Memories Won't Let Me Cry

It had been two days since Matt, Brian and Lyndsey had found out I was married. They had informed everybody else and I had a situation on my hands where no one would really speak to me! My own father wouldn't look at me! Mom stayed away from me at all times! It hurt…but I deserved it! Truth is…Andrew and my marriage hadn't been all that good for quiet sometime now and I was regretting ever taking that bold step in becoming his wife.

For one, Andrew was too domineering! He would yell and push me around if he thought I was doing something wrong! Being the strong willed woman I was raised to be, I would fight back! It only causing more trouble and friction in the marriage! We rarely spoke when we where alone unless Andrew wanted sex…which was an every night routine unless we had fought! It wasn't the marriage I thought I would wind up in! But…now it was legal! I was married in the United States Army's Main headquarters...and the president signed our marriage license! It would be a disgrace not only to us, but to the US if I decided to divorce Andrew...but sometimes I thought about taking that risk!

I had kept to myself mainly, like I used to while growing up! I wouldn't eat with everyone else! When everyone would settle in the kitchen for dinner I would head out to go buy my own dinner! I hated acting like a bitch toward them...but the Army did teach me well when it came to that!

It was now near 6pm and I knew by the noise coming from downstairs that everyone was yet again crowded around the kitchen table about to eat. I wasn't hungry and hadn't left my room since the night before. But I did want to get out and stretch my legs...maybe walk on the beach! That's one thing about where we grew up...the beach was our backyard! So I wouldn't have to go far!

I stood from my bed and looked myself over in my body mirror that used to hold pictures of me and all my friends! Now it only held a Army bumper sticker that I was trying to figure out how to get off! I was wearing a blue jean skirt that showed off my legs, something I would've hated wearing back in the day! My Korn long sleeve shirt fell just below my belly button, showing off some of my toned stomach. My hair hung down loosely, flowing freely down my back and around my shoulders. I didn't have any major make-up on, just some eye liner applied lightly so my blue eyes would stand out more. I felt this was good enough to just walk down onto the beach in.

I looked down at my flip flops and decided that I wasn't gonna put them on. There was no need really! I wanted to feel the sand beneath my feet.

I sighed and opened my bedroom door and walked out, closing it gently. I crossed my arms loosely over my stomach and smiled as I heard laughing and conversation coming from downstairs. Even though a small pang of jealously hit me…I brushed it off. I took a deep breath and slowly descended the steps, hoping I wouldn't be noticed and that their conversation would continue!

"Hey Mems!" Jimmy replied causing the conversation to die down and all eyes to be turned on me.

I looked toward the kitchen after taking the last step and just stared at them. They where eating one of mom's home cooked meals and looked very cozy. Everyone was there, including Brian's little sister McKenna who sat beside him with a big smile.

"Hey Jimmy" I replied blankly as a walked slowly into the kitchen. Recieving stares from my dad, Matt, Travis and Brian knowing they didn't like the fact I was showing off my legs in a skirt.

"Hi Memphis" McKenna replied from her spot beside Brian.

"Well hello their beautiful" I replied, a smile now forming on my lips. "You look so grown up!"

"I'm only 8 Mems!" she replied with a big smile.

"Are you sure, cause you could easily pass for 12 or 13!" I replied with a chuckle as I walked around the table. I kneeled down beside her and hugged her small frame. When we separated I kissed her forehead lightly causing her to smile.

"You smell nice" she replied.

"Thank you sweetheart. So…you got a boyfriend yet?" I asked with a smile that caused her to blush.

"No…Daddy says I'm too young and Brian and Brent say they'll murder any little boy that looks at me the wrong way!" she replied causing the guys to chuckle.

"You got that right toots!" Brian replied from beside her.

"I think I believe 'em girly girl!" I replied as I tapped her nose with my finger and stood.

"Are you hungry?" mom asked looking at me with a small smile.

"No...I'll pass thank you!" I replied not looking at her. "It was nice seeing you McKenna."

