When the world gives you a hundred reasons to cry give the world a thousand reasons to smile :]

Okay so this is my first journal ever, I just wanted to give mibba a glance at my life I guess well here e go.

I thought that after my dad died my mom would be there a lot, and for the first couple of months she was. After that I kinda got depressed, but I began to tell my self maybe she just has to work a lot or she is working to get stuff for you and I really do appreciate, but how much more of this can I take. I barely ever see my mom she is always working or helping someone.

I get that she wants the best for me, but what if the best for me is being loved by her. My grandma is really tired a lot and I know she loves the company, but having me over is a little too much for her.

I miss my mom so much it drives me crazy some times.

One day when I was with her she got really sick, her head started hurting so bad the pain was shooting down her back. I got really scared, I called my grandma and she called the ambulance and they took her away. MY brother rode with her and as I stood there all I could think about was that I was going to lose my last parent. That was the first time my family had ever seen me cry in almost 5 years.

My chest started to hurt and I couldn't breath from the sobs racking through my body as everyone told me she'd be fine. All I could think is that they said the same thing when my dad was dying. I remember having to console my mom as he got sicker having to tell her the same thing 'Mom dad will be okay the doctors don't know what they are talking about he'll get through this like every time.

He went into a coma I gave up all hope and just let it sink in I was going to lose my daddy, my best friend. They always told me my dad would scream my name in his coma when I wasn't there with him it made me think it was my fault.

The day he died I had just got back home. I realize that it wasn't my fault now, that it was inevitable. I have his genes now so I have not been diagnosed with it yet but I have to get yearly check ups for it. I really hate hospitals cause of this.

Now that I see my family and occasionally my mom I've been a lot happier not that they can tell.

In my 7th grade year I went to a new school made some awesome friends and my life has gotten a lot better.

Maybe everything is gonna be okay.