Seeking Company for My Mental Illness - Comments

Telling people is really hard. My story is a bit different because my mom and I had a really volatile relationship and she basically refused to help me for years (even going as far to deny my depression when I was 15 and being escorted out of the doctor's office). But right around the time I turned 18, I had a huge break down and begged her to help me.

That was met with being called 'crazy', 'psycho', and being told that there was something really wrong with me. It was a horrible experience, but it got my mom to do something about me, even though she thought I was being a dramatic, fucked up teenager.

I started therapy. After my first session, my mom picked me up and asked "well?" and I told her that they diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and wanted to medicate me. She answered "oh shit".

It was the first time she really believed me. I was in therapy for less than a year and the whole time my mom thought I used it as a place to talk bad about her. But the thing is, you have to own your depression. No matter what people say. You have to trust yourself and know that owning up to it will make you feel better in the long run. Talking about it helps me in a way that medication didn't. My mom used to tell me that I was doing "so much better" when I was on medication, but it was like it was her placebo, not mine. So I quit. Despite her telling me how much worse I was without it.

You have to figure out what works for you, and right now, keeping this to yourself doesn't seem to be working all that well. I would suggest telling your parents first, if they're the supportive type of people, and then setting up a counseling appointment for multiple reasons. 1. You can talk to someone about everything. 2. You can try medication down the road. 3. It's someone that will validate everything you're feeling. There's a stigma about depression and it's hard for people to understand or believe that you're really fighting a disease, and your therapist will be the person to back you up.

It's a really dark hole and it's really hard to get out of. Personally, it's something I'm going to live with for the rest of my life, but I'm learning how to cope right now. But talking about it is the best coping mechanism. It makes you feel less alone and isolated. There's a whole world out there that understands what you're going through and you just have to connect to them. It'll help.

Your depression belongs to you. It's something that you deal with everyday and that's a huge success. Learning to own up to it and to accept it will help you maintain it and live with it.

If you want to talk about this, you can message me. I've been where you are, and I still am and always will be. But talking helps. Accepting and owning up to it helps. It's your disease, it's part of you, so you can't hide it away and expect it to disappear. It'll only get worse.

If you don't want to talk, I've blogged about my experiences a lot, so riffle through my blogs if you'd rather read about someone else than talk about yourself right now. But talk to someone eventually, when you're ready.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Being alone in depression is such a scary and dark place; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Obviously I am no professional so I can only speak from what I think and feel. With that said I agree with what Divided had said and think you need help. But I will add that seeking help will only help if you are ready. You sound like you are at a point where you see this is starting to consume you, but you also mentioned feelings of anxiety towards getting professional help--- I just want to say that's completely okay.
To you and anyone else in a similar situation as you I have to say thank you for opening up! It takes IMMENSE amount of will and courage to admit one may have a problem, and to reveal yourself out in the open can make you feel vulnerable.

So I won't say something like "There's nothing to be so scared about; they're there to help!" or "oh, don't feel like that, be happy!" because repeating what the misunderstanding crowd is saying is not only insensitive and rude to you, but it invalidates your feelings. I know we don't really know each other, but to me your feelings are important. I can never, EVER really know how or what you are feeling. But you do. So you don't have to listen to what I'm saying. I'm just a concerned stranger on a writing website after all.

If this helps, you don't have to jump right into a face-to-face appointment with a professional; if you think it may help you ease into things, there are anonymous counseling aids available. Maybe address the anxiety of getting help first and take things one step at a time. The beauty here is that it is never too late to take that step.
I know this wasn't much help, but if you need someone to talk to and you're willing to share to someone like me, I'm here.

Thank you for sharing your feelings, and Wishing for your best!!

~Shatter

Forgive me for being blunt but I do think you need help.
I too tried to ignore my problems for a long time and it only worsened them.
What encouraged me to seek help was my parents (who are also really supportive which I feel so grateful for) first of all, but I kind of avoided seeing the doctor mum took me to, and months later I'm slap-bang in uni life and struggling like hell, so I think this is when I realised (after previously working full-time for a year lol) that I have to help myself.

Yeah, it's freaking awkward to go and tell a doc about your problems, but it lasts all of possibly ten minutes, and they might be able to prescribe you something to help too. When I was stuttering and flaring up and shaking, there was a strange gigantic sense of relief that finally there was someone who listened to my problems and didn't seem...well, shocked, by them. I then realised that this very likely wasn't the first time someone had sat in that chair and struggled to admit their problems to the doctor. In other words...you should feel comforted by a doctor because it's very likely that what you tell them won't actually be new to them.

It's not a simple solution, but nothing is. Basically I got to the point where I realised I needed to accept that I needed help otherwise I don't think I'd carry on like I was tbh. I think I understand what you mean about the suicidal thoughts...I still get them too, but I know that I don't have the guts to take action. When the doc asked me this, it froze me up a bit but then I just basically told her just that. I said that I know there's no point in killing myself but I don't see the point in living.

Hope you seek the help you need. Just go see a doctor, tell them about your problems and allow yourself to feel a bit selfish because in reality I don't think doing this is being selfish; all it is is being kind to yourself. Here if you need support.