A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

Zel rang the doorbell and stood back patiently. Naomi had called her when she would have been working at the diner, telling her to come hang out before she went to Monday’s; she was at Jack’s, which made Zel roll her eyes. She really didn’t want to know about them; she could guess and that was bad enough.

The door opened to reveal the brunette with the crimson streak herself, smiling hopefully. “You,” Zel declared, “Are in so much trouble.”

“You looked hot!” Naomi insisted, stepping back as Zel walked into the living room. “I should know; I dressed you.”

“Yeah, Alex thought so too.” She shook her head in irritation. “Which is why I was ogled and then groped.”

Her friend blinked, swinging the front door shut. She tried to hide her grin, but failed miserably. “Groped?”

Zel bit her lower lip, embarrassed that she’d let that slip. She didn’t really want to divulge details of the date period, much less in the middle of a guy’s house. “We… made out on top of his car,” she muttered, distinctly not looking at Naomi, knowing she was grinning. “Where are the guys?”

“Basement.” Naomi walked backwards in front of Zel, still smiling. “So you had a good time then?”

“No!” Zel rambled, walking down the steps. “It was awkward and uncomfortable and… and…” She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked back at Zack, Rian, Jack, and Alex, turned around on the couch and in chairs staring at her. “And… hey, guys.”

Alex rolled his eyes, thankful for the interruption. “Anyway... let’s move on—”

“Nope!” Jack interjected with a big grin as sat Naomi beside him. “Since we can’t bug you alone about details without Naomi, we’ll just have to ask you both!”

Zel raised a sceptical eyebrow at him as she sat on the floor. Alex pursed his lips and looked around the room interestedly. The others laughed and made noises of curiosity. “You had a date with her?” Rian asked, pointed. “You didn’t tell us that!” He looked at Zel. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“I didn’t know you cared,” she replied with a shrug, wrapping her arms around her knees. “I didn’t think it mattered.”

Zack and Jack hissed at the burn on Alex, who blinked wide eyes at Zel. “I thought you enjoyed yourself,” he said, smirk growing on his face. “That’s what you said this morning.”

The others all turned back to Zel, laughing. She shot him a level glare, which he returned with a smile. “Oh, so there was more than groping?” Naomi asked, grinning at her friend.

Zel’s cheeks heated as she gaped at her and the guys listened, grinning. “No, there was not!” she insisted, leaning back on her hands. “Absolutely nothing like that happened.”

Alex blinked pointedly at her, rolling his eyes around at the guys. “Not nothing!”

She scoffed a laugh. “You tried and I pushed you off the car.”

“Oooooo! Rejected!” Jack howled.

Zack squinted out the window leading to the yard. “Hey, I think that was a pig flying by the window. Alex must have not gotten laid on a date.”

“This just in! Satan ice-skates to work! More at eleven!”

“Jack, you’re not one to talk,” Zel snipped, arching an eyebrow at him. “From what I’ve heard, you’re not that well-endowed.”

Naomi abruptly stopped laughing, jaw dropping and eyes going wide. Zel smirked as the other boys snickered loudly and Jack gave Naomi a kicked-puppy look. “That’s out of context!” she swore, voice raising several decibels and going shrieky.

This, if anything, only made Rian, Zack, and Alex laughed harder. “What were you comparing it to?!” Jack demanded, staring with big eyes at Naomi, who blushed and took on a sheepish look.

“…Your guitar…”

As they continued arguing about Jack’s stature and ability in bed, the other four shook their heads at each other. Zel didn’t know Jack, but she knew Naomi, and she could tell they were absolutely perfect for each other. The rest of the band seemed to have the same impression. Because of this, they weren’t surprised when the lovers’ spat ended with “Fine!”, a returned “Fine!”, and then both crashing into each other with their lips and tumbling to the floor in a pile of limbs.

Rian edged away uncomfortably. “What is with them and falling off things?” he wondered aloud.

“I wonder if they do anything that doesn’t end in sex,” Zack pondered, eying them sceptically.

