Personal Advice Column: May 2010

Every month for the Mibba Magazine, you’ll have the chance to submit your questions, quandaries, musings and concerns to be answered by fellow Mibbians Z (Jinxeh), Amber (Cherry Road) and Jenni (Sardonic Grin).



My mum always tells me off when I stick my knife in the toaster to get my toast out. She always tells me that I’ll die from electrocution. Is this true? Because we need a new toaster and I am not using my fingers to scoop that toast out.

I don’t honestly think there’s anything wrong with using the knife to scoop out the toast AS LONG AS THE TOASTER IS UNPLUGGED. The general worry with using utensils to scoop out toast is that with the excessive heat inside the toaster and the machine being part of a closed electrical circuit, you can introduce yourself into the circuit via the conductor of the knife (it is metal, and if it’s plastic, remember that plastic can still conduct electricity) and get an electric shock. Sort of exactly like putting your finger into an electrical socket.

I’m not necessarily condoning your behavior, but I know it’s something that I – and most other people – have done. Just be careful about what you’re doing and, for goodness sake, UNPLUG THE TOASTER BEFORE YOU STICK ANYTHING OTHER THAN BREAD IN IT.

-Amber

Yes, it is true! That is very dangerous and your mother has every right to yell at you. Get a new toaster.

-Jenni

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How can I keep my stories on Mibba interesting?

It takes thought and creativity. You have to plan out your stories and at least have a vague idea of what’s going to happen in the near future, and you must be creative enough to come up with something that’s not completely over-used.

-Amber

Well, what’s interesting to you? What would you, as a reader, like to see in the stories that you want to write? Just remember…to be interesting is a good thing, yeah, a great thing, but you have to write for yourself, first and foremost. Writing should never be a chore; to be looked upon like homework that you HAVE to complete. It should be something that you enjoy. Otherwise, what’s the point? Just take a long, good look at what you’ve already written and try to put yourself in the shoes of someone reading it just for fun. Figure out what you’re going to want to see in that story…and then figure out if that’s what you, as the author, would enjoy too. Don’t just force it, and don’t be afraid to put down the pen (or…laptop) for a while if it’s just not happening right away.

-Z

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Is it completely unreasonable to ask my mom if I can have a co-ed sleepover? It'd be for my 16th birthday party at my family's beach house about 45 minutes away, and it would probably be three girls (including myself) and three boys. The boys offered to sleep in the living room downstairs (even though we have a guest room upstairs), while the girls and I stay upstairs in my room. Do you think that's something parents would have a problem with?

It’s very conceivable that your parents would have a problem with this. For parents, while sleeping in different rooms – and even completely different levels of the house – takes down the risk of teenage sex and everything that comes along with it, it’s obvious that if you, any one of the girls, or any one of the guys REALLY wanted to have sex, you/they could. And that possibility is enough to scare parents out of their minds. Add to that, you’ll be forty five minutes away from home, by yourselves, at a BEACH – which is a very romantic spot – and you can see where your parents’ thoughts are heading.

I think it boils down to how much your parents trust you and/or your friends in this particular situation. If you’re normally really good in their eyes, and they like and approve of your friends, then you may be able to get away with this. But I’m betting on them not letting you do so, for all of the reasons stated above. (Especially if you have a “worry wart” parent.)

-Amber

I’m with Amber on this one, to be honest. By now, your parents will have sixteen years of experience dealing with you as their child – and trust me, by now they know you so well that they’re instantly going to know what their answer is going to be when you ask them (if you haven’t already). If they say no, though…it’s not that they don’t trust you, and you should keep that in mind. When I was growing up, my parents were fairly lenient, but my father was still wary – “It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he’d always say, but rather that “I don’t know that I can trust everyone that you spend your time with.” And for a parent with a sixteen-year-old daughter, boys aren’t exactly on that “we trust them hanging around” level.

Being so young, being almost an hour from home with absolutely NO adult supervision, two sexes under one roof…I wouldn’t call the request “unreasonable”, because I’m not your parents and I don’t know them, but I wouldn’t expect an agreeable response on this one.

