mauricewashere / Comments

my dreams are all about you at least pretending to try to understand me, so, well, they do me no good. i can't daydream anymore. it hurts too much.

i don't know what to get out of you sometimes. one minute you're genuinely caring and the next you act as if i ought to just disappear and not exist anymore. i really want to feel like i'm trustworthy, since you're supposed to be my best friend, and you ARE the only person that I trust most of the time, but you don't want me... i just hate feeling like i'm not worth anything. like i don't have anything to do with my life. right now i have no dreams. i have nothing to look forward to. sure, life is awfully hard for a freshman and all, especially a lonely, confused, heartbroken freshman who made the mistake of hanging out with older people and is now generally treated like shit, but shouldn't i have some sort of dream?

i feel like an empty shell. there's no alyssa left and there's NOTHING left and all there is is fear and loneliness and hatred and nobody loves any of those things. ever. i need me back! i need a dream!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw2Ic_2XdVQ&ob=av2e

WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH??

hahaaa, exactly. nobody fucking cares and nobody fucking bothers and when they do they refuse to realize why i exalt them... all my life i've been cast away from other people because everyone thinks i just want to be alone. all the time. i'm not antisocial AT ALL. i'm just awkward and shy and i don't know how to handle other people, so everybody assumes that i never need a hug or a kiss or a snuggle or a bit of encouragement... and then when all i get is nasty looks, i go cry in a corner cuz nobody loves me!

:(

i think you need to remember that hope is UNCONDITIONAL. you must learn not to say 'nah, that won't happen' but instead to sit around daydreaming about what actually could happen. like i do. actually... no, don't do that, that has broken my heart so many times i can't even count.

we still need to have a lightsaber fight in a tardis.

i felt like i was back in p.e. health all over again last night... i managed to fall asleep by listing the qualities of a good friend. the list was so long and convoluted that i couldn't go through and ask 'do i exhibit this toward corey?' for every one. but somehow it made me feel a bit better and then i fell asleep.

kelly has the most gorgeous eyelashes i've ever seen.

if i get to school and find you and just pretty much collapse onto your shoulder and break down... well, i'll give you a hug if you need one. which i think you do. you're also in desperate need of yoga. OO DUDE THE NEXT ONE IS THIS SATURDAY! you should come! saturday night at heaven meets earth! we go in our pj's and drink tea and do face masks and lay with our feet up on the wall and last month we wrote down something that was troubling us on a piece of paper and then we RIPPED IT UP!! i was very enthusiastic about that. you actually couldn't read my paper at all because every spare inch of space was covered... but, anyways, i think you should come. it'd give you a safe place and maybe some peace of mind. and i always leave thinking 'LOOK AT ME, IMMA FUCKIN GODDESS!' which is a nice feeling.

but, seriously, you are in dire need of inner peace. and a HUG! CUZ HUGS ARE NICE! aw shit i gotta go to swimming bye.

hahaha I like your too.

My family is hilarious.
My brother is gonna be an exorcist when he grows up. He's practicing on the cat.

Look at me, crying to myself without provocation or reason just because nobody fucking loves me and everybody wishes I would just curl up in a fucking corner and die! Look at this! Why am I even sad today? NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED! It's not like you walked up to me and screamed 'LOOK AT ME, I HAVE A BRAIN AND I GOT OVER YOU ALREADY, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA JUST PROOF THAT IT WAS ONLY A FUCKING GAME TO ME' or anything! I'm just so mad and so depressed and I don't know why and I don't know what to do! This is beyond needing a hug, I need somebody to fucking hold me and never ever ever let me go but nobody wants to do that because you have other people to love who aren't stupid clingy jealous crybabies and fucking GIRLS. BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING LIKE GIRLS BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A FREAK LIKE ME. I just hate this world sometimes. I hate it. I wish I had some fucking excuse for being depressed out of the blue. But I don't. I'm just fucking sad and nobody cares and nobody helps and if I thought I felt unwanted before, it's NOTHING compared to now. Nobody wants me. I'm so fucking alone and stupid and unloved and no one even cares! WHY CAN'T ANYONE EVER LOVE ME?!? Why can't you even remember without making it look like we were just experimental fuckbuddies? It was more than that! Nobody else agrees, but IT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING MORE THAN THAT!

this isn't fair

i wanna go hooome
but i am home
i don't know what home is
i wanna belong somewhere
i don't belong anywhere
i wanna hug
i wanna love someone without being wrong
i can't
this is not fair

oh, and i'm sorry i was an ass about your hair. if you dye all of it, i will warn you, i may go into a convulsive fit. that's almost as bad as if you got a nose job or started wearing foundation... OH GOD FUCK MY LIFE I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT A FAKE COREY, THE THOUGHT OF THIS IS LITERALLY MAKING MY RIBCAGE IMPLODE. nooooo it hurts

