mauricewashere / Comments

Also I meant break was ALMOST over. Not actually over, lol.

Hey beautiful!
Guess what you get! Another long ass message! Woohoo! New Year's was fuuunnn. Me gusta!! Can you believe break is over? Gosh... I really need to get started on my homework. But I keep getting distracted by mibba, tumblr and twitter. Especially tumblr! Gahh! Except it keeps giving me Sherlock spoilers :( So i can't go one :( You need to watch Sherlock!!! It's amazing!!! Me gusta Sherlock! hehehe. Btw can i have my iPod? I can't believe i left it at Julia's. I always leave something at someones house during a sleepover. ALWAYS! Hey! duude! Idk why i'm asking this on mibba of all places. but You, me, paul, ian double date?! sound apealing? Kind of to break the ice, thing. What are your thoughts on this idea? I miss Doctor Who :( I need my Doctor back. I need my british television. I shall go watch some sooooon. :) I'm being such a bum today I'm just sitting in my jammies bumming on the interweb. As I always do XD Wanna know who I love? Danny Worsnop! He's such an adorable teddy bear hehe. I wanna spoon with hiimmmm. Does that sound weird? probs. oh wellllllll, I am not ashamed of the fangirlness spewing from my mouth! that sounded weird.... Anyways Not as long as I had hoped. But not too bad. Enjoi!! Btw you also need to watch Merlin! It's amazing! so many yummy people in it.... hehe anyways adios!

Thanks for the comment on Blood On My Hands! I'd totally forgotten about that story until you commented on it! And i'm really glad you liked it, most people would be like 'wtf is this sh*t', but your comment made me smile. Thanks again! :D

Alright. Apparently I didn't give myself enough time to heal and relax, not that it was working anyways. Fine. I'll goodbye you too. But I'm not going to fucking disappear, so don't expect me just to go away.

And if all your other friends aren't enough for you, I'll always be here. Maybe eventually I'll decide that you're not worth my time and effort, but if some stupid boy breaks your heart I will beat him up.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY! I JUST HATE TO THINK THAT YOU'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THAT I EXIST AND THAT YOU DON'T CARE AT ALL WHEN I STILL FEEL SO MUCH FOR YOU, WHETHER IT SEEMS LIKE IT OR NOT! And now I'm gonna read that one fucking comment over and over and over again and cry my little eyes out and I don't know what you're going to do or feel.

My mom is probably going to move me to another school, subsequently using up what little money we have left, if she finds out about this, because I can't honestly stand the way the people I thought loved me treat me now. Those who don't glare at me refuse to talk to me and treat me like I'm a pile of shit.

Thank you for not leaving something really nasty. My fucking heart can't take much more right now. Come to think of it, neither can yours. I would take back all of that if I could. I don't know how to trap things in my head, Corey. I'm going to blow up soon and then everyone will hate me. I don't know where this monster came from, but apparently Homecoming and Streetcar succeeded in bringing it right out of me. And I'm afraid, of course, because I'm a fucking coward.

If you weren't aware of this, you can't go back and delete comments on here later. Otherwise I would have. I told you I'm sorry. Honestly, I really don't want to cry to my parents again. They'll get really mad at me for talking to you in the first place. IF I COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR YOU, I WOULD, AND TRUST ME, I TRY. I'm really freaking sorry. I don't know what's too much and that's my fault. I don't understand why or how you go from being fucking nice to me for once to snapping at me like I'm a fucking monster.

You know what I just realized?? I'M A MINORITY! I've always wanted to be a minority! The word sounds so respectable yet tragic! Yay! I'm special! And not even because of my skin color! *party*

I don't even know...

Wow, that was mean. I'm sorry.

I need my ice cream now. And I oughta do my homework.

*reality check*

aahhhhhh, I love the little voice in my head that calls you nasty names when I'm upset.

take that with a grain of salt. i'm exhausted and i haven't talked to you in a week and i so desperately miss being loved instead of just being a fucking freak.

At least you have hope of kissing someone within the next decade.

I'm sure you enjoyed Streetcar, since, unlike me, you didn't have to go through the pain of realizing halfway through that it's just a roadmap for your life. I'm insane and I hate that! I'd probably fuck the first person who told me I'm not!

I spent all of last week hating you because I thought that you'd forgotten about my existence except for to sic Meredith's evil glares on me already. But then, of course, you came running for my help and I've been in a state of extreme conflict ever since. I have a million reasons to hate you and a million reasons to love you and, to be incredibly honest, I've given everything I have up for you a hundred times over in the past few months and in return you kissed me twice, snuggled me a few times, juked with random boys at homecoming, looked at me like I was a freak when I told you that I was afraid, and called me a creep when I 37-ed your 500.

