I Love My Mother, but She Doesn't Love Me // Little Advice? - Comments

@ sobre mi cadaver
Thank you, amor.

@ niklitera
That would be awesome! If you do decide to start one, let me know so I can follow.

@ sobre mi cadaver
I really thought on starting a youtube channel to talk about my issues. But I dont want it all to be about trans things. I kinda want to vent out on it and talk about stuff I think too much about. Politics, social, gender, sexuality, writing, literature, science... But I dont know if I should.

@ niklitera
I understand perfectly; es lo mismo en México. I left home at 23 (only 'cause I got married I moved out 6 months before my wedding and my parents were freaking out to the point of my mom almost disowning me and calling me "puta") but now my dad and brother are living with us since they are respectively working in the U.S. and going to school in the U.S. so I still struggle to be myself around them.

What I do that helps is keep in contact with people who know me and accept me. I talk regularly with friends (most of them who are not in my same state, but still helps), with my partner (really, jokes on my parents because they think we're both cis ), and participate on online communities that help me see that I'm not alone. If this helps, try doing them; it has helped me from exploding and coming out to them (I was close this year but opted not to when I heard my dad comment on "esas marimachas que se creen hombres" I just absolutely love how transphobic their comments can be /sarcasm).

However, it does get tiring pretending to be someone you're not in front of people who are supposed to love you and support you.

@ capax infiniti.
Yes. Yes, it grows back. And yes, I have tried, but as soon as I open my mouth she shakes her head and says she's not ready to talk about it.

@ sobre mi cadaver
Thank you. De verdad, muchísimas gracias, cielo. It made me feel better. The thing is, in Spain, we usually don't leave home until we're around 23, 24. Am I going to seriously have to wait six years in order to even start feeling myself? Being myself? That's what worries me, mainly, my mental health.

@ capax infiniti.
Yes. Yes, it grows back. And yes, I have tried, but as soon as I open my mouth she shakes her head and says she's not ready to talk about it.

@ sobre mi cadaver
Thank you. De verdad, muchísimas gracias, cielo. It made me feel better. The thing is, in Spain, we usually don't leave home until we're around 23, 24. Am I going to seriously have to wait six years in order to even start feeling myself? Being myself? That's what worries me, mainly, my mental health.

First of all, because after what you have gone through I think you need a reminder and you need to feel like yourself again: You are valid. Your identity, yourself, is valid and loved

About what your mother said to you, I had to counsel a mother once about her child being a transgender boy. I was very against it because the mother wanted validation about her son being wrong and her being right about being angry at him.

After talking to her and presenting the case to my professor and why I couldn't do it, he said "You have to treat it like loss and bereavement. The mother thinks she has lost a daughter and is mourning that loss. Because she is seeing it as a personal loss, she can't see that she never had a daughter in the first place; she had and still has a son who she can lose for not being able to get over the expectations she had of her child." Meaning that our parents already pictured the life they want us to have as the gender we were assigned at birth; the moment we challenge that narrative our parents think of it as completely lost and mourn that, which is awful because they are willing to lose us over some fantasies they made up when we weren't even born yet.

I know it is hard (hence why I'm not out yet to my parents; I'm terrified of it) but I think that for your own well being it is best to give her the space she wants; otherwise you would continue to be invalidated and she most likely would make your dysphoria worse by saying such awful things (in reference to "you have a cunt"). Stay close to those around you who love you, understand you, and validate you. Perhaps one day your mother will realize that she never had a daughter to lose, but because of her stubbornness she is risking losing her son.

I honestly hope that everything gets better, that your mother learns and understands of her mistakes, that you feel validated and loved by your family And lastly, in case that first sentence I wrote didn't stick through this: you are valid. Your identity, yourself, is valid and loved and whoever says otherwise has to fight me and every other transgender and non-binary person who has ever felt this way before

Maybe try educating her a bit more? When I came out to my mom, I left a bunch of links (I made a webpage because I was too scared to do it in person) on what being transgender is and about parents who are happy with their transgender children. Also, hair grows back.