Is Mibba Dead?
I ask just because... whenever I come on now... nothing's changed.
The home page is hardly updated with new articles. The stories page doesn't move as much. My subscriptions page hasn't moved in a few months. I hardly see anyone talking in the forums (or at least the forums that I'm subbed to). The clubs page has been whittled down to three "active" clubs.
I don't know... it's just heartbreaking.
I snooped around the admin's pages (if ya'll are reading this, hello) and it doesn't look like anyone's really active with the exception of Audrey. It's so sad because I remember that everyone used to have something going on and now... not so much.
I really wish that everyone who used to be on Mibba could come back and make this site feel like it used to. I miss the stories page being updated every minute with a new story or chapter and feeling like I could find something new whenever I went. Now just going back a few pages will take me a month or two back.
I think no matter what, I'll always come back to Mibba, though. I'll always be checking up on this place and snooping, trying to relive the glory days by rereading the old fan fiction I used to.
Speaking of fan fiction, I just finished the outline for my new story. I've come to the conclusion that I now need to outline chapters if I ever intend to do another story because I won't bring myself to finish it otherwise. Plus I feel a little more motivated I guess and just hope I can keep that now.
It's for the story I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. It's a Jacob Black story (because I am forever a hoe for this guy) called Serendipity and I'm excited to get it out there. I'm going to be typing up chapters and I'll publish it when I have them all saved, that way I can just put out a few chapters and not have to worry about losing my inspiration.
What's Up With Me
Ya'll I'm so depressed.
I'm sorry, but life just gets harder for me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't find motivation to do anything. I don't have friends. I don't see myself having much of a future.
Sometimes I just think I can't do it anymore and I get so sad because I want to do so much, but I just can't feel like I can allow myself to have fun. I feel like a failure at so much and I'm frustrated with myself.
I want to start dieting, I even bought a book, and I've read parts of it, but I can't start because well... I feel like I'm not going to follow through.
To be honest, I'm depriving myself of a good life and I hate myself for it.
If I'm even more honest with you, I've also looked up ways to commit suicide. l've google that shit, can you believe it? I still have it saved as a page in my phone's web browser.
What really got to me lately was the death of Jonghyun, a member of SHINee who passed recently by suicide. God, I'm still reeling and hurting from that. I still can't listen to SHINee either. I skip their songs. Just recently I passed by the place I saw them perform at last year and I just got so damn depressed. Seeing someone like Jonghyun pass... I just feel hopeless and responsible...
But the one thing that keeps me going is kpop...
I keep buying concert tickets so I have to keep going and attending...
My life isn't worth living. But going to the places and seeing the people that give me happiness make me want to so that's supposed to be enough, right....?
I can't wait to die and get away from all of this.