-Z

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I have no friends in real life. I have a few acquaintances at work, but that's all they are. Our personal lives don't mesh up enough for us to hang out anyway. I don't know how to meet people. I'm obviously not going to hang out in the mall and just randomly walk up to a person and be all, “Wanna be my friend?” I don't mind having most of my friends online; it would just be nice to have someone to go to the movies with. I don't go to church because I haven't found one in the area yet, but I'm not really sure if I'd make friends anyway because sometimes “church” friends don't want to do anything I want to do (personal experience). I don't have a lot of time to join a lot of clubs or volunteer. (And the only places I can volunteer would be in the bad part of town and after-dark, so that's not happening.) I just would like to meet a few people in real-life I can hang out with, but I don't know how to meet anyone. Help?

Sincerely,

Alone in the Movie Theater.


It’s hard to make friends, online and off. Some people make it look all too easy, as well. The important thing is not to give up hope…but don’t push it, either. Sometimes you just CLICK with other people, and the best friendships tend to come from that. Even more – online isn’t exactly a bad place to meet new friends. There are various websites made for people to meet one another; I use one, even, and have met great friends there. (NOTE: Something I suggest here only because I happen to know that this person is not a minor – those who are under eighteen, such sites are not for you.) Online sites aren’t just for dating anymore, and as long as you use a little common sense it’s okay to use them now and then, especially at an adult age. Even more, I’ve met great in-real-life friends through such sites as Mibba, LiveJournal, and Twitter. It’s a little rarer, but those are great places to really get to know a person before meeting them face-to-face. (Again, as long as you’re using common sense, especially when it comes time to actually meet them. Public places, brightly-lit and with a lot of people around are your best bet.)

Otherwise, perhaps try to extend the hand of friendship to your co-workers and those already around you? Ask them to hang out during your lunch breaks, or if they’d like to see a movie with you sometime, or grab something to eat after work. It never hurts to just ask. Spend a little time away from the computer, and go out and try to enjoy the world – you can’t meet more people (besides co-workers) in real life unless you’re out there, after all! And sometimes, even making one friend is the gateway to so much more. (I myself have made such amazing friends, now roommates, by meeting one single girl and then all of her friends. Proxy friendship!)

-Z

I think your best bet, Alone in the Movie Theater, would be to meet someone by “chance”, though that’s never fool-proof. Be a tad bit friendlier the next time you visit your library to the guy who checks out your books, or the next time you eat at a restaurant, try to strike up conversation with the people in the waiting area with you. Sometimes you meet your best friends by chance, or because you were a tad bit more outgoing than usual in a certain situation. If you’re more outgoing and seem more approachable, people will naturally flock to you and, hopefully, become some friends who’d go see a movie with you.

-Amber

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This may seem shallow but it's really bugging me. What do I do if a guy who I'm dating won’t text me first? He will hold long conversations with me if I start them, but he has never texted me first. I always feel pathetic every time I text him first because it's like I'm begging for attention. It'd be nice to know he wanted to talk to me first every once in a while. Help?

-AGirlWithAProblemStatedAbove


You really shouldn’t worry about it. Just because someone never initiates a conversation with you doesn’t mean they don’t like to talk to you. He’s held long conversations with you over texts and he’s dating you, so obviously he likes you as a person. He could just be shy about starting conversations like that (what if he interrupts something you’re doing?) or it’s in his general disposition to wait for people to approach him with conversation (like myself). But if you don’t think it’s either of those things, then perhaps you should talk to him about it? Not confront him, but just ask him and express your concerns.

-Amber

Agreeing with Amber on this one. The most you can do at this point, I think, is to bring it up to him – not in an accusing way, but just to voice your concerns. If you want your relationship as a whole to be open and honest, then you have to start with the little things – before they turn into big things.

-Z

Don’t text him first one day. The possibility is that he is just completely used to you texting him first so he never feels the need to. If you disappear for a day, he may just wake up and realize he needs to make an effort as well.

-Jenni

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I've recently become pretty good friends with upperclassmen (I'm a sophomore), who will be graduating this year or next. I'm not entirely sure how to expect to maintain a relationship with them once they're off to college...will they be too cool to hang out with a high schooler on breaks or weekends? Any suggestions to help keep our relationship strong once they've left?

