This Is My Happy Ending

The next morning I woke up early, and immediately went to take a shower, my head pounding from my fit. I glared angrily at my reflection, seeing the way my long dark hair was plastered to my face and neck, my dark eyes staring back at me, filled with hate and pain. I turned away with a grimace and started toweling myself dry, and hung the towel up. I walked to my room and quickly dressed in jeans and a yellow shirt, slipping my feet into a pair of white flip-flops.

I blow dried my hair, letting it fall in shining waves down my back and applied only a dusting of make up. I grabbed the suitcase and carefully carried it downstairs and to my car, putting it in the boot. I walked back up to the house and took the snacks from the fridge, putting it in a cooler bag, and took the flowers, setting them carefully on the passenger seat. I drove to Katie’s house as we had arranged, and rang the doorbell, waiting impatiently for her to open the door.

“Shell, come on in. I see the weather is looking absolutely horrific.” Katie said when she opened the door.

“Yeah, I noticed. The stuff is still in my car.” I said after looking up at the sky.

Dark, angry-looking clouds were gathering, and in the distance there were a few thunderclaps. I shrugged as we walked out to my car and began carrying the stuff into the house, setting everything carefully down in the living room.

“That should be the rest of the girls.” Katie said as we heard a car drive up.

After a few minutes the doorbell rang, and Katie went to let Amber, Chelsea and Irena in, ushering them into the living room.

“Hey guys.” I greeted, going to give all of them a hug.

Amber and Irena were huge, and it looked very uncomfortable, but both their eyes were shining, and I felt a pang of jealousy.

“Mmm, it looks delicious.” Amber said, looking at the snacks and licking her lips slightly.

I giggled and we all sat down on the floor around the table. Katie, Chelsea and I started handing them their presents, and I watched as they squealed over the small pieces of clothing. I quickly excused myself and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind me and leaning against it. I began to cry silently, and wiped the tears away angrily, despising myself for being so disgustingly weak.

“Shell? Are you okay?” I heard Amber’s voice come through the door.

“Uhm, yeah I’m fine. I’ll be out in a sec.” I said, quickly gulping down my tears.

“Okay.” She said, sounding unsure.

I sighed softly and walked over to the basin, and stood staring at myself for a full minute. I tried to read the emotions in my eyes, but they were too jumbled and confusing. Nothing made sense anymore, especially not the fact that I still loved Gerard with my whole being, even after everything he put me through. I couldn’t help but wonder if we would still have been together if Lyn-Z hadn’t come back. That’s when everything started changing.

I could picture me and Gerard as a family, with our own small children running around in the backyard, and a big family dog chasing them, and me and Gee standing with our arms around each other, gazing lovingly at them, and me with a new baby on the way. I gasped as the pain became unbearable, and shook, the tears streaming freely down my face.

“Shell?” This time it was Chelsea.

“I said I’m coming.” I said, quickly opening the tap and washing my face.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that I had just had another breakdown, but there wasn’t really anything I could do about that. They knew me better than to ask out before I said anything anyway. I unlocked the door and walked back to the living room, plastering a fake smile on my face. They were all talking quietly, but stopped immediately when I walked into the room. I could tell by their faces that they had been talking about me, but I acted as if I hadn’t noticed anything, and sat down, taking a small jam tart and taking a bite.

“So, what did I miss?” I asked after the silence just kept getting more awkward.

“Nothing really. We were just helping them pick names, or more, suggesting. Frankie and Ray would like to go through a few names as well, and won’t be very happy if they found out that they picked the names already.” Kate said quickly.

“Oh.” I said awkwardly, feeling the jam tart rising in my throat.

I gulped it back down quickly, and stared down at my hands that were folded in my lap, turning white from my squeezing too hard.

“Shell, we want to have a small get-together in two nights, if you want to come. You still haven’t met the twins.” Amber said quietly, grinning slightly.

“Okay, I’ll be there.” I said with a slight smile.

The party feeling had disappeared the moment I went to the bathroom, and instead there was still an uncomfortable silence in the room. I stood up calmly, plastering another smile on my face.