Hey there! I'm bored! Being home alone sick can only be entertaining for so long. I've just been watching medieval british television all day XD So what am I going to do? Spam your wall! Sorreeee! My cold isn't as bad! I can breathe and I don't cough as much! So you shall see me tomorrow. I misses you :( and I wanna see this sexy red hair of yours ;) I like your new username, It's always fun to be like oooh what new awesome username has Corey come up with today! :) My hair's being a butt and it keep's falling in front of my eyes so I can't see grrrr. My phone just rang. I never answer my phone anymore. Well. Home phone. Who uses a home phone anymore? haha, Well I guess some people do. I do a little bit.I need to do Chemistry homework, I'm so behind! I'm glad I got a day off from bowling today. It's taking over my life! Now I know how you feel in swimming season. But you at least get to see sexy swimsuit clad ladies, and you're with Leks a lot. I got no one! Well I like the people on my team. Except for this one girl.... Ugh. But yeah ANGST! I want to hang with you next weekend. You have the opportunity to get me all to yourself for the next two weekends because Ian's gone/busy at those times. and if he makes it into dci (which would be awesom! and a great ego boost!) he'll be gone all summer! Meh, but it would still be epic if he made it :) I want to see if I can completely cover this whole page with just one message. Do you realize how epic that would be! Wow... is that sad? No! It's internet awesomeness! Haha!! The upside to all my business is that Idon;t have to go to therapyyy! :) I can't wait till Impact I miss Impact :( Stupid sickness... It's keeping me from God! jkjkjkjkjk! But yeah We need to go next week IT IS A NUMBER UNO PRIORITY! I want snow. I need snow. I'm not in the holiday spirit without snow! Ugh! Stupid global warming... what if it actuall is global warming! what if by the time we're adults our children will only know snow as a fairytale part of history! and they'll ask us "mommy, what was snow like?" I can't bear it! I'm a Chicagoan! I need my snow!!! But according to my dad we're going to have a tough winter. Maybe the weather people up in the clouds are just building it all up then BOOM HELLA SNOW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! TAKE THAT EARTHLINGS! I love rambling it's so much fun, and it makes people laugh :) I hope this makes you laugh because that's all I want in life. to make people laugh. Well actually it's one of the many things I want in life. Another is having the TARDIS show up on my doorstep and the Doctor walk out in his bowtie and fez and says "Hey Meredith let's go on adventures to far off places and meet aliens and change history!" bte have you gotten to Tennant yet? I really want to watch Tennant with you. I love Tennant honestly he is my favorite Doctor. Matt Smith will always be my first and a great one. but Tennant... He was just... Tennant! I can;t wait for the Christmas special! I know you want the Pond's but I just want the Doctor with his bowties and quirkiness. I also want to see him with different companions. Because we've only seen him with the Ponds. With Tennant you saw him with three different MAIN companions, and loads of others. I hope Craig and Alfie come back for a few more episodes. That would be nice :) He was my favorite. It would be so cool if they brought Jack back for an episode! But he left Doctor Who when Tennant did. After Tennant they sort of tied all loose ends and started over. Completely new Doctor, companions, TARDIS, writer, story lines, etc. Damn this is long! I think I may be done spamming. It would be funny if you read all of this :) okee well byeee, btw text me about Noah! I wanna know bout himmm!!! kk Love you!

PLEASE STOP CONFUSING ME.

i had a shitty day and i hate myself and i'm jealous of everyone and you're just confusing me.

and no matter what i do, i can't cheer myself up. nothing is working. this is all just a lump of shit and i hate my life and i hate myself even though i don't even know who 'myself' is but you don't seem to care, or else you'd fucking lend me a hand every once in a while. i must have some purpose in life other than crying and wallowing and hating. and being fucking jealous all the time because you like everyone else more than me even though i used to come first on your list. once upon a time. it's not fair!

i just deleted an entire comment chock-full of sadness and jealousy. STOP RIGHT THERE, NOT BOY-JEALOUSY, MEREDITH-JEALOUSY. almost as bad, but not as 'omg it's been almost two months get the fuck over it you stupid bitch'.

i've decided that you're a dragon. i had a dream last night where everyone told me your skin was gonna get scaly but i refused to believe them and i said that 'as long as i know the exact pH level of her skin [fuck biochemistry] i will love her' and i did. then meredith inadvertently tried to kill me. so much fun!

gonna go wallow in self-hatred now cuz EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES SOMEONE ELSE AND NOBODY BOTHERS TO STOP FOR A MOMENT AND LISTEN TO THE GIRL WHO JUST WANTS TO BE HELD

bye

It's good, I guess. I took my SAT today and now I'm ready for a nap.

-kayt

I'M THE DOCTOR
MY NAME IS WHO
DON'T FORGET THAT
IT'S IMPORTANT

look how annoying i am!!! YAY

Ella is corrupting my lanemate with 'sexy' pictures of Zac Efron. I might need to intervene with some Way action.

or leto... heheheeeheheheheheheh Jared is the only man alive who i still consider to be absurdly sexy.

