Trying and Failing.

Dear Ana,

I’ve given up, your goals and mile marks are impossible; no, you’re impossible. I can’t stand you anymore. Yes, I understand you only want what is best for me, I get it but I just can’t, I can’t do it. I realized today that instead of helping me towards my goal you are only hindering me; therefore this is goodbye, forever.

I thought by losing weight I was getting closer to heaven, getting closer to being weightless but that’s not it, by losing weight I’m making myself miserable when I could already be in heaven, if they take me, but that is something I’ll have to figure out once I get there.

But, Ana, I would like to thank you; no matter how much you don’t deserve it. Thank you for being with me when no one else would. Thank you for holding me when I hit rock bottom. Thank you for dealing with my disgusting face and body when no one else could bear to look at me. Thank you for caring when no one else could. Thank you, for being my only outlet, for listening, for curling up with me at night, and for warming me when I shivered. Thank you for comforting me when I cried and when I didn’t.
Thank you, Ana, thank you with all of my heart. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done. You’re the only one who doesn’t cry when they hug me, the only one who can look me in the eye. Most of all though, thank you for being true. Thank you.

But, no matter how much that all means, or how deeply I love you I still must say goodbye. Can you believe it? I’m going to live with the angels! Who could pass that up?

I bet you’re wondering where this is all coming from, aren’t you? Well, last night I finally slept, I finally was able to just shut my eyes and let the drowsiness take me. When I awoke I realized I had a dream, a true uninterrupted dream, it’s been a while since I’ve had one of those hasn’t it?

Well, in that dream I was flying, I know, I know, it’s happened before but this was so much different. This was real! I swear it was real! I was flying through the clouds, watching others pass me by and they smiled, they all smiled. They were welcoming and caring; I could see it in their eyes. The best part? At the end of my journey, I landed on a cloud where a tall, young man stood. He opened his arms to me, greeting me with another welcoming smile. He smothered me in his embrace and when he let go, I looked him straight in the eye, and he looked back. It was then that I realized it was Jesus, he looked nothing like they make him out to be, but when you are standing there in front of him, it’s unmistakable to notice.

His lips parted and a milky voice told me I was alright, that everything would be okay, and I smiled. I smiled, Ana! I haven’t smiled in so long! I swear it was a miracle; it even brought tears to my eyes, oh! That’s another thing, it turns out angels do cry, they all do, they have sadness too, no matter how much we all doubt it, they hurt sometimes too.

Anyway, when I brought my head up again; my dad stood beside Jesus, wearing one of his amazing smiles. He held out his hands, and in it? My teddy bear, the one he got me the night he died. I took it and hugged it, I couldn’t help myself; I was so happy!

So, Ana, I’ve taken this all as a sign that it is my time to go. People don’t have dreams like that, at least, nothing quite as real as that.

Ana, I thought I should write you this because you are such an important person in my life, you should feel special; no one else is getting one, not even my mom. They won’t understand like you do. You will understand won’t you?

Lastly Ana, I have to ask you, let me go this time? Just this once? I need to be free; I need to fly with the angels. Ana, please let me fly. Let me spread my wings, and leave this horrible world. I’m begging you Ana, please, please let me be an angel. I’m afraid this is my only chance, and I have to take it, for myself.
Let me fly.

Love,
Your angel; Katherine.

Katherine’s mother found the letter in her room as she cleared it out, readying for someone else to move in. It brought tears to her eyes, but she wouldn’t let it break her. She had cried too much since the funeral and she couldn’t stand to do it anymore. She was thankful that Katherine had seen it coming, that she was ready. It fit her well that this was the way she went, and not any other.

Katherine had always been the peaceful type, she never demanded attention or indulged in drama. As a matter of fact the only typical teenage thing she did was wallow in a bad day here or there, at least that was how LeAnn saw it until she stumbled upon Katherine’s journal.

Dec. 29, 2007

He said I was beautiful, he said he loved me and he held me while I cried.
He said he loved me.
I didn’t believe him, I couldn’t, and I can’t. No one could ever possibly love someone as repulsive as me, especially not someone as perfect as him.
The worst thing? This is the only thing I’ve really wanted since my dad died, now that it’s here, I can’t accept it.
I can’t believe it. I’ll let it pass me by; I don’t deserve it.

Things were beginning to work out her way, she found love, she found a job, and she even found hope for a short stretch of time. But she let it pass her by, like she always has. The best things passed by her swiftly, leaving her to sulk in her own misery; misery created only by herself.
And she didn’t care, because she couldn’t believe anything was real. It was all just a dream, a movie in which she starred.
It wasn’t her life.
No, it wasn’t any life at all.
Death was the only answer, the only hope.
It was the right thing, the only thing. Besides, a movie with a happy ending just wasn’t her style, and this was her movie, her pride and joy.
But she couldn’t believe in it.