Conflicted

I can't do this anymore. I feel trapped in every single way possible. Just when i thought i DON'T want to change, my mum forces me to change, It's bad enough i'm seperated from my friends, now the worst possible thing, my one last ray of hope, disappeared. I thought if i didn't change i can keep my friendship that i treasure so much, just by being me. Now i can't. It's torture being the eldest, where all your parents' hope are pinned on you. I worked my butt off studying last year to get good results for my public exam. But in the end, out of the 8 straight A i was so hoping to get, i got 4 A's and 4 B's. My parents think it wasn't good enough. My grandparents compares me to my cousin, who's so dang perfect in everything. She's tall, she's slim, she's fair, she's smart....she's everything i'm not.. My grandparents are the biggest hypocrite alive and i hate them. I HATE having to always smile and act like a good grandchild when every inch of my fibre hates them down to their very core.

My second sister is a rebel due to her handicap. She's half-blind. A person once said, your handicap makes one humble but she just turns into this monster everyday. Swearing, having guys wrapped around her little finger, lying to her teachers, my parents. My youngest sister, is bad in communication so she always gets bullied. I feel like i need to protect everyone. In school, who was it that talked to my sister's teachers? Who was it that took care of the bully that bullied my sister. ME. I DID THAT! Who was it that listened to my parents? I listened to my parents' problem. I WAS THERE FOR THEM!

I study, i become the prefect, i became the librarian, i learned piano, I go for tuitions every evening, sacrificing my time, i made sure my reputation was impecable and wasn't tarnished. No demerits, no nothing, no bad comments from the teachers, when they're away on their business trip, i took care of my sisters without any babysitters, i cooked whenever my parents were busy, i cleaned the house when i was told, i did everything and followed ALL their rules and orders. Yet, i somehow still manage to make my parents disappointed EVERY SINGLE time. Wasn;t it enough? What i did? I;m 16 and i never got to think like a kid because they expect me to be the wise and mature one. I really tried to be strong…So what if I’m afraid of commitment?? Can you blame me from all my past experiences?

In my new school, i feel like i just want to escape. I got friends, good friends. But i can never talk to them with private matters. They were there for the LAUGHS. Everyone giving me stares and glares just because i tried to make a conversation. I feel STUPID compared to the other prefects because they are all from smart classes, the top class for students. I TRY to talk to the guys and girls, BUT THEY BRUSH ME OFF! Why? just because i'm different? Do you want to know why i still try to talk to them? I was trying to push my fears away, the fear of being rejected, the cold memories of being teased and bullied. I was trying to OVERCOME them. How can i when they look at me like I'm NOT there.

*sigh* I want to go to sleep. I want to temporarily forget about this. :'(