If he is cool enough to hang out with you now, he is cool enough to hang out with you in college. With that said, you have to expect the lines of communication will dwindle once he is in college. My best friend goes away to college, and when she is up there I hardly hear from her (like once a week), but when she is back down here we hang out every day. Expect that he may be too busy to talk to you sometimes, but always keep the lines of communication open. Text him from time to time saying something like “Hey, how is college?” Or, “When are you coming back? We should hang out when you do”. If he is as a good a friend as you say, he will have no problem keeping the friendship going. Just don’t take it personal if while he is away at college he comes off as distant.

-Jenni

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Could you please explain in detail the differences between a prologue, preface, and prelude? I looked it up, but found basically different info for each thing on every site. I even resorted to asking my mom, who reads so much it has to be unhealthy. She didn't have a clue either. So give me answers!

Pushy now, are we? (Naw, I’m just kiddin’.) If my research is reliable (and by “research” I mean looking on dictionary dot com’s Word FAQ list and then Googling your question), then I have come to this conclusion: a prologue is an introduction to the book within the storyline somewhere of the book, a prelude is an introductory piece of music (much like a prologue only…not literature), and a preface is an introduction to the book written by the author to sort of give background information about writing it and what is going on in their lives at the time and why the wrote it, and other things like that.

-Amber



What would be the best way to get in contact with an old friend? I have his number, but am unsure as to how to start a conversation.

Just a “Hey, what’s up!” is the best bet. Come off as casual. Short, sweet and to the point is the best way to get in contact with someone you haven’t talked to, unless you guys ended on bad terms.

-Jenni

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For a long time I didn’t think boys were for me. Recently, a guy I considered nothing more than a friend asked me out. He’s nice, and we have a lot in common, but I’m worried about wrecking our friendship. What’s more, I’m not sure if I’m ready to date. I don’t feel that I need a relationship in my life, but neither do I want to miss out on something potentially good. I don’t know whether to give him a chance or not. What do you think I should do?

— Cath


Honestly, you already seem to have this one figured out for yourself. There are some pros, yeah, but if you actually have to use those to JUSTIFY going out with him then you have to consider that maybe it’s just not right to date him – at least not right now, while you remain so unsure. If anything, sit him down and explain all of this to him – that way, if you do end up dating him at least he’s not completely in the dark about the possible outcomes of your relationship, and goes in knowing what he’s getting into (which sounds harsh, using those words, but it’s the truth of the matter).

-Z

I’m pretty big on the whole “sexuality is fluid” stance, so I don’t think you liking or not liking males is really at the core of this. I truly think you should wait and continue to be friends (if that’s at all possible), Cath. You even stated more reasons against going out with him than for, really. I don’t think dating this guy could really turn into something super special or life-altering if your mindset isn’t wholly into it. You don’t want a relationship and you don’t think you’re ready to date. If this isn’t something you want, you shouldn’t lead him on. I think it would be best if you two stayed friends and then maybe, later on in life, when/if you decide this might work, try it out then.

-Amber

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How do you edit chapters of your story?

Two possible answers for this question:

1.) My Mibba > Stories > Stories > Manage chapters (under the title of whichever story you want to edit) > click on the little pencil icon next to the specific chapter you want to edit. That’s it!

2.) Do you mean, as in to go back later and edit your chapters to improve them? If so…brainstorm! Don’t force it; let the new ideas come to you, and think about what could go into each chapter (or what can come out of each chapter) to improve it. Really, this is something that’s mostly on you – commenter’s can give suggestions, of course, but in the end it’s up to you to figure out how you can make your writing even better the second time around.

-Z

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How do I get people to take my band more seriously? We're young, yeah, but we're really good. It's not our fault we can't get gigs, a lot of local places don't like having younger acts.

If you need people to take you more seriously, then I suggest you let people hear you. Do a few free shows out of someone’s basement or something, or at local parties. Get the word out to people you know and also to people who may be able to help you get a gig or who owns a place where you could get a gig. Play for free wherever you can and, if you really are as good as you say you are, people will be interested in getting you guys to play at their venues.