I had a dream last night that I was really horny and I was trapped in Victoria's Secret ALL ALONE. And all the bras had awkward kitten ears O.o

GAH CAPITAL LETTERS

You're right. You've probably never been in love before. I might not even be. But you know how to love, and I know that for a fact, and believe it or not that's all you really need.

*taking a trip down GOOD memory lane* you didn't abandon me; you might have been freaked out of your mind but you gave me a chance. even if it was just an experiment. and it was real. you said so. and i don't know if you ever learned to love me more than you already did, but the way you've treated me now, hugging me every time i obnoxiously demand it and at least attempting to lift me up every once in a while when it's the end of my fucking world, proves that you loved me a lot. maybe you don't understand it, i don't know. i don't even know how much i love you sometimes; trust me, abbie could probably only begin to tell you how much of a confusing wasteland-thing my brain is. she gets to listen to me lamenting about the color of your cheeks 99% of the time and the moment i'm pmsing BAM, revenge revenge revenge kill revenge violence rawr and then the moment i'm not pmsing anymore i'm like ...HOLD UP A SECOND why the motherfucking hell would i do that?!? i have no reason to! she's my best friend on the fucking planet!! and abbie is still like WHY YOU SO SCARY while sarah, my violent friend who gets joy out of high fiving injured swimmers as hard as she possibly can, is all like 'that story? oh, it was really good. fantastic, actually. you should write more.' baha.

anyways... now that i'm done freaking out half of the planet... yeah. my point is, you ARE gonna find someone. and you're gonna love them and if you're not in love, you can still love them. i promise. and if i freak out, send me to swim practice. seriously. auto hormone-diffuser. that's probably not what diffuser means. whenever i get really bored, i daydream that something absolutely horrendous has happened to you just so that i can be the hero and rescue you and then be really nice and make you happy again. and, surprisingly enough, i don't spend that much time sitting around thinking terribly sexual things about you cuz I'M NOT AN IDIOT! there was just this one time in forever 21... oh gawd that was baaaad. horny alyssa must die. now.

remind me only to shop for myself from now on
especially in stores with see-through lacy things

*ahem* onnnn topic. it's early... brain no function right... i have to go eat breakfast... must summarize... aha!

DON'T
GIVE
UP.

no matter what i say.

keep loving. keep snuggling people (including me *sniffle*) (look at my brain fight itself) and keep smiling and keep dancing and keep singing and keep laughing and keep doctor-ing and keep happying. there's more love out there than you think and so much of it is already directed at you. you have a chance. so keep your chin high and LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HURT/BEEN HURT BEFORE! iloveyoubye.

I WILL DO ANYTHING! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE EVEN SAYING OTHER THAN 'leave me the fuck alone you're not good enough!' and it's not like you always listen to me either, or else you'd quit treating me like crap and letting your friends treat me like crap and at least acknowledge everything that happened so i'm not fucking TRAPPED. IN. A. STUPID. BOX. ALL. FUCKING. ALONE.

i'm so scared, corey

and you're so fucking lucky that you're capable of trying to love for once when i can't even think of it without fucking crying. i just want to actually BE FUCKING HAPPY for once but i'm convinced that nobody will ever love me.

well... i can hug you if it'll help

i can do ANYTHING if it'll help

not really, there's only so much i can handle

but i hate feeling guilty when i'm supposed to help you

...i don't think two months is the same to you as it is to me. it's all still like yesterday to me and at the same time i feel like i was dreaming the entire time because
EVERYONE
FUCKING
ACTS
LIKE
IT
NEVER
HAPPENED

and then i don't even have any good memories to look back on! and even when i do i feel nasty because they just make you feel like... i don't even know! it's not fair to anybody! i feel like i'm fucking taking advantage of you because i still fucking love you so much and you're desperate to find someone who's ACTUALLY FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH AND NOT JUST A STUPID UGLY FAILURE BITCH-FAGGOT OF AN IDIOT LIKE ME.

someone who doesn't have blue eyes.

They're great!!!! Look up their song Scream, it's one of my favorites =D Drown isn't on YouTube yet, but another good one is Sarcasm, featuring the lead singer of ETF ^_^

ITHOUGHTYOUDIDN'TFUCKINGLIKEHUGS

i call myself a failure because you won't accept them and i don't know how to cheer you up.

i AM a failure. i treat myself like a failure. i feel like a failure. and i fucking try and try and try and AAAAAAGGH

ian hugged me today and he had stubble O.o and then everyone in my math class was staring at me. honestly? could i be more of blatant fucking faggot?!?

i guess i'll just scream contradictory conflictedness at myself and bang my head against random things and rant about how useless my existence is now. ugh my face is getting all hot. and maybe i should figure out how to make this... ugly... black hole... thing go away cuz it really fucking hurts.

like, owwwwch. physical pain.

but, seriously, it hasn't even been two months and i'm still fucking... god, i can't even begin. how the hell do you get over things so fucking fast?

It's a song by Get Scared =]