How to Stay in an Abusive Relationship.

This is not about my current boyfriend -- this is about my ex.

--

Yeah, I was part of that 32% of high school students in an abusive relationship. Supposedly.

My ex-boyfriend (Flips) was four years older than me and the best friend of my brother. My brother didn't know we were together for awhile until he caught us having sex, and after that he was just sort of 'whatever' about it.

I guess that's what our whole relationship revolved around: sex and partying. He was the one who introduced me into the party scene and, like a silly fifteen year old, I blindly followed because I thought it was so cool. At first we weren't even dating until we lost our virginity to each other. We had known each other for a year and started dating after our first time. I couldn't believe someone like him, so hot and popular with girls, was into me. It was so cool.

He wasted no time in punching me in the eye. We were at a friend's house getting high and all of a sudden he leapt up and punched me in the eye. Three days later, with the black eye fading, he hit me in my other one to make me a raccoon. I didn't really care until I had to buy concealer and foundation for the first time to cover it up. And bless the makeup ladies at the counter as they tried foundation to match my skin: I could tell they really wanted to say something.

He only hit me twice but my friends called our relationship abusive and they wanted me to break up with him. To this day I refuse to admit it was abusive because I don't think we were. He apologized immediately after he hit me and admitted it was because of the drugs, and I believe him. He wasn't that kind of person. There was a time when he shoved me because I had taken off my clothes at a party and I wouldn't go into the bathroom to change. I deserved that, and all the yelling he did afterwards. When we eventually broke up he also shoved me against the wall and punched me in the eye because I told him off. But afterwards, when I was crying and telling him he scared me, he held me and I thought that was really sweet. We had sex and then ever since then I haven't interacted with him. It's been about a year and a half.

Our relationship was a tad bit illegal, I get that. Everything about us was illegal but I really loved him, and that was even without the ecstasy speaking for me. I don't think he was abusive, but I don't know... Maybe I'm jaded by all the good memories I have of him.

I know it's bad to say it but I miss him. If I hadn't met my current boyfriend right now, I'd probably still be with Flips. I think it was the drugs and tension that made him push me around a little. He seems better now.

I feel like I miss the sex and the life I had though, and since I associated that with him, I miss him too. He lived with his roommates in this beautiful house on PCH that looked out on the ocean. I remember lying in the dark on his bed and just holding his hand and him telling me over and over that we were going to get married. Then another time I thought it was the most romantic thing ever because he told me we should have sex without ecstasy and I felt like we actually 'made love' for once. I know, my friends thought I was stupid too, but I loved him. He may not have been much help to my health since it was during our relationship that I was really heavily suicidal, but he was there every time I called him crying and begged him to drive an hour to come get me. He stayed with me and he told me I was beautiful and he gave me confidence I never had. There was one time when I was feeling really depressed and bad at school and he came there dressed like a student. I snuck into the boy's bathroom and we got high and then we made out I went back to art class lying that I was having problems with my period. I loved that he would jump through hoops to do something for me.

But I broke up with him because of pressure from my friends and my current boyfriend (who was at that time just an acquaintance who cared about my health a lot).

I gave up that lifestyle and I guess I gave up Flips, too. But I can't forget everything we had, no matter how abusive my friends called him. I didn't see anything wrong with us at all.