June 21st, 2015 at 09:21am
Oh love, I totally and completely understand where you're coming from. It does get better. But only if you work on stopping that guilt and regret you feel.
I lost my dad when I was 14. He was a dead-beat most of the time and he ignored his health problems even though he knew not taking care of himself could go bad. He did drugs, and was terrible sometimes. The last time I talked to him he had been living out of state and was saying he had to go because it was Christmas and his friend/girlfriend of like a month/two weeks and her kid were ready to go. I didn't even tell him I loved him. To this day I still cry about it. But I've learned to not feel guilty over it.
Saying those words would not have made the situation any different or made the pain any less hard. It's so hard to realize that, but it does help ease the pain. If you are really hurting today, take a walk, visit his grave/place of spread ashes if you can, do some self care with a nice shower and a facial at home, read a book or some poetry, take a break from the internet, tell any men in your life (grandfather, close friends' parent) if you have them that you are happy to, tell your mum you love her and you're so grateful to have her.
If you want to talk you can message me or even text me if you'd like. It gets better.
I can't exactly relate to you, but I know the jealous feeling of seeing Fathers Day posts. My day left when I was young and I haven't see him since. I know it's hard, but it will get better. Even though people always say that it does happen.
If you need someone to talk to I'm here as well. I know I can't completely relate to your situation, but I am here.