~~~Personal- Just explaining things to my fans and such. Call me an attention whore if you want but I just need to talk....~~~
Smile because I heard it make everything better if you do. They expect too much from me at this age. Im still trying to find my place where I belong but im struggling. Stay strong because there are a lot of people who would love to see you fail. “With the weight of the world on my shoulders, they just want to see me fall.” In words of ADTR. Im the one that does nothing wrong, I have a family, but its broken. Im not happy for some reason. Is it cause ive been bullied since the 3rd grade? Because the words got to me? My mom blaming me for things ive never done? Dad not accepting of me being Bi. Losing a friend that gets send away to a mental institution. My only question is, when will I be send away just like her? Im fucked if I keep up my bad habits. I need to start carrying but I dont. But I smile. A smile doesn't mean I'm happy but strong enough to keep pushing on. It shows that I care for something.
.....But now it's funny.
A couple of days ago I kinda jinx myself when I asked when will it be my turn to go to a metal hospital. Nights ago I send my friends a goodbye message through text and left my brother, sister and parents nothing. I did something I never want to do again. I attempted again. But my body can't hold up the pills I swallow and I would wake up vomiting my guts...I felt disgusted with myself for not succeeding for literally the 8th time, I start to cut in my mother's bathroom at 6 in the morning. I made 3 slip ups in October and November just started and I'm already messing up again. I was "sober" from the blade since May but started back up in September....But...
I've got caught in the middle of my own mess.
In the middle of holding a blade to my skin, blood spilling into the sink. The door wasn't lock all the way and she saw me. Hours and hours of her and my dad yelling at me. Calling me crazy, mad, stupid for doing such things. They want me to explain what made me do this. But just like a few months bad when I told them I'm fine and that I've “stopped” , I say quiet. They no longer trust me home alone. I have to piss with the door open, sleep in my room with my door open. Before I leave the house they would snatch me up and search every part of me. And the part that kills me is when they told me they're sending me away.
Taking me to a 72 hr hospital to run test on me, to see if I really am insane. Maybe longer I'm force to say over night and other shit. Not going today but soon. All I can do is cry because I did this to myself. To my parents, im mentally crazy. Put me in the fucking pill, take away my friends, my concert days, my music. You doing this does nit make me feel any better. Youre making he hurt more inside. Long sleeves can hide alot but not for long. I regret everything but then I dont. The song to my fuck up? The Drug In Me Is You. Like Ronnie said, “i am my own nightmare.” Smile? No, I dont think I have the ability too do such thing at this time…
All I need is a hug, a very long one. I don't want to get on the pill that people say it does nothing but put you down more. I'm scared, I'm fucking scared. I can't really explain how i'm feeling. I feel like shit mainly...
But for you guys who has been in this position, how does it feel to be on the pills? How does it feel to be locked up and tested on? Is it bad like most say? I don't need help, I feel like I don't but...
Maybe help is good....Maybe this is a good thing for me..
But right now, I'm yelling at everyone around me, pushing them away, blaming them for my mistakes.
It gets better they say...I want to get better but not like this.
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