“Well, I think I’m off. I’ll see you again then in two days. Bye.” I said hurriedly, grabbing my jacket and walking quickly out of the room.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I got in my car. It was just way too uncomfortable in there, I wouldn’t have been able to take it anymore. I sped off, driving recklessly back to my home, the tires squealing the whole way. I felt a rebellious feeling rising in me, but pushed it back down quickly. Things weren’t ever going to be the same again. They all had things I wanted desperately. And I knew I wanted it with Gerard, but I couldn’t go back to him. At least, not yet. Not before I had cleared my mind and had prepared myself.

“How was the party?” Gerard asked the moment I walked in the front door.

I gave him a look that clearly said ‘Leave me the hell alone’, and walked to my room. I heard his footsteps behind me, and sighed under my breath, wondering suddenly where Goldie had disappeared to. I stopped at the doorway of my room, glaring down at the pieces of my broken door, and whirled around when I felt Gerard’s hand on my arm.

“What do you want?” I hissed, glaring at him.

“You know exactly what I want. Can’t we at least be civil towards each other until you leave for New York?” he pleaded, making puppy dog eyes.

I sighed loudly, letting my breath whoosh out of my mouth, and turned my head away, contemplating what he asked.

“Fine. But you will not touch me under any circumstances, not even when I am about to fall flat on my face at the top of the stairs, do you understand me?” I asked acidly.

“Yes.” He said softly, his beautiful voice filled with pain.

“Good. Now let go of my arm.” I said, making my voice a bit warmer.

He let go of my arm reluctantly, and walked away, his shoulders sagging. I felt a rush of guilt, but pressed it away, and went into my bathroom to change into shorts and a comfortable T-shirt. I took a flashlight and started walking slowly towards the attic, trying to ignore the thunder that sounded like it was only meters away from me.

I stood stock-still at the foot of the stairs that led up to the attic, my breathing hitching slightly as I looked up at the darkness. I decided that now was a good time to turn on my flashlight, and did so, lighting everywhere before taking the first step. The floorboards creaked ominously as another thunder clapped, making me shriek softly. I grinded my teeth and walked further up, my breathing come out in quick gasps. Before the nightmares I had never been afraid of the attic, even when Kevin had told me horrible ghost stories of them. But maybe that’s because my dreams had been in so much detail, and I had literally felt the cold wind, and the things sweeping over me.

I finally reached the last step, and took another deep breath before slowly and hesitatingly putting my hand out to open the door. I opened the door, flinching when it squeaked loudly, and pushed it further open, lighting everywhere before finally walking in. I switched on the overhead light, and sighed when everything was flooded with light. I walked down to the other end of the attic, lighting in every room before passing them quickly.

Suddenly a loud thunder clap hit, making the entire room go black when the lights went out. I barely suppressed the scream, and groped around for the flashlight’s switch. I had just turned it on when I heard footsteps near me, and the whispering of fabric. I searched around frantically, my heart beating uncontrollably. Suddenly the flashlight went off, and something smacked it out of my hand. This time I did scream, and loudly. I started running, but the sudden darkness had disorientated me, and I ran smack into a wall, stumbling backwards and ignoring the blood trickling down my face.

“Shell?” I heard someone whisper my name, and something swept over me.

I screamed loudly until my throat hurt, and started running again, and ran into a wall again. I started falling backwards, but was caught in a pair of strong warm arms that clutched me tightly. I thrashed and screamed, trying to get loose, but to no avail. This was it. I was going to die.

“Shell! Relax, it’s me, Gee!” a very familiar voice said forcefully.

I slowly stopped thrashing, until I felt something icy sweep over me, and then I started screaming again.

“Shell, shut the hell up!” Gerard said, clamping a hand over my mouth.

I could feel him moving, and thought for a moment that he was going to leave me here, but then I felt his arms beneath my legs and he picked me up, and started carrying me back downstairs. I was shaking uncontrollably, clutching at his shirt while the tears streamed down my face, mixing with the blood. He carried me to his room, holding me tightly to his chest. I could hear his heart pounding loudly as I rested my head against him, and breathed in the familiar scent.

