DiaryOfTheLoveless

My mom keeps bashing me. She keeps calling me an elephant, a hippo, etc. My insecurity level keeps rising. I cant even look in the mirror anymore without being disgusted. I hate myself more and more each day. She keeps calling me hiteous; saying how she wants me to die....
She's never accepted me..
I've never been anything good. She always judges me. I've been suffering from depression since i was five because i did not ever feel loved by anyone. She never thought i was beautiful, or good enough for anything. There is always a flaw with me. If it isn't my skin color,..its my weight, or etc..
I wish i could tell her that the reason i am so fat,...the reason i eat so much,...is because i am so depressed because i feel she doesnt love me... That i eat to hide my feelings.
I want to open up to her and tell her so many things,....but i cant because im always getting put down by her with every little thing. I mean,..i tried telling her about a guy i like,..and the first thing she says is "Oh! does he know what you look like?", when i say yes, she responds "AND HE STILL LIKES YOU???!! DAMN.."......
If i even cry infront of her, she makes fun of me. If i were to ever tell her that the guy i loved more than anything cheated on me,..she would just rub it in my face and laugh..
The reason it hurts me so much that she doesnt love me is because she is my mother. I mean, she is biologically programmed to love me, but she doesn't. If my own mother doesn't love me or accept me,...how can expect anyone else to...
I wish i couled talk to my boyfriend about this,..but i cant. His life is oh so perfect. Whenever i tell him about a problem, he doesnt even know what to say. The only person i can think to talk to about my problems is my ex.. i mean,...yeah..,.maybe he did say that our entire relationship was a lie....but ...idk. deep down im in denial, and he is the only one who ever seemed to care. Even if hye said it was just pretending... i think im in denial because we were together for 6 months,...for it to all just be a game to him ....i cant completely believe that... Then again, he dated someone like a day later...
I hate3 my life.