Twilight centric rant

Okay, well, right off the bat, I really MUST say sorry to all those Twilight fans out there. This is directed right towards you guys, and it was meant to be taken personally. Sorry lovies.

First of all, YES, I have read all of Stephenie Meyer's lovely "vampire" novels.

And I hated them. The only reason I read them, was because some girls in my class were freaking out over them and I wanted to know what they were talking about. Plus, I needed something new to read.

First of all: Edward Cullen.
Oh dear Buddha, this man is scary. He's a stalker, for Joe's sake! Yeah, I realize that he's super sweet, and always thinking about her, and falls in love with her at first sight, and is gorgeous and amazing, and PERFECT.

Upbububa, what was that expression? Yes, perfect. Edward Cullen is a Gary Stu. For all of those out there who do not know what a Gary Stu is, it is the male version of a Mary Sue. Better known as, perfect characters. Characters that have impossible pasts, personalities, looks, or any other stretch of the imagination. These are a big no-no in the writing word, as perfect characters are obnoxious, unwanted, and just plain annoying.

Adding to this, Bella Swan is also a Mary Sue. Just look at her frickin' name. Isabella Swan. ...Bad choice of name, Mrs Meyer, bad choice.

Second: "Vampire story"
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO.
A thousand times NO. This is NOT a vampire story! It is clearly, very clearly, a crappy romance novel, that happens to have the very sad excuse of vampires thrown in there just to give it a kick.

NOTE: Vampires do not sparkle!!!!!!!!!

If you want a good vampire novel, look up Anne Rice. But this is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a vampire novel. It is a love story. The main focus of the books is of Bella and Edward's relationship developing, twisting, turning, dying, reviving, and eventually actually becoming a real relationship. Vampirism seems to be a side note actually...

Third: Werewolves...

My reaction in first book: "He's a werewolf, totally, definitely. So has the qualities. Oh god, he's actually telling to story of the wolves past... Could this be any more obvious?"
Reaction in the second book: "Yep, so right about that. SEE, toldya. Duh."
Third book: "*banging head against desk* She just had to add that little tidbit, didn't she? Vampires AND werewolves! If Angela turns up a witch, I would not be surprised."
Fourth book: "A FETUS?!?!!?!?!?"

Really... Vampires was bad, but werewolves was over kill. Still, this wouldn't actually be a series if she hadn't added it. There would probably only be enough random shit to shove into two books, instead of four.

Four: The Ending

Okay, the last book was by FAR the worst out of the entire series. It just sealed Bella's Mary-Sueish nature. *SPOILERS* She gets turned into a vampire, MAGICALLY doesn't go through the agonizing and terrible process that is turning in to a vampire, defeats the Volturi, and runs off with Edward to have a perfect little vampire-baby that didn't kill her afterall! Okay, honestly... Just complete fail.

Did any of that actually make SENSE to anyone?! She rushed the entire book, it was like she maybe had a month to write it and was just putting down the first thing she could think of! Bad, bad, bad.

Five: Please shut up.

I'm sorry, but I have heard far too many girls squeal about Edward Cullen and wanting him to be their boyfriend, and whisk them away on their magic pony into the fading sunlight that makes him sparkle, while turning her into a vampire. I can understand the 9-12 year old group to do this, I can. These books were literally written to aim for a younger crowd. IE: Preteen girls. For the love of Jesus, all you sixteen year old's out there, obsessing over a fictional vampire, YOU NEED TO FIND A BOYFRIEND. Seriously. Guys are not that awesome, believe me, I know. Lower your expectations, you'll be pleasantly surprised in due time.

I want EVERYONE who's fallen in love with a Twilight character, whether it be Edward, Jacob, Emmett, Jasper, or any other one of those magical creatures... Please remember something. This was written by a woman. A woman, who knows what women look for in the perfect guy. She took that, and magnified it about six hundred times, then dashed a little vampire/werewolf dust on it and VOILA! Instant Gary Stu's!

Fictional characters are not the right people to fall in love with. It will only end in heartbreak.

So in closing, the Twilight series was a badly written, sad excuse of a vampire quadrilogy (this is a word, amazingly...). I look down upon all those who obsess over it, and series hope they open their eyes sometime in the future.

Notes:
Take this personally if you have ever squee'd over Edward Cullen, or any other guy in that book.
This is a product of my Creative Writing class's discussion on Vampire novels.
Read "The Vampire Lestat" if you think Twilight is good. You'll be shocked.
Hate mail will be laughed at and made fun of with the rest of my CW class.

Toodles!