Without even glancing in each other’s direction, both Alex and Zel chirruped, “...Nope.”

They blinked at each other, while Zack rolled his eyes, muttering to Rian something like, “Oh god, not them too.” With all attentions diverted, no one noticed Naomi detach herself from Jack. “Oh, like you two are any different,” she said shortly, grinning. “I know you both wanted to marinade the flank steak on Wednesday, if you know what I mean.”

Zel’s head snapped around to her friend, eyes narrowing, but Naomi had already gone back to kissing Jack. “Jesus, you went out Wednesday too?” Rian asked, completely surprised at his old best friend. She hadn’t shown any interest in Alex that he’d seen before, and now she was going out with him twice in a week? He decided that he liked it better before.

Alex covered any hint that that what Naomi said was indeed the truth with a snicker. “Well, if you two keep going like you are, Zel won’t have to wonder anymore about what Jack hides in his pants.”

The Italian brunette arched an eyebrow at him. “Not everyone is as interested in Jack’s genitalia as you are, Alex,” she commented lightly. Their companions burst out laughing, and Alex could only nod in acknowledgment of himself getting one-upped. Zel climbed to her feet. “I’m going to the bar. Catch you weirdoes later.”

Alex turned, watching her, as she walked to the stairs. “Hey,” he said, catching her attention. Zel stopped and blinked expectantly. Alex smiled and gave a wink. “I’ll call you.” She rolled her eyes, smiling to herself, and ascended the stairs.

“I like her,” Zack announced, sinking into the couch. “She doesn’t swoon over you at all.” Turning back around, Alex glared.

From the instant Zel’s alarm went off, her mind was frantic and worried. She zoomed in and out of the shower, jumped into her clothes, and raced downstairs to clean the house. After about an hour of furrowed brows and mumbling to herself, Luciano and Stephania appeared downstairs, pristinely dressed.

“Ho fame,” Stephania declared, watching her sister frenetically vacuuming.

Zel sighed, rubbing her temple to quell the headache forming. “I don’t have time to make breakfast,” she said. “Lu, would you get the pair of you some cereal or something? And Ania, please try not to spill on your dress.”

The youngest Kolston skipped into the kitchen, and her brother followed more slowly. “Relax, Zel,” he said. “We’ve done this before.”

His older sister sighed again, laying a hand flat on her forehead. “I know. I don’t even know why I’m stressed.” She put away the vacuum cleaner in the hall closet, and looked bemusedly over her shoulder when the doorbell rang. “Please tell me she’s not early.”

Zel crossed to the front door, fussing with her hair as her heels strained to make muffled sounds on the carpet. She opened the door and gasped silently. Alex grinned. “Now that’s the reaction a guy like to get,” he said, amused.

“No, no, no, no!” Zel fretted, wide-eyed. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here! You have to go!”

He frowned in confusion. “I got your address from Rian…” Alex moved his bangs, held in place by his beanie, out of his eyes. “Why can’t I be here? Why are you dressed up?”

She chewed her lip, tugging at her pencil skirt. “You just… can’t. I’ll explain later; just please, go.”

He smiled jokingly. “What, are your parents home and you’re worried they won’t approve of me?” he mused. Zel felt her heart break. She knew she shouldn’t be angry that he was so light-hearted, since he didn’t know, but it still nearly brought tears to her eyes. Alex saw how solemn she was and his smile faded. “Zel, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “Nothing,” she whispered. “You just need to go. You can come back in a few hours.”

“No.” Alex took a step forward and, seeing that Zel wasn’t going to move, grabbed her by the hips and forced her backwards. He shut the door and looked at her seriously. “What are you hiding?”

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Now was not the time to spill her history to Alex; Zel couldn’t think of a worse time, in fact. “We… A so…” She ran a hand through her hair. “Someone’s coming over, and it’s very important that she only see the best, and if you’re here, she might get the wrong impression.” She blinked, eyes going wide as Alex raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t mean how that sounded! I just meant—”

“Zel?” Both Zel and Alex turned to find Lu standing in the doorway to the kitchen, staring critically at Alex, particularly his hands on her waist and how close he was standing to her. “Chi è lui?”