So, please don't tell me that this is a one-sided relationship anymore. I take every possible moment to brighten your day, whether you realize it or not.

It kinda feels like shit only to talk to you on this stupid website... I don't know... I miss my best friend even though I like Izzy and Rachel a lot more than being treated like a stupid freak of a freshie. I guess I miss having somebody who bothered to understand me, since that's COMPLETELY lost now. And I miss having someone to dedicate myself to. Mostly I hate feeling like you're avoiding me outright, cuz it feels... rude, I guess.

I cried for half an hour when Izzy told me you're not coming back to swimming, even though I spent the half hour before that panicking about seeing you.

Every once in a while I hate everything. Little things come up and I just don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to hide and go away. I want to plead insanity to the whole wide world. I have so much fear hiding inside of me and nobody understands it, nobody wants to, and that's terrifying in itself.

I did not choose to be alone. And now I just fucking suffocate over and over and over again. I hate thinking and I hate remembering. I hate knowing that someday the town of Laurel, Louisiana is practically going to pass a town ordinance against me because I'M A FUCKED-UP FREAK.

I really, really, really want to be Oliver.

Before I was afraid to, but now I REALLY want to. That would give me something to wake up for. Something to sleep for. Something more important than watching Nina be better than me, watching Eliza sing Santa Baby in an obnoxious sexy voice, watching fucking Meredith walk by day after day after day and look at me like I'm a pile of dirt and having your words playing in my head: 'she wouldn't do anything if I told her not to.' So you commanded her to make me feel like shit or what? That's so friendly of you. Oh so friendly.

I don't know what to say, Corey. I just don't know. I'm sick of being treated like shit. It's kinda hard to avoid, though. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, just thinks that I'm a psycho freak. For once in my life, can't I have one of my happy moments back?? You made me feel like a real person instead of a monster! And now you won't even look at my face.

I could list all the lies you fed me right here and right now, but that'd just make me cry and it's unnecessary. But you promised me on the lovely night of August 27th at approximately 10:30 PM that YOU WOULD NEVER ABANDON ME. Then I told you how I felt and you called it 'beautiful'. Well, thanks for leaving me to fend for myself. I should've seen what you meant by 'you're my experimental game, just human nature.'

shit, this is mean

aggggghh

i don't know what to do with myself, i need a fucking purpose in life

EXCEPT I DON'T HAVE ONE, BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO LOVE ME. NO ONE. EVER. THIS SUCKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE ALONE BUT YOU CHOSE TO BE ALONE SO THAT YOU COULD LEARN TO 'BE DEPENDENT ON YOURSELF'. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING
OTHER
THAN
FUCKING
PRETEND.

WHY IS EVERYTHING ALL ABOUT PRETEND?

Today in the grocery store there was a man behind me who kept rocking his cart back and forth. At first it annoyed me, but then I got used to it, even though I didn't know why he was doing it. I finally looked back to see that there was a baby carriage or whatever you call it in the front of the cart. All I could see was a pair of fluffy pink-clad feet. I remembered this book we read in eighth grade where one of the characters (these were high schoolers) desperately wanted to get pregnant because her friend did and she wanted to feel like somebody loved her. At first I though she was just crazy, but I totally get it now. If I had a baby I'd have a purpose in life. A responsibility. Except I'd never be able to have a baby because I'm too terrified of boys to let them come anywhere near me. What's the point anyway? I hate boogers. I'd make a horrible mom.

I also saw a wine bottle called 337.

[i]Then it all fades to dust, and I’m left with the all-consuming creatures again, their stuttering legs telling me a story. Lies, I catch. And Forever. The rest is eaten by your open, fading mouth, enveloped just like the tiny daddy long legs crawling slowly down your throat. You are over, and I will never be able to fix that, no matter who you ever were. Goodbye.[/i]

*banging head repeatedly against wall* shoulda listened to myself in the first place. Shoulda been silent. Should've just shut my mouth and fucking suffered, it would've been so much easier...

how. how the fuck do you know me so well when i can't even dare to try to know what you're thinking because i'm always wrong.

i honestly thought that your life was perfect over the last week and that you were doing fantastically without me. for a few days, i was ok with that, but then i started to collapse and break down and then i made the mistake of looking up and seeing you a few times and you wouldn't even look at me and i was going insane because i thought i didn't matter at all anymore and then all of a sudden you're talking to me and i'm like... i don't even know what... i don't even know what to do, you know? i spent an entire day chattering incessantly about you and listening to rachel call you horrible names and say you're not worth it and then the next day my heart is aching for you and i NEED to help you. some part of me sees you in everything and i don't like to let that hurt me.