-Amber

Three words: NEVER GIVE UP. The bands that I know personally, who are making something of themselves with their music and who are able to support their lifestyles with it, they’re the ones who kept pushing forward and never let anything – their ages, the genre they’re most familiar with playing, where they toured – stop them from trying to ‘make it’ in the music business. And yes, perhaps you’re young yet – but that just means that you use this time now to practice, practice, practice. Call up every local venue that hosts amateur music and try to get a spot, and if they say no, just try again in the future. Get your demos together (if you have any – if not, get on that, even if not professionally done in a studio) and take them with you to shows so you can pass them out. (I’m not a big Fall Out Boy fan, but Pete Wentz gave some great advice about that, once – how he has found interest in bands and helped them along simply because they had the guts to hang out after Fall Out Boy shows in the hopes of handing him their demos themselves.) And if you can’t get booked for official gigs…have your own! Make up some fliers, and invite people to watch you play in your garage. You have to start somewhere. Every good band does.

Social networking does wonders, too. A friend of mine from a known band (who shall remain nameless) once told me that if a band is hoping to get signed, most record labels won’t even give them a shot for an audition or send a scout out unless their MySpace page has at LEAST 50,000 fans. Get your band out there, on MySpace, Facebook, Twitter – if there’s a social networking site you have access to, you get your band on there and advertise. People won’t get interested if they never hear about you, after all.

-Z

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How soon is "too soon" to say that you love someone?

I suppose that only you can know when the “right” time to tell someone that you love them is. I’d definitely suggest not rushing into it, nor taking the first sign of heart-fluttering and warm feelings as “love”, either. You can do a lot of damage to a relationship by rushing into things, or mistaking feelings of simple infatuation for love. Just be patient…you’ll know, eventually. And when you’re SURE, you’ll be all the better for it.

-Z

I would say any time before four months is too soon. Definitely longer the older you get, I think.

-Amber

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How can I really figure out what my sexuality is? I think I'm bi, but it never really works out with guys. I just don't get that spark that I can with girls, but I still really find some guys nice to look at and I don't mind flirting with them. My friend says that that makes me a “tease” but I feel the same about guys as I do about girls. Until it comes to dating them, then there's nothing.

Like I stated in an earlier question, I really do think that sexuality is fluid, and you shouldn’t try too hard to define yourself. Just go with your gut instinct. If that’s not how you roll, then you should think about it this way: if you feel like you couldn’t really date a guy, ANY guy, it should be general, then stick to girls and say you’re a lesbian (as long as thinking about dating ANY girl is something you can see yourself doing).

-Amber

Oh, honestly…been there, done that. (Actually, am there, still doing that.) I suppose the most important thing to take into account here is not to try labeling yourself too quickly. I’ve tried to do that, and it only adds more stress into the situation – a pressure to be whatever you’re trying to label yourself as, and the confusion that comes along with wondering if that’s at all right.

I know it’s hard…just try not to rush into anything, either way. There’s absolutely no hurry to define what you may or may not be just yet. Just go with the flow, do what feels right for the time…things will fall into place eventually. It might take a little while, but it will happen. And good luck!

-Z

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I can't decide where I stand with this boy that I practically love, who claims he's had an infatuation with me for five years, as well. One day we're like sticks and stones; hanging out at his house, kissing, making the best of our time together. And the next, he acts distant, but still texts me all throughout the day. But in public, he's almost always more distant. And yet, we still somehow made plans to go to his house again on the weekend. We're not dating, nor are we talking as if we are about to date... I feel like I'm being used. But I'm in so deep I can't leave him.

Saying you can’t leave is a cop-out. You can always leave. You can delete his number, Facebook, MySpace, whatever means of communication you have and just cut him out. I know it is hard, though, and it is all easier said than done, but nothing is going to change if you keep going down this path. The question is, though, what do YOU want? Do you want this boy? Do you want to date him? If you do, you have to lay down some kind of ultimatum. Nothing dramatic. Just ask, “Where is this going?”. If he pulls the “I don’t know” card or “Nowhere”, cut him loose. He needs to know what it is like to lose you, and if he isn’t going to make a commitment, you need to move on. You already wasted five years, don’t waste anymore.

-Jenni

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