With that said I walked out the patio doors and started toward the beach. I placed my hands in the small pockets on the front of my skirt as I walked, my feet now in the sand. I loved the feeling. I looked out at the waves as I walked toward a perfect spot to sit and think. I stopped just a couple steps away from the water and sat, making sure the skirt was covering what needed to be covered.

I sat there as thoughts continued running through my mind. I just watched the waves. Letting my every problem fade into the waves as they crashed onto the shore. Every feeling toward the Army, my coming back home, my fight with Andrew on the phone, what Lyndsey had told me...faded into the waves.

I did love Brian with all of my heart and I could feel it! The problem was I knew he was hurt and feeling betrayed yet again because while I was in the Army I had married. But I thought since he was all big and famous he would have moved on years ago! Married a porn star and called it a year!

But what bothered me the most was the fact that he hadn't done that! He still loved me and wanted to be with me! It killed me to know that when I left for the Army Brian had tried to kill himself. He hadn't tried suicide but in so many words that's what it was like! He was drinking himself to death and that hurt me. Why hadn't he said anything to me before about how much he loved me and how he didn't want me to leave? I would've talked to my recruiter and had him help me get out of going!

I was ripped out of my thoughts when two figures ploped down on either side of me. I looked to my right to see Lyndsey smiling and then to my left to see Corie with a small smirk. I sighed and looked back out at the ocean trying to figure out what I was gonna hear from them now.

"Did you forget how to talk these past few days?" Corie asked breaking the silence.

"No but everyone else did" I replied never looking away from the waves.

"Everyone has just tried to let things sink in!" Lyndsey tried to say in a friendly way.

"The fact that I'm married has to sink into everyone? I got married big fucking deal!" I pointed out and looked down at my hands.

"The big damn deal is the fact that you never let anyone know! Matt would've understood even though he is hot headed sometimes he would've gotten over it better! And poor Brian...I don't know if he'll ever be the same!" Lyndsey shot out.

This caught both Corie and me off guard because she stared at Lyndsey just as I did. I wanted so bad to put this girl in her place! But something deep down inside me let me know that she was right. I should've at least wrote home and let everyone know what was goin on! But thinking I would never have too...I just kept it a secret. Even from Corie who was my best friend! I knew she was probably hurting more than anyone right now.

"Why didn't you tell me Mems?" Corie asked causing me to turn my attention to her.

"Because I knew Brian and your relationship was kinda like his relationship with the guys! If I would've told you right when I was gonna marry Andrew...you would've blown up on me.
Corie...I love you and I didn't wanna loose you because of my stupidity!" I replied before looking away.

"Wait...did you just say stupidity?" Corie asked.

"Yea" I answered.

"What do you mean by stupidity Memphis?" Lyndsey asked.

"I mean...I still love Brian!" I replied looking at her.

"Really?"

I jumped and looked over my shoulder to see Brian standing there. My heart was beating 1,000 miles an hour and I knew my eyes where wide. Matt stood a little ways behind Brian with Zacky beside him watching on. I took a deep breath and continued looking at him.

"W-what?" I stumbled.

"Is it true? What you just said?" Brian asked again.

I looked in his eyes that I loved to get lost in while we where together. I couldn't lie. I knew it was true...everyone needed to as well. But what would happen after my confession?

"Yes Brian...it's true!" I replied.

"Then...why-" he began but I cut him off.

"Do you love me Brian?" I asked bluntly, wanting to get to the point.

"I've always loved you Memphis!" he replied honestly.

"I've always loved you too!" I replied with small smile, which caused Brian to smile too.

"AWW" Lyndsey and Corie replied together.

"So...what now?" Brian asked stepping closer to me.

"Well..." and as I was about to finish something caught my eye which shocked me. "Andrew?"

Indeed it was my husband walking onto the sand toward me. All the guys had put there attention to him and didn't looked pleased.

"This assholes mine!" Brian replied and turned toward him.

Oh shit!