Breathing Slowly Never Worked For Me

When I heard the door to the building swing closed, I raced upstairs. My bag was still by the door where I’d dropped it, its contents spilling across the floor. I growled in frustration and kneeled down, throwing things back into my bag before I unlocked the front door and stormed inside. Ronnie was pacing about the apartment, still angry. “What did you do?” I snapped, throwing my bag onto the kitchen counter.

“What did I do?” he asked, pointing to himself. I nodded. “Oh, fuck off, Lindsey. You don’t know the half of it.”

“Then tell me,” I urged, placing my hands firmly on my hips, “Tell me what happened.” Ronnie shook his head.

“I don’t have to explain shit to you.” I crossed my arms tightly over my chest.

“Why are you getting so defensive?” I asked.

“Because you’re on their side!” he barked, pointing in the direction of the door that I had left open. An old woman with a fox fur wrapped around her shoulders was hobbling down the stairs from apartment above ours. I blushed as she gave us a disapproving look and continued down the stairs. I was quick to close the door and lower my voice.

“I’m not on anyone’s side, Ronnie,” I told him, tired of arguing.

“Then why are you always sti-.” I held up my hand to quiet him and shook my head.

“Enough. It’s over. I’m too tired to fight it out with you tonight,” I sighed and went to our bedroom. Ronnie didn’t dare follow me. I flopped down on our bed without evening changing my work clothes and eventually, even with the sounds of sirens blaring through the window, I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, Ronnie was gone.

It was a Friday and, with both Magdalena and Ruth working in the clinic, I had the day off. I woke up at eight and Ronnie still wasn’t home. I tried calling him but he wouldn’t answer his phone. Usually, whenever I’d have a day off, we’d spend it together and with Ronnie gone I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat on the sofa for a moment, trying to determine whether or not I wanted to watch television when I caught a glimpse of the ceiling to floor windows that ran along one side of our apartment, looking out over the city. The corners of each windowpane where grimy and one was cracked. I continued to stare until I got up off the sofa and went to the kitchen. I found a bucket and filled it with warm, soapy water and grabbed a washcloth. It took me an hour to clean the windows. After I finished, I swept, mopped and polished the floors, did the dishes and cleaned out the refrigerator. I made our bed for the first time, maybe since we’d moved in, and tidied the bathroom. When I’d finally finished I went to the refrigerator and searched for something to eat. I hadn’t been grocery shopping in weeks and decided, when I didn’t find anything edible, that I needed to go. I was putting my jacket on when I opened the door.

“Christ,” I exclaimed when Max almost fell through the open door, “What are you doing here?” Max quickly regained his balance and flicked his hair out of his eyes.

“Uh, is Ronnie here?” he asked peering around me into the apartment.

“No,” I replied bluntly, though Max continued to try and see past me, “You can come in and check if you want.”

“Oh, um, no,” Max said, scuffing his feet on our worn welcome mat suddenly embarrassed, “No, it’s fine.” I smirked at him as I pulled my hair out of my collar. “Going somewhere?” he asked.

“Yes.” Max nodded slowly.

“Listen, Lindsey,” he said, pushing past me into the apartment, “I’m coming in. Can I come in?”

“Um, sure,” I replied.

“I’m really sorry. You were right, it’s none of my business,” Max explained, “I was just so angry with him and I let if get to me and I shouldn’t have. You’re more important to me than all of that an-.”

“Did you drive over here?” I asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“You don’t happen to need to go grocery shopping, do you?” I said, smiling. Max pretended to think it over before replying.

“Sure.”

“Great. Let me just grab my bag,” I told him. Max shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked the apartment over.

“Why does it smell like disinfectant in here?”

“What about this?” Max asked holding up a box of cereal.

“I’m not buying that,” I laughed as I took it from him and put it back on the shelf.

“Why not? You used to buy this stuff all the time when we lived together,” he insisted.

“And it would never get eaten! I think I left three boxes of it in the cupboard when I moved out.” Max nodded, laughing as we continued along the aisle.

“Well, what else do you need?” he asked and took the shopping list from me, looking it over.

“I need milk and some butter and I think we’re finished,” I replied. I’d worked out my budget down to the last cent and, so far, I was ten dollars under.

“Well, milk’s down this aisle,” Max said, pointing to the left, “And so is the butter.”

“Easy.”

We finished the shopping and returned to the apartment, struggling up the stairs with the brown paper bags.

“Christ, that woman looked like she murdered her cat to wear it around her neck,” Max mumbled when our neighbor from upstairs finally passed us on the star.

“Don’t make me laugh, I’m going to drop this,” I warned Max, shifting the weight of some of the bags onto my hip as I finally reached the landing mine and Ronnie’s apartment was on. I juggled the bags and my keys as I unlocked the doors and set the bags on the counter. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked Max as he followed me in and I began to unpack the bags into the refrigerator and cupboards.

“No, I’m fine,” he replied, sitting on the countertop and watching me as I went about the kitchen, “I should actually get going.”

“Really?” I said, not wanting him to leave.

“Yeah, but we should get dinner together sometime.” I nodded quickly at the suggestion.

“Definitely,” I replied as Max hugged me goodbye.

“Take care of yourself,” he said, pointing an accusing finger at me until it brushed against the tip of my nose.

“You too,” I told him, “Thanks for coming with me today.”

“Anytime,” he mumbled as I hugged him again. And despite how badly I wanted to ask him to stay, eventually Max walked through my apartment door and disappeared.