‘Don’t do this, it will only cause you pain later on.’ My subconscious reprimanded me.

‘I don’t care. Maybe I deserve to feel loved for a while, even if it is only to go back to how it was a while ago.’ I argued, ignoring the arguments.

I could feel the blackness start eating away at my mind, eager for unconsciousness, and I slowly started giving in, my body relaxing. But every now and then I would get flashes of my nightmares, and I would shake for a few seconds.

“Shell?” Gerard asked, his voice seeming to come from faraway.

I opened my eyes carefully, and saw him standing over me, his face worried and pale, his shirt covered in my blood. My eyes widened as I stared at him, and he looked down, seeming self-conscious.

“Oh.” He said, understanding dawning on his face.

He quickly pulled off his shirt, and stood there only in his tight jeans. I quickly averted my eyes, and tried to get the mental picture out of my mind. I had forgotten how completely hot his body was. I could feel the blush creeping into my cheeks, and grinded my teeth when I heard his soft chuckle. I closed my eyes, and felt the bed sag from his weight a few seconds later. My eyes flew open in shock, but he was only sitting cross-legged next to me, his face suddenly serious.

“What were you doing up in the attic, Shell?” he asked after a few moments of silence.

“I – I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t scared anymore. That I didn’t believe that Kyle’s ghost was up there, ready to get his revenge. It’s my fault he killed himself. I shouldn’t – I shouldn’t –“ I started sobbing hysterically, everything finally sinking in.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. Everything is okay.” Gerard said softly, pulling me into his arms and rocking me gently.

I put my arms around his waist, trying to ignore the tingling feeling from his naked skin touching mine, and hugged him tightly, feeling comforted. I could feel him tensing beneath my touch, but pushed it out of my thoughts, and just tried to relax, because I was sure that this would be the last time we could hold each other like this. The thought hurt me more than I liked to admit, and before I could stop myself, I pulled his head down and kissed him, putting all my loneliness and hurt into the kiss.

He didn’t hesitate to respond, and immediately pulled me tighter to his overly hot skin, his fingers leaving burning trails behind them as they explored my arms and face and neck. My hands tangled in his hair as we fell backwards on the bed, with him lying on top of me, and he deepened the kiss. I knew what was going to follow, and for some absurd reason I didn’t want to stop him, even though I knew that nothing was going to change afterwards, and that I was going to hurt even more.

“Gerard – “ I said, pulling my head away from his mouth.

“Hmm?” he asked distractedly, moving to my neck.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked hesitantly.

He stopped and pulled back, looking deeply into my eyes. I stared straight back at him, trying my best not to show my overwhelming love for him.

“Yes. I’m one hundred percent sure. Are you?” he asked softly, the pain already filtering into his beautiful voice.

“I’m sure but – it’s not going to change anything. I’m still going to Kevin’s in a month.” I said quietly, not meeting his eyes.

He gently tilted my head so that I looked at him, and I blinked away the sudden tears. He smiled softly, and kissed me, his lips caressing.

“I know. But I can hope, right? Let’s just be together now. And forget about the past and the future.” He suggested quietly.

I nodded and pulled his head back to me, crashing my lips furiously onto his. My hands made circles on his back, and I reveled in the goose bumps it made. His own hands were sliding up and down my sides, going under my shirt and caressing my hips. He deepened the kiss again, and I knew that there was no turning back now.

“Shell, I really love you. With all my life.” Gerard whispered as we lay in each other’s arms.

I gazed up at him through my lashes, a slight smile on my face. If only he knew how much I loved him, and always had. I traced my finger along his jaw line, watching as his eyes closed at my touch. I traced my thumb softly against his bottom lip, and he suddenly pulled me to him, kissing me roughly.

“Why are you doing this to me? To us?” he asked hoarsely after he pulled away, breathing hard and resting his forehead against mine.

“I don’t know. I love you, but I’m too scared to let go. I’m too scared of everything.” I admitted in a low whisper, snuggling against him and listening to his heart beat speed up.