I met the most lovely lad. He does all the cute things a boy should do. Holds me if I'm cold, tells me he misses me a minute after I've left, pushes my hair to the side when it falls in my face, makes sure to talk to me everyday and always says goodnight, sends me a billion kisses on the end of every text, lets me know that he's always there for me, looks at me when I'm talking, is willing to watch my favourite films with me, stays awake with me until I feel ready to sleep even if he's tired, and he holds my hand while we're falling asleep. Would be pretty much the perfect boyfriend. He's told me he likes me, and if we like eachother, which we do, then he wants a relationship. And I think it would be so nice. I'm just scared. I've fallen in love, I've had sex, I've had my heart broken, I've had fun, but I've never been in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to have that security of knowing you always have someone there by your side in a romantic way. I don't know what it's like to know someone is yours and you are theirs. I don't fucking know. And that uncertainty worries me. What if I fuck it up? What if we turn out to be too different? And I know I still have a lot of feelings for my first love, and despite that I'm doing my absolute best to move on and this guy genuinely does make me forget about him, what if I realise I just can't bring myself to be with someone else? I'm so scared one day he will text me or call me up and I'll have to tell him that I have a boyfriend now. I don't know how he'd react. Not like he should deserve my sympathy. He has hurt me over and over. It would just be difficult for me to say that to him. One day he will talk to me again and I'll just tell him to fuck off. I will always love him. He's the first person who ever said those three words to me, and he's the first person I ever said those words to. I have cried over and over because of him but he made me so happy once and I don't regret that. You can't just forget your first love. But you can move on. And that's what I want to do. He's never been good for me. This new guy has proved to me that I can do better, I deserve better. He doesn't ignore me and he doesn't leave me hanging or confused. And even better, he's not drunk all the fucking time. Basically, he is better in every way. Letting go is just extremely difficult.
I think he could make me happy again though. And so it's probably a risk I should take. Because it's not like I have anything to lose. I like him, he likes me, he treats me well, so why not? Right? I can see myself with him, and he's said he can see himself with me too.
I'm just slightly anxious about having sex with him. I've never taken someone's virginity before....
So here's my question, what was your first relationship like? Did it start out awkward? How did you feel? Tell me everything. I'm just curious. You cuties.
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