i saw ian for the first time in a while on friday. before i could even decide whether to ignore him or not, since i was convinced that all your friends hate me except sophia, his eyes got all big and he pointed at me dramatically and said 'you!' and gave me a big huge hug. i was like 'some people actually have the heart to stick with a psychofreak... this world is good deep down inside.'

i woke up the other day with a big nasty pimple-looking thing on my arm that i thought was a spider bite. obviously, i was incredulous. mary claire told me that it wasn't because spider bites leave two holes. i have concluded that there's an enormous army of venomous black-hole dust-spiders inside of me and they're eating me from the inside out.

you need to find strength in you, corey. you have to look the part before you can play the girlfriend. this is completely hypocritical of me, but you have to believe that you're worth it to be worth it.

(ok, yeah, say it, 'you're not gonna have a girlfriend til you're out of college because you're an idiotic crazy freak brat of a bitch and nobody fucking likes you.')

please don't give up. i honestly don't really consider myself to be in love with you anymore. i love you for all you've done for me, and of course physical attraction doesn't just go POOF! and disappear, but i'm so fucking sick of this that i'm just done. go and find someone better who's not a freak. have fun.

we're swimming in gym right now. when we were showering afterward, i could barely even stand to be in my normal shower because the tiles on the wall just made me think of those ridiculous silences when nobody knew what to say and i was usually crying. anyways, i found your shower and introduced it to my friend sarah as Invisible Corey. she gave the shower a funny look and then punched the water. i was like 'what was that for?' and she said 'invisible corey hurt my friend.'

i must be doing something right. she's not the only one.

EEEEEUUUUGH enough about me.

i can't get that play out of my head

aaaaagh

it's like i have no future, like i'm just gonna fucking wither away and rot in insanity, and do you have any idea how many people would confirm that?

AAAAAGGGH

it's times like these that i hate love. times when you want a rebound and you can't even fucking find one. HELLO CRUEL WORLD, ARE WE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU? WE'RE NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR EACH OTHER ANYMORE, BUT WE CAN'T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE ELSE, HUH? this is not fucking fair.

streetcar reminded me of things i didn't want to be reminded of.

i've run out of words. unraveled once again. please don't give up. you're worth something.

HAVE I GONE MAD?

or am i just a crazy freak, not even deserving of such a word?

[i]make me something, oh cruel world, give me a me to believe in.[/i]

shivers? shivers?! it's not about shivers, it's about having a giant asphyxiation of a monster inside of you gripping your ribcage and rendering your body to be simply the black hole that it is, the nothing, the useless, the end, when you're too tender and too small and too afraid and you lose your desire, it's about the one that nobody will hold when mitch fucking takes her in his arms and i remember moments like that, good and miserable and lies, and that is asphyxiation.

i saw it. i almost threw up.

it was amazing, of course. but now i will drown and my wings will be lost. and i will drown. asphyxiate. who is this but nothing, empty, hopeless. who is this but useless beauty. who is this but spider fodder.

*shudder*

to sleep tonight will be quite a task. my imagination will have to work even harder than usual. how long will it be before they all come back? ghosts? they're everywhere and they're always talking to me. reminding me. [i]you had something once and you were a slave, a sacrifice, not a lover but a twisted little doll.[/i] her fingers are too slender to do anything but bend backwards and break. her heart is that black hole hanging from a thread of a golden chain. her eyes are the ocean, the ice, the death all packed into one and they pierce her from the outside in. she does not like to be trapped in her own jar, with the ghosts cackling at her from outside. can't you hear them?!? aren't they everywhere?

i'm sorry

i shall go unthink now

I commanded myself to stop talking to you but then... this...

I'm finding music that doesn't remind me of you. This is half from Foo Fighters and half from a shitty old Frerard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6P0SitRwy8

THOSE are blue eyes.

Today at swimming I got flirted with by a French foreign exchange student who's three years older than me. Gotta love that YWCA...

I'm trying to get someone to go see it with me. I hope Izzy and Rae will. Otherwise I'll just go with my mom XP im goin ta yoga clubbbb!!!

Here! I found something to cheer you up! My family discovered this a few years ago when my aunt made a CD of everyone's favorite Christmas songs (I don't think I picked anything... eh) and my uncle chose this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCg1I84VTaU

Well, if it wasn't, thank you, I'm flattered.

There's a guy in my Humanities class who can beatbox dubstep-style. It's really cool. I think you would like him.