Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The waltz finished and for once there wasn’t anyone waiting eagerly on the sidelines. Unfortunately, we stopped dancing just by the pillar James was leaning against. The brunette had gone, and, making eye-contact, I felt obliged to talk to him.

“Hi,” I choked out, once Francis had weaved away.

“Hey,” he said back, his voice soft, calm, everything mine attempted to be but wasn’t.

Awkward silence ensued.

Francis wound back towards me with a champagne flute of apple juice.

“Oh, thank you,” I mumbled.

I gulped it down to avoid further conversation. James raised one eyebrow as he looked at Francis. I suddenly realised he probably saw a male version of me.

Talk about narcissistic pairings…

I swallowed the last of the apple juice, unable to prolong the silence any longer – Francis didn’t know James, and James didn’t know Francis, so they couldn’t really fill it themselves.

“Um, James this is Francis, Francis – James,” I garbled.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Francis said, offering a hand to shake.

James looked at it for a moment, then stopped leaning to shake it.

“You too,” he nodded coolly.

A waiter came past, and I took the opportunity to hand back my glass.

Feeling the need to say something, no matter how cheesy…

“Do you come here often?” I blurted out, realising seconds later that that made no sense whatsoever.

Despite himself, James snorted.

“Excuse me,” he said, after a moment, and then walked off.

“Oh god…” I moaned under my breath.

“You guys still awkward then?” Francis asked.

“You noticed?” I replied, sarcastic.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

I do mind, so shove off.

“Conflict of interests,” I replied automatically, the answer I’d given the persistent press the past few weeks.

Francis nodded, “The king-thing got to him, right?”

“Yeah.”

The Earl of Mortmar appeared to our left, the Earl of Lorent to our right. Francis saw my panicked gaze and gallantly offered me his hand.

“Perhaps you’d rather I stepped on your toes?” he asked.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

We stepped back onto the floor, and each others toes, seconds before the Earls met each other in the middle.

Dance with each other if you’re that desperate…

The dancing had just wound to a close when I heard James’ footsteps coming towards Georgina, Francis and I. I looked up and saw him with the brunette from earlier. She was even prettier than from a distance.

Damn her.

Language!

“Phil, would you like to dance?” James asked, after a moment.

My mind went into fully-fledged panic mode.

“No,” I blurted, then, “Sorry, I’m afraid I’m already engaged for this next one.”

Never tell lies, never tell lies…

“Oh… maybe the next?” he asked.

I avoided answering, instead looking pointedly at the brunette.

“Ah, er, this is Cecilia, by the way. My-”

“Pleasure to meet you,” I nodded, averting the word I was sure would follow, “This is Francis and Georgina – their father is Lord Stephens.”

A chorus of ‘pleasure to meet you’ ensued.

The music from the orchestra struck up for another waltz and James looked around pointedly for my partner. In panic, I stepped on Francis’ foot. He looked at me confused. I jabbed my head at the orchestra.

“Oh, er, shall we?” he asked.

I pushed a smile onto my face.

The waltz ended far too fast, and I could see James leaning against another pillar where we’d left him, Georgina and Cecilia talking animatedly. Francis made to go back to Georgina. And Cecilia. I didn’t think I could take talking to someone who had replaced me… Panicking again, I excused myself and began to walk towards the corridor which led to the patio. Out of the corner of my eye I saw James stop leaning, a glimmer of something crossing his face.

The only thing in my head was escape.

A quick look around the patio informed me that this wasn’t the best place to have a mental breakdown, so I headed fast towards the rose garden, which thankfully had a code on the one side of the gate. Stupid tears began to prick my eyes before I’d moved through half the people on the patio. Attempting to swallow, I put my head down and power walked to the gate. Seconds later, in the familiar peace of the garden, I realised this wasn’t the best place to come when annoyed with James. I froze in the sight of our favourite kissing spot. Conflicting emotions cut into my chest and I began to cry without a sound.

“Phil?”

Oh, no, god not now.

My semi-healed heart suffered a slight tremble.

“Phil?” James repeated.

Nothing. I couldn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything to say. Maybe there was, but it would come out in a strange mix of screaming, moaning, jumbled sound, not actual words…

A hand brushed my shoulder, almost asking permission to be there.

I didn’t move, and it settled, comforting, on my arm. I closed my eyes, wanted it to just stay there forever; warm, human… an acknowledgement of my existence.

“You looked gorgeous tonight,” he said after a moment.

“Is this it?” James asked, bitter, “Are you just going to ignore me for the rest of our lives?”

I wanted so much to reach up and take his hand… but it wasn’t in me. All I could do was stand, mute and paralysed.

“Rose, please?” James whispered, wrapping his arms around me from behind, his lips resting against my ear, breath caressing the skin. The crushed pieces of my heart gave a slight twitch at the nickname. I felt my paralysis melt and I began to turn round.

“Meredith, you can’t just leave me like that! I have to make sure you’re-” Jade stopped, “Oops…”

“I’d better go,” James said.

My heart twisted again. Someone other than myself decided to take control of my mouth.

“Yeah, get back to Cecilia…” I muttered.

James only looked at me oddly for a moment, before disappearing back into the light of the patio. Jade backed away as James walked past her, a look of guilty shame on her face as she looked back at me.

“You alright?” she asked.

“Yeah…” I muttered.

Oh god, what have I done?

* * *

That night I made a vow.

I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me anymore.

From the minute it left my lips, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it. But it lingered in the air, filling me with a bitter sense of empowerment for a few moments before I fell asleep.