Don't be scared its only me... okay nevermind be scared

Whoever said there is nothing to fear but fear itself obviously didn’t live in the real world, and had never met me. For there is always something to fear, no matter if you are the most powerful person alive, or a little child abandoned in the streets of New York after dark; there will always be something to fear.

For me that thing happens to be my own mind… And yes you read right I only fear myself and if you knew what went on my mind you’d understand why. I mean really no one but me ever has to deal with what I have to deal with. I tell you my mind is seriously warped, not to mention terribly mean. And no I am not kidding. All it ever does is criticize and pick, Almost like one of those beauty salon people- with the super long nails that you know must be as sharp as knives- constantly pinching your naked flesh, picking at it as vulture picks at its tasty lifeless entrée. Yea, that’s how it feels, only instead of physically it’s emotionally, or maybe mentally, who knows.

I’m always finding myself yelling at me for a multitude of different things. There’s all the times I get upset about something and start crying, and I hate it when I cry- especially for stupid reasons or even no apparent reason whatsoever, and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Well anyways, I start crying and then I go “shut up and stop crying you imbecile, this is a total weakness and makes you so much worse than all the girls who actually have a reason to cry.” Or sometimes its “ You’re totally showing emotion, and in the worst possible way, and when you show emotions it leaves you vulnerable and people use it against you, or even worse they pity you. So shut up idiot stop crying, you’re pathetic and useless and retarded and who wants to hang out with someone who cry’s so much, especially for no reason. So stop it now!” And in both cases I end up with even more tears and self-loathing than before. Most of the time the only way I really stop for good is when I get angry instead of sad. And that usually happens because of my parents or of thinking of what some people have done to me, or what they might do to me. But of course, as most plans, it sometimes backfires, and when it gets me angry I get so frustrated that there’s nothing I can do about it that I just start sobbing again, and then we’re back to square one.

And I’m always getting on myself for the way I look- for my ugliness or maybe the fact than my skin/fat is hanging over the edge of my jeans, or even how I can’t dress the way I want to, though that’s hardly my fault… But I can’t very well get on my parents about it so who better to scream at and criticize than myself?

Yeah incredible logic huh? I’ve always been shocked the universities aren’t begging me to join them now at the ripe ol’ age of 16 with my sheer genius…

Most of the time I just wanna end it for good. Just screw it, ya know? But I could never bring myself to do it and throw away the possibility that something good might happen in the future (for example my Smiegel impressions miraculously disappearing, or actually finding that crazy [currently non-existing] little thing called love) and I’d miss it if I kill myself. And yet another reason to hate myself, my hopeless belief that something good may happen someday.

But I guess that’s a part of human nature. And another thing that causes my indignant self-loathing, the fact that I’m a part of that crappy group of ‘dominant’ animals A.K.A humans. For a while now I’ve thought our species was utterly disgusting and not worthy of the ‘ruling’ of the beautiful earth. I’ve received a plethora of crazy looks from this, but I would much rather be a vampire or even a were-wolf, or faery of sorts, preferably the first mentioned. I think I would much enjoy snacking on my ‘fellow’ species that happened to piss me off (Another thing that scored some interesting looks).

I know I’m completely mental/screwed up but hey, I didn’t ask to be this way, but at least its never boring when your not exactly normal/when you’re in the minority (if there even is anyone else in the world like me, it wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t exactly a group of us…)