Religious Rant

So I'm a Christian. But I'm not a very dedicated Christian. Is that bad?

Lately the whole thought of religion has really been bothering me. My mom and I aren't religious people at all. Like, yeah, we believe in a higher power and all that, but we don't go to church and I couldn't tell you one thing about the bible. The only thing I have to say about the bible is that I think most of it just a bunch of bull shit. No offense to all of you Jesus-lovers, I just can't believe that some dude lived in a fucking whale for three days and then the whale magically burped him out. It sounds like a cheesy bed time story. I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for us, and yes I even believe that he rose from the dead.

But come on, living in a whale? That just reminds me of Pinnochio.
And that whole 'All sins are equal' thingy? Yeah, that's bull too.
So me saying a single word is the equivalent to killing ten people? Come on, that's just a little ridiculous.

Anyways, I've found recently that I'm having major doubts about God. I've always believed in him, even if it wasn't a very dedicated belief. I used to pray. I went to church when I was younger, but not every single Sunday. I haven't stepped foot in a church since I was eleven, but that had never affected anything up until recently.

Things aren't really good in my life right now. Actually, they're horrible. Everything is going wrong and I've never been more scared in my life. I've never felt so much pain. Every night for about FIVE MONTHS now, I've been praying for things to get better. I've been fucking begging God to make my pain go away. Every night.

Why isn't he doing anything? Is it punishment for not being his fucking slave? Is he not listening to me because I'm not a good enough Christian? Is it because I drop the F-bomb a little too much? I'm not a sinner, I don't go around stabbing people. I've never even been kissed. Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? What did I do to deserve this?

Lost and insecure,
Brooklyn.

THIS IS NOT IN ANYWAY MEANT TO INSULT ANYBODY! I'M NOT SAYING YOUR BELIEFS ARE WRONG, I'M SIMPLY SAYING THAT MINE ARE FADING. I ADMIRE YOU'RE FAITH AND WISH I COULD BELIEVE IN GOD LIKE I USED TO. DO NOT LEAVE PISSED OFF COMMENTS BECAUSE I'M NOT TRYING TO PISS ANYONE OFF. IF YOU DO I WILL REPORT YOU AND NOT FEEL ANY GUILT AT ALL.
Thank you.