“Not now, Lu,” she pleaded with a sigh.

Alex grinned, wrapping an arm around her. “So you’re Zel’s brother?” he asked, being friendly despite his anxiety to make Zel open up. “I’m Alex.”Your sister’s boyfriend. “I went to one of your hockey games. You’re pretty good.”

Luciano narrowed dark eyes at him. “Mi non piace lui,” he told his sister gravely. “Voglio lui partire.”

“I know, but we have to talk,” Zel admitted, taking Alex’s hand and pulling him to the couch. She might as well get it out of the way; maybe it would convince him to leave. “Would you take Ania upstairs, please?”

He nodded begrudgingly, leaned into the kitchen, told his younger sister to come play a game with him, and stalked upstairs, throwing Alex another wary glare. Alex, in turn, stared back at him in confusion; the kid only looked at him hatefully and wouldn’t even speak so he could understand. Well, that boded well. Ania wandered out and stopped when she saw Alex and Zel on the couch; she tilted her head. “I know you,” she decided after a moment.

Alex smiled weakly. “Yep. I’m Alex,” he reminded. “The one with the weird hair.”

“I like your weird hair,” Stephania said simply, not moving from her place. “Are you Zel’s boyfriend?”

He blinked at her before turning to Zel, who heaved an aggravated sigh. “Stephania, go upstairs,” she ordered wearily. The younger brunette shrugged and hopped up to the second floor. Zel rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. She’s a kid. But really.” Alex poked her knee. “What’s up?”

Zel chewed her lip as she stared down at her hands, clutched together in her lap. After a long pause she began, “My parents… were killed three years ago, just before my sixteenth birthday. My father owned a bank downtown, and my mother was a lawyer for some big company…”

“Wasn’t there a big raid on some bank three years ago?” Alex asked, frowning as he tried to remember. “I think I remember hearing about it.”

She nodded hesitantly. “The men who did it… three of them were shot and they never found the other two… but of all the injuries of the civilians, my parents were the only two fatalities.” Zel took a deep, shaky breath. “It was just this freak occurrence… it could’ve been anyone…”

Zel shifted uncomfortably as Alex said nothing. She felt the need to explain more; she didn’t want to, but the silence was killing her. “My father died in the hospital,” she continued in a low voice. “The last thing he ever said to me, besides to take care of Lu and Ania, was ‘You never really lose anyone if you love them’…”

She sniffled and blinked tears from her eyes, determined to not let them escape. “So I decided, after the funeral and after we moved in with my grandparents, that I never wanted to lose anyone again—I didn’t want to be close enough to anyone to care—so I made excuses not to hang out with friends anymore, I quit doing activities, I broke up with my boyfriend… I think that was easier than letting Rian go…”

Shaking her head, Zel gave a laugh that sounded pathetic even to her. “But anyway… I felt terrible for doing absolutely nothing around the house—neither of my grandparents worked—so I got a job at the diner, and that became my one thing to do. I went to school, went to work, came home, did homework, went to sleep, got up and did it again.

“When I turned eighteen, I got my credential for being a hairstylist, and once I graduated I managed to get a job at Monday’s and moved with my brother and sister back into our house. I didn’t make friends with anyone, I didn’t date. And with the exception of your little posse and you making me quit the diner, I’ve been here ever since,” Zel finished lamely, looking at her hands. After another pause, she shrugged slightly. “So there’s that.”

Alex hadn’t moved an inch since he’s spoken; he only watched Zel talk and understood how important this was to her. He was probably one of the only people she’d told, and he knew how she felt. “Is all that true?” he asked quietly, still staring at the side of her face.

Zel laughed spitefully, tears glimmering in her eyes. “I don’t want your sympathy,” she spat. “Why would I make up something like that?”

