** This is a letter I wrote for my Dad. I'm posting it as a journal because journals are supposed to be all personal and deep. This is both. so.. yeah.. Oh, and my parent's will never read these letters. I'm burning them in a bonfire tomorrow. So this is the only copy left. **
Dear Dad,
I’m gay. There, I said it: I AM GAY. I like men, I want to date men, and I want a husband someday. I secretly think you already know this, because mom read my Facebook message.
I hate the way you always say that you want me to “Get some pussy” IT PISSES ME OFF. I mean, if you know I’m gay then you’re just doing it to be a jackass, like it’s some attempt to make me straight. I HATE YOU FOR IT.
The reason I never told you I’m gay is because I’m afraid you won’t love me anymore like you used too. I’m scared it will make some kind of awkward tension between us.
I talked to uncle about it when I first discovered what I was. He was so helpful! More than I could ever have dreamed. He told me that he thinks the only reason you still love him is because he’s your brother and you have too, and not for who he is. I don’t want that to be us, I want you to love me for me, not because I’m your son and you have too.
You’re an alcoholic. You have to accept that, Dad. I hate it when you drink, I HATE it! You turn into someone else. The only time you say that you love me is when you’re on the phone where you’re not near me, or when you’re drunk. You don’t love me, I know you don’t.
I hate that you don’t take me to go see Grandma, it’s like you don’t even care. You ALWAYS have an excuse for not taking me. It’s wrong, I love her so much and she’s going to die soon! TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
When you make jokes at my expense, you know it bugs me but you still do it anyway. This is the reason for the majority of our fights. You know it pisses me off and you still do it! It’s like you want to fight with me all the time!
We’re so distant, Dad. We are! You know nothing about me. I mean, if I asked you these basic questions I don’t think you’d get any right:
1.What’s my fav color?
2.What’s my fav movie?
3.What’s my fav book?
I bet you’d get none of them right.
Oh yeah, here’s something you never knew: I DATED BILLY EARLE! THAT’S RIGHT! Oh and remember when I told you it was him who was smoking, it wasn’t him, IT WAS ME!
I can’t believe you don’t notice half the stuff I do. I’m not a good liar, I’ve gotten better, sure, but I still suck at it! You just don’t care enough to see I have my pockets full of cigarettes and lighters!
UGH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! THIS SUCKS BECAUSE I ALSO LOVE YOU! -.-
Oh and how could you not notice when I took painkillers and passed out? Or when I cut my arms. HOW CAN U NOT SEE THE SCARS? I BET EVEN IF YOU DID NOTICE YOU’D NEVER KNOW WHY I DID IT! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT WHO I AM! You give my the impression that if I’m not straight you don’t love me as much!
I wonder why you don’t notice me crying at night. Because I do, a lot, all the time!
I hate you! And unless you actually TRY to get to know me, I will never stop. OH, how could I forget! I saw you and mom having sex once, and might I say— EWWWWW! Oh, and I found her dildo in your closet. Most disturbing thing EVER! HIDE OH YEAH, GIVE ME BK THE PLAYBOY U STOLE FROM ME! Even though it doesn’t do much, since I’m gay, but it’s the principal! It was a gift and I want it back! Bitch!
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