Conditional Love

Morning y'all!

I always swear that the days are going by soooooo slow this month then I'll look at my feed and it'll be like 10 days since I last posted a blog and like forever since I wrote something.

Like so much and so little is happening.

This is another ~sad~ blog and I'm really sorry. On the upside, I'm going to Pride tomorrow, I start work in like 2 weeks, and I feel like that will make me more able to get out of the house and do fun things and have happier times.

I've just...come to terms that home is not home anymore and I gotta get the fuck outta here.

Home was never home for a lonnnggg time.

I'm coming to terms that my father is a toxic parent.

I love him deeply, endlessly, and gratefully...but I can't live like this anymore. Therefore, I am going to be putting wheels in motion for me to become financially independent and, hopefully, not even in the same city as him by 2020...2019 more likely.

I've known this for years. I've been on this site for the better half of a decade (7 years, I think!) and, this is why I always blog about the personal, I've talked about this a lot when I was in high school. Things soften when I went away to college (which was one of the many reasons why I decided to go away to college). I thought things were cool and age and distance made us better.

Then I started to be a truthful, honest person. Y'all know the story. Meet someone. Get really serious about someone. You tell your family.

And it's been back to a cycle of abuse ever since.

Since I am choosing to live my own life and be myself he's just been attacking me and gaslighting me and I can't do it anymore.

The peak definitely came this week when we were out doing a task and we were in his car (confined spaces, nice) and on a highway no less and he just starts like ATTACKING me and gaslighting me and using my relationship was a weapon and trying to cover it up as a "caring parent" by saying I "deserve more" but he's like projecting all these things of what my partner ~assumes~ of me by calling me a floozy, whore, loose and that my partner is gonna break up with me and call me racial slurs and that I'm dumb.

And just imagine having to endure that, on a highway, can't go anywhere and you have to STILL do the task and get in the car and come back.

I cried. I cried so hard and so long. I cried the ENTIRE ride, I cried there, I cried back. I cried for at least 2 hours. Like who says that?

I'm just over the conditional love. The "I love you until you disobey me or do something I don't like."

Then he has the audacity to say "Oh you're choosing him over me"

Like HE didn't choose to stop talking to me when I told him. Like HE isn't the one that's been attacking me at least once a month since I told me. Like HE isn't treating me like the gum beneath his show.

Like, if I break up with my partner, let that naturally occur. And even IF my partner and I break up that in no shape, way, or form is gonna make me go "Yeah, I totally wanna just go home."

I can't live here anymore. This is the last summer/extended period of time I'm staying here. Idc how I'm out after this summer. If I have to scrub toilets, idc.

*sigh* I feel like this is my frustration in text form lol.

When I was younger, I suspected he was toxic, but now he has to be. Like he refuses to get to know my partner. Not the other way around. And he threatens to ruin my partner's education and just...it's too much.

I can't talk to him. Can't reason. Can't argue. Can't change his mind.

I just gotta go.

Okay, I'm done lol.

See ya in the next blog.