“Well, I can’t tell. You haven’t looked at me since you sat down.” Zel sniffed, briefly closed her eyes, and looked up at Alex. He gave her a small, warm smile. “I believe you; you wouldn’t bullshit me like that.” Alex scratched the back of his head uneasily. “And I’m guessing you wanted me to leave so you could visit them?”

“Er, no, actually.” Nervous again, Zel glanced at the clock just as a car parked in front of the house. “Shit, she’s here!” She leapt to her feet and hurriedly began straightening things up again. Alex stayed on the couch, confused. Who was?

Zel stopped in the middle of her living room and forced herself to take a breath. There was nothing to worry about. Except Alex. “Alex, you really need to go,” she said beseechingly. “If the social worker sees you here, she might think… well, that living with their eighteen-year-old sister and some guy isn’t the best environment for Ania and Lu.”

“But I don’t live here.”

“She doesn’t know that.”

Alex stood up and pulled her hands apart from nervously twisting together. “You seriously need to chill out,” he chuckled. “Zel, you’ll be fine. Nothing bad’s gonna happen.” The doorbell rang, but Alex didn’t let go of her hands. “Okay?”

Zel nodded slowly, eyes fixed on his brown ones, before snapping out of it and answering the door. She plastered on a smile, like when she waited all those tables of ungrateful patrons. “Hello, Marta,” she greeted. “Please come in. Would you like coffee?”

“Miss Kolston,” the suited woman observed snippily, striding into the living room. Her greying black hair was pulled sharply into a bun, not a strand out of place; her navy blue suit was pressed and crisp; she didn’t smile or laugh; mostly she just glared over that puckered mouth of hers. Basically, she wasn’t a woman you wanted to be around more than necessary.

Marta stopped short, arching a thin eyebrow at Alex. “Who is this?”

Alex opened his mouth, and Zel interjected, “This is Alex. He’s—”

“Where are the children?” Marta asked curtly, clutching her clipboard. Zel was thankful, as she went to the stairs and called her siblings, that she’d been interrupted when she had as she really didn’t know what she would have said. He’s what? she wondered as she made coffee. He isn’t my boyfriend—I don’t think… I don’t know if we’re even friends… Does he have a title? Does he even need one?

Generally the Kolstons’ meetings with the social worker went simply: Marta would show up, Zel would make pleasantries and coffee, she would tell about their lives since the last meeting and try to convince Marta how happy they were living there. After she finished her shpeal, Zel would go upstairs for ten minutes while Marta interviewed Luciano and Stephania.

This meeting, however, was far more tensely. Zel kept stumbling over her words, correcting herself when she said something that hinted at how difficult life was. Alex, to her shock, pulled one of her hands from her lap as she talked and squeezed it comfortingly. This did nothing to appease Lu, who hadn’t stopped leeringly dangerously at Alex since he returned downstairs, and as Zel spoke, she definitely noticed Marta glancing interestedly at Lu and taking notes on her clipboard. The only person who seemed at all at ease was Stephania who, being six, found these things dead boring anyway.

“If you would, Miss Kolston,” Marta said tersely, looking up from her notes, “I’d like to have a few minutes with the children alone.” Her lips pursed as her eyes slid across Zel and Alex on the couch. “And I’d like if you took your… friend with you.”

Alex was displeased, to say the least, with the woman and slightly weirded out by Lu. “That’s okay,” he said with a pointed smile. “I was planning on going anyway.” Zel looked at him with wide eyes as he stood. He chuckled when he noticed her dismayed expression, and pulled her by the hand. “You’re coming too. I’ve got something I want you to hear.”

As she shut the front door, Zel could swear that she heard Luciano mutter, “Oh, lui è musicista. Perfetto!” She groaned as she followed Alex to his car; Lu was not going to make easing back into the dating scene… easy.

“I dunno what he’s saying,” Alex said, unlocking his car and climbing in, “But your brother doesn’t like me.”

“Wherever did you get that impression?” Zel asked dryly, as he began rifling through a pile of CDs. She watched him for a minute, frowning as he switched to another pile. “What are we doing out here? If you think that making out in your car is going to make me feel better, it isn’t.”

