the room, unable to contain the energy churning inside her.

“My mother brought home a man one night, when I was about five.”

“The rawness in Zack’s voice haltered her steps. She folded her arms across her chest, waiting. She’d never heard this in his tone before, a vulnerability that cut through the years of revealed pain.

“It was a couple of days before Christmas. Matt Sander’s dad took me and Matt to the general store—they’d brought in a Santa Claus for the kids. When I crawled up on his lap, I told him I wanted to meet my dad, find out who he was. I’d always wondered, figured my mom knew even if she’d listed his name as Unknown on my birth certificate.”

Tegan ached.

“I was sure he’d like me if I could just meet him. I promised God every night I’d be good, as long as I could have a daddy, like Matt.”

The air froze in her lungs.

“Then my mother brought home a man. Joe Stubing was his name. I’ll never forget it. He was tall, had dark hair, like mine. His eyes were green, like mine. My mom had blue eyes, so I thought…”

Tegan placed a hand over her heart. “You thought he was your father.”

Zack turned then.

His eyes were as ravaged as his voice.

“Everyone I knew had a real family. Matt had the best. I was the only one who didn’t have a father.”

“I called him Daddy.” Zack sneered. “I knew Santa had brought me what I wanted more than anything. I ran up to the man, hugged him around the knees. I’d never been happier in my life.”

She swallowed deeply.

“He hit me, telling me to get away from him, told me I was a no-good bastard.”

“Oh, God.” Her heart wrenched. “Oh, God.”

“Gets better. Mom was appalled by my behavior. She screamed at me, slapped me herself—across the face. I never asked about my father again and I stopped believing in Santa Claus. Humiliation, Tegan? I’ve swallowed my share, too.”

In a moment Tegan was in his arms, her hand between them, resting on his chest. His heart raced; his jaw was tight with the effort of keeping his feelings locked away.

He lowered his head, and she offered her mouth, wanting to help him forget. No man had ever shown her this kind of soul-baring honesty, and it stripped her defenses.

His kiss was alternately tender and reassuring, seeking and demanding.

“We’ll figure out how to make it work out,” he said when she teetered on the edge of surrender. “But I can’t let my kid grow up without a normal family.”

He didn’t say another word, but left her, slamming the door behind him and making her jump.

She ached for the boy he’d been.

But the man he’d become at times terrified her.