1.) I have MAJOR writer's block. So yeah. Sorry about that.
2.) I got a kitty. But she may have so bacteria shit and so I hope she doesn't die.
3.) We had 'pie day' in AP Lit. Cool stuff.
4.) I got a Facebook.
5.) Me and Jandri's 1 year anniversary was on Oct. 21st.
6.) I got my report card yesterday. It was gay because my volleyball teacher gave me a B instead of an A because he doesn't know my name and he got me mixed up. He calls me 'Ferret Princess'. Like... wtf?
7.) Change of plans for college. I am most likely now going to go to Cornell University in Ithica, NY or Rutgers University in Newark, NJ. Yay. MCR town. But w/e. My dad knows this lady who has the hook up for 'Scholary African-Americans'. Women preferably. Wow. Whoever thought that fat ass would come in handy?
8.) The Worst and Stinkiest Manager Ever left for a month [as you can imagine, I was fucking escatic] but the mother fucker is back. Great balls of fire.
9.) This is what I've really wanted to talk about...
So I'm depressed. Like... I don't even know. I can't even explain it. Why? I don't know. I mean, I sleep for 10 hrs. and it feels like 5 mins. Or I get 2 hrs. of sleep and it also feels like 5 mins. It doesn't really matter. I nap like 3 or 4 times a day and go to sleep early when I can but it doesn't really matter. I wake up every 30 mins. anyway. Time kills. And I've woken up crying for the pass week plus now. I don't know why. I'm just... crying. All over the fucking place. And school sucks because... because it just does. I just want to get out of the house and live my own life. And the one person who I love the most has no faith in me being successful. Well, he said he does but I dunno. We had a big arguement a week ago and the words are still ringing in my head. I feel alone.
This is the biggest nervous breakdown I've ever had.
See all those people on the ground
Wasting time.
I try to hold it all inside
But just for the night.
On top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
And something is missing.
Maybe I...
Fuck.
What do I know?
And now it seems that I have found
Nothing at all.
I wanna hear your voice out loud.
Slow it down.
Slow it down.
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing.
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something.
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
I'm on my own.
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing.
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something.
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
^ That song seriously wraps me up in a nutshell. Every fucking time. It's beautiful. Ever listen to a song that makes you feel liberated yet constricted? I do. Songs like On My Own [The Used], Wake The Dead [The Used], My Blue Heaven [TBS], Desert Song [MCR], Heaven Help Us[MCR], I'll Let You Live [TBS]. Those songs make me feel so released like the music can take it all away. It can hear me. But at the same time I makes me realized how fucked up in the head I really am. And I don't even know why. And I'm still crying over Maeghan. Because I still don't understand. I don't get it. And it's not fair. Why do we die? No. Why do we kill ourselves? With drugs and lies and alcohol and self-mutalation and starvation? It's fucked up. And it pisses me off everytime I hear girls crying about their wieght and crying about cutting themselves and crying about how fucking high and drunk their gonna get this weekend. Yeah. Wash all your fucking problems away into a bottle of Vodka. You don't know who you're hurting. It's not only yourself.
Believe me. I've gone through some fucked up shit in my life but you don't see me slitting my wrist. I've thought about suicide. God knows it's happened a lot. Especially lately. I even plan out the quickest, quietest, least painful way. Then I think of the people I love and who loves me. And even though I doubt it 99% of the time I still hold that hope that someone will care and cry and mourn. Sometimes I think I'm a fool for caring about others when I just want to off myself but it helps.
-le sigh-
Moving on. Nevertheless. I'm a depressed son-of-bitch. With a theory, no less.
We all [or most I can safely say] come to Mibba, among other forums, to find people with similiar interest/problems etc. And I've decided that we're all a bunch anti-social, introverted folks. We lounge around on forums all day searching for friendship that doesn't come to us in the 'real world' so we use this... er... 'fantasy land' to create everlasting bonds. We yearn for those ones to tell us we're pretty. To tell us we're amazing because we don't hear it anywhere else. And though it's a virtual hug or kiss and doesn't bring us the joy a real person touching you would it still makes up and 'substitutes' for what we all lack. Of course, kissing a computer isn't the same as a pair of lips but we all need it. Especially when we don't ever get it in 'reality'. And most find this pathetic but I find it reassuring. I could be lying to myself because Mibba won't always be here but hey. Who gives a fuck?
I like to think I'm well-spoken but I just go on tangents. Who am I kidding?
[/End depression and tangent rant]
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