Confess on My Wayward Son

gimp suits worn in non-sexual situations are my favorite thing in the world.

I hate feeling this way. I want to lift people up, it makes me so happy as I'm doing it, but then when I'm alone, I'm down at the bottom again. And it isn't that I dislike being alone; I love my personal space.

I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do anymore or what to say.

why do I keep ending up here? there's always a pull to come back, but when I do, I have nothing to say anymore.
it's a strange feeling, after having so many words that used to find their way here.

-

i miss you, my november boy.

I wish my layout-making abilities were much better 'cause I want a new one for Wonderland but I can't come up with anything

I want to help you, but I can't be the one initiating and always doing everything for you. I can't be your mother in our relationship--that's only going to end with resentment on my end, and I don't want that because I really do care about you. But I need you to take care of yourself. I know it's hard, I have to fight the urge to do absolutely nothing all day, but I know that's just my mental illness trying to get to me. You never did get a chance to see someone that last time we tried to register you with that health clinic two years ago...but I know now we can probably start over and have you see better people. I just need you to work with me.

The amount of youtube that I've fallen behind on is kind of overwhelming.

i'm looking for god everywhere these days.

--

i've been tired of my job for the past three years, i think i'm gonna try and escape that hellhole this year.

deleted all my stories off of here. i don't think there's really anyone left who would remember me. i can't help coming back here every now and then, i can't believe it's still up and going.

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i'm about to graduate with my bachelor's degree.....what the fuck, what the absolute fuck....
it scares me so much. i wish i had died back in 2015 like i was supposed to. like i almost did.

Man, I don't even know anymore.

[edited]

I'm not playing your sick games anymore. Toxic is all you are, and ever will be, the both of you.

@ meteorites.
lots of hugs for you. <3

---

I've been really sleepy and I hate it. Can I just drink a cup of coffee and get all my energy back instantly?

"Maybe if you just communicate," they said after I shut myself away. "Too much baggage," they said, once I actually opened myself up. You know, the funniest thing about all of this is the fact that your behavior and actions reminded me of my ex. The one that fucked me up so badly.

I hope one day you look at your actions and realize the fault lies with you. Until then, my ''''abusive'''' best friend and I will continue on, being strong and getting rid of the people that treat us like shit. If that makes us toxic, then so be it.

@ angelic sailor moon
Thank you, Hina!

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I need another dog in my life after watching Crufts.

Sweetheart, if you've got something to say to me then grow a pair of balls and say it to my fucking face.

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I feel like this could be my time but then again, nothing in my life ever goes completely right so I'm terrified that something's going to come along and ruin everything. I can't even get myself excited about stuff anymore because I'm constantly in this mindset that something's going to come along and fuck everything up like it always does.

ugh. why can't i do anything D;

My patient died last night. And I'm not upset about it, not really. She was in end stage respiratory failure and we all knew it was coming. But it was the strangest thing. I knew she had passed when I walked into the room, but I felt her leave at the point when I was cleaning her face and repositioning her NC so it wouldn't leave ugly dents for the family to see. That's when she left, when she knew she was going to be taken care of. But it kind of scares me because that also means she died alone: no one was there to be with her, not staff nor family. No one deserves to die alone and I know it isn't my fault but I just wish I would have been in the room with her. I'm not sad, I'm just disjunct and worried. and then of course the doc wouldn't come up to pronounce it for 2 fucking hours. rude.

@ vanete.

i remember you.

--
i want to write. feel it in my bones. make something. post it here. a sunset and a man. a sunrise and a girl. who the fuck knows or cares. so much is different about my life now i'm not sure if anyone would recognise me. recognise it. the way i write. it's all so different

and yet my heart still remains in california where it's always been, all this time

@ angus young
OH MY GOD i remember you too !!!! it's been so long since i was last on here i thought for sure everyone had gone by now

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i love supporting my friends but why did i think it was a good idea to go see the vagina monologues.....i'm so dysphoric i want to die. i can't talk about it anywhere either bc i don't want my friends to think it's their fault it's not i'm just so fucking insecure in my masculinity and it sucks.

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you're cold on the inside, there's a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart

I cussed out the local Chinese joint today over something stupid. I'm really embarrassed and annoyed at myself.