Alex made a noise of triumph and grabbed a case at her feet. He took out the cd, stuffed it into the player, and skipped to the last song. “Seriously, Alex, what are we doing?”

“Just listen,” he replied, leaning back in the driver’s seat, grin gone from his face. That worried her more than anything, but Zel leaned against the door and followed his direction. Maybe she wasn’t the only one who was putting on a mask for the world.

“Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye… It could be for the last time and it’s not right…”

Zel blinked as the song burst on the word dead and looked over at Alex: his head back against the headrest, face blank, eyes shut. Like it wasn’t his voice practically screaming out of the speakers. Sure, she’d barely known Alex two weeks, but she’d never heard him so worked up. She also didn’t know how great his voice was.

“Forever’s never seemed so long as when you’re not around, it’s like a piece of me is missing. I could have learned so much from you but what's left now? Don't you realize you brought this family a world of pain? Can't you see there could have been a happy ending we let go?”

Despite being so melodious and making her want to jump around, the lyrics had a lonely, grieving, and sometimes angry tone. Zel stared, unmoving, through the floor as she listened, completely enraptured.

“ Sing me to sleep (You've taken so much with you...)
I'll see you in my dreams, (But left the worst with me...),
Waiting to say, ‘I miss you. I'm so sorry.’
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

Zel winced as her heart panged with the desperation in the last vocal note. The crash of music faded out, leaving the car in silence. She was almost afraid to speak, and he hadn’t moved since the song started, but once again her curiosity got the best of her. “Who’s that about?” she asked softly.

After a long pause Alex opened his eyes to stare out the front windshield. “My older brother,” he replied, trying to shake off the melancholy. He chucked slightly and shook his head. “Man, I still can’t listen to that song.”

“Because you miss him?”

“No, because of those two parts, at the beginning and end, that my voice cracks.”

Zel smiled, disbelieving that he could deal with tragedy like he did. Alex grinned at her and began to take out the CD, but she put a hand on his wrist. “D’you think I could hear the rest?” she requested, smiling shy. “I mean, they won’t be done for a few minutes.”

He sent her a confused but pleased smile. “You want to hear my band?” he asked, intrigued. She rolled her eyes and pressed play on the stereo; meanwhile Alex draped an arm around her and hummed along.

Alex was the first to notice Marta exiting the front door, since Zel was busy absorbing every lyric she heard and chuckling occasionally. He quickly removed his arm around her shoulder and turned down the music, watching the late-middle-aged woman march towards them. Zel frowned at him wearing a pristinely guiltless expression and jumped slightly when Marta knocked on the window.

“You may return inside, Miss Kolston,” she said when Zel rolled down the window; the comment was more of an order than an advisement. “And for next month’s meeting, I would advise you not to bring over… your friends.” She shot Alex a stern, pointed look and disappeared from view.

They waited until her car had turned the corner before Alex exhaled a breath and hung his head back. “Jeeeeeeez,” he groaned. “That woman is fucking scary.”

Zel laughed and resituated herself in the seat. “Yeah well, it probably comes with the job. But I should probably get back inside; Lu usually tells me what she asked.”

“Grill ‘em on what they said about me?”

She raised a pointed eyebrow at him over a wry smile. “Turn your music off before your ego explodes, Alex,” she advised, feeling around for the door handle.

“Oh, hey,” Alex said suddenly, making her stop, “We’re playing a show in a few days. You wanna come? I can probably convince security to let you and Naomi backstage. Pretend your merch girls or something.”

Zel smiled. “Sure,” she agreed, almost delighted by the idea. She hadn’t been to a concert in years. “I’d like that. See you around, Alex.”

As she made to climb out of the car, Alex smirked to himself before self-assuredly saying, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Zel frowned inquisitively, ducking into the door. When she leaned her knee onto the passenger seat, Alex pulled the back of her head closer and planted a brief, but hard, kiss on her lips.

When he let her go, Zel wobbled in standing back up. Alex smirked and gave a wave. “See you around, Zel.”