If it's any consolation I've been feeling more or less the exact same way lately.
This is long, I apologise, but please consider hearing me out.
I've been wanting out too but then, as if to spite or simply remind me, something reminds me of why I can't...a kind gesture, kind words, a good book or movie, my favourite music; that lush feeling of blasting music at high volume along a quiet motorway when all I want to do is cry and, yes, think about how simply I could end it all if I just crashed my car...but then responsibilities, which I often hate, coming crawling to mind - this car was bought by my parents. I have no right to trash their property.
My parents. I try to set myself loose from under their wings because I feel like a burden but like a yoyo it doesn't take long before I come bouncing back to their safety and love.
At a time when I carelessly expressed to mum, thinking nothing mattered any more because I was so ready to go, that I didn't want to burden her, the response I got was surprising. She revealed something I'd never before known about her; it was like a whole chapter of her life before me opened up. All this time I'd been thinking she was better off without me, but she had suffered from depression for many years before having me.
I wanted to share this with you not for sympathy, no, because so many people suffer at different degrees and for a range of reasons, but to try to show you that even in our darkest, dullest times if you keep trying to see despite there being no or little light to see with, you might be surprised how you notice little things (or big things) that really matter to you and reason why you can't leave. Don't feel weak or unsuccessful for not being able to end it all - feel strong because you're still here. You're still here to be surprised in the best ways possible as well as the worst which you may feel you're going through right now.
Be your own soldier: wave the white flag if you wish but know that waving the white flag can still mean that life goes on, and sometimes it means that you're stuck and don't know how to progress without seeking help and change. What will save you? It might be a loved one or even a stranger, it might be a break away as you admit yourself to a foreign country just for a while to try to spark interest in many things never seen before, or it might be a change of job. Know that it's OK to fall down and rise up the ladder of your life; funny as it seems this is progression - even if it's a fall you're still moving.
The best part is that, despite being a soldier, you are a soldier for yourself: the choice is yours. Don't worry about making mistakes; go with what you want and dare yourself to see how it works out because is it not better to be daring and taste areas of the world and your life which you have not instead of abruptly ending your story before it's barely begun?
Good luck to you. You're strong but, in a similar yet unique way to a soldier, you've been strong for too long; holding back under the surface, and might benefit from a break from the painfully dull norm.
Thanks so much for reading and please know I'm always up for a chat (especially when it comes to reading).
This is long, I apologise, but please consider hearing me out.
I've been wanting out too but then, as if to spite or simply remind me, something reminds me of why I can't...a kind gesture, kind words, a good book or movie, my favourite music; that lush feeling of blasting music at high volume along a quiet motorway when all I want to do is cry and, yes, think about how simply I could end it all if I just crashed my car...but then responsibilities, which I often hate, coming crawling to mind - this car was bought by my parents. I have no right to trash their property.
My parents. I try to set myself loose from under their wings because I feel like a burden but like a yoyo it doesn't take long before I come bouncing back to their safety and love.
At a time when I carelessly expressed to mum, thinking nothing mattered any more because I was so ready to go, that I didn't want to burden her, the response I got was surprising.
She revealed something I'd never before known about her; it was like a whole chapter of her life before me opened up.
All this time I'd been thinking she was better off without me, but she had suffered from depression for many years before having me.
I wanted to share this with you not for sympathy, no, because so many people suffer at different degrees and for a range of reasons, but to try to show you that even in our darkest, dullest times if you keep trying to see despite there being no or little light to see with, you might be surprised how you notice little things (or big things) that really matter to you and reason why you can't leave.
Don't feel weak or unsuccessful for not being able to end it all - feel strong because you're still here.
You're still here to be surprised in the best ways possible as well as the worst which you may feel you're going through right now.
Be your own soldier: wave the white flag if you wish but know that waving the white flag can still mean that life goes on, and sometimes it means that you're stuck and don't know how to progress without seeking help and change.
What will save you?
It might be a loved one or even a stranger, it might be a break away as you admit yourself to a foreign country just for a while to try to spark interest in many things never seen before, or it might be a change of job.
Know that it's OK to fall down and rise up the ladder of your life; funny as it seems this is progression - even if it's a fall you're still moving.
The best part is that, despite being a soldier, you are a soldier for yourself: the choice is yours. Don't worry about making mistakes; go with what you want and dare yourself to see how it works out because is it not better to be daring and taste areas of the world and your life which you have not instead of abruptly ending your story before it's barely begun?
Good luck to you. You're strong but, in a similar yet unique way to a soldier, you've been strong for too long; holding back under the surface, and might benefit from a break from the painfully dull norm.
Thanks so much for reading and please know I'm always up for a chat (especially when it comes to reading).