Well, it is hard to read, but I was just talking about the way you constructed your story. There are also a lot of I's, which is something that just screams "I READ TWILIGHT". So I suggest a wider variety of words.
I'd like to read the part where the bigger twist of her and he begin to happen.
How would you like me to help? I think your characters are very well described, and I don't think there's much you can do to enhance them.
I think you should invest in getting a word processor program to write your drafts in, however, like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. You can get OpenOffice at Openoffice.org. But it helps a lot with my spelling, because it has a built in spell-check. It makes a whole lot of difference.
i know right! the thing is there is another kelsey middlebrook that has a myspace. if you google kelsey middlebrook an google images thn it is like the first pic of a girl that is upsidedown