fen'harel / Comments

Yeah see I've tried talking to my mom, like honestly I go to her and I stand in front of her and spew my guts and she's all, "Yeah I understand and I'm sorry" and the shit happens again and again and she always yells at me for crying because she's just so mean AND THEN SHE GETS MAD AT ME FOR TELLING HER THE TRUTH ABOUT IT. I told my brother, but he can't help me or us now because he moved to California. I asked my mom if she liked living with me the other day and she said, "Who doesn't like living with their kid?" and I thought, "You only like it because you get to put me down as an outlet for your own shit."

I'm not like really not eating, i'm just not eating as much as I used to I guess. I don't know what other ways to lose the weight.

I run a lot, on the off days i'm not vaulting i'm most likely running. It doesn't help much.

I am not above confronting him and I did. That just made me wanna punch somebody in the face. Like honestly. I don't understand why people that are so dead set against LGBTQ have to go so far as telling people to kill themselves. Like we hear that shit enough, we deal with enough shit and if you're religious and saying it, you're even worse. Would God condone that? Fuck no, probably not, we aren't telling people to slit their wrists, we're just trying to live our own lives. UGH.

I don't really want to sound shallow or vain or anything but one thing that is really, really bothering me is my weight, and it's not body image things. I've been the same solid unchanging weight for about four years. I've been from 120-127 pounds basically, fluctuating when i'm on my period or something and another but my coach this year, he's such a good coach and everything and he was like, "So how much do you weight?" and I told him like 120-125 and he gave me a 120 pole to use. I'm 2 pounds overweight for that pole and I mean that's nothing terribly drastic but if i'm going to compete this summer at meets, I will be disqualified at the weigh in because of those two pounds. I can't work out any harder then I am now because if I do I won't be able to vault to the best of my ability and i'm already skimming on the meals i'm supposed to be eating. The scale just consistently says 122.4 pounds and it isn't changing.
Also, I mean the easiest thing would be to get a pole a weight up at 125 or 130 but the pole I've been working with is probably 11 feet and 6 inches holding 120 weight and the other poles might be shorter but thicker and it will hurt my run on the runway and the way I vault. It takes so long to get used to a pole and during the season I had been using a 150 11 feet 6 inch pole and that itself was crazy. I guess it's a little harder to explain without using some pole vault terms but basically i'll have more trouble getting onto the mats safely if I switch now to another pole.

The real problem though is something that happened between me and my mom last night. Some of it is in the confessions thread and it just made me feel so upset and hurt. And today she has the nerve to say i'm in a funk. I have no say in this house, if I was with my pa he would totally hear me out, I wouldn't get beat into the ground and walked all over like i'm a fucking child. I'm not a child and the fact that my mother won't stop fucking screaming for two seconds to listen to me just makes me feel as though she doesn't give two shits about me. :l I hate it and I can't stand that about her.

Did you meet the person taking your job?

Hah if you say so.

I'm just really sad right now, and hurting a lot. I guess I feel kind of sick too. It's probably all of the above and rapidly advancing depression.

How about you?

Thank you very much for the comment :

LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE LEE!

I decided to take my chances (while my eyes are fucking red and my face was dying from crying) and write up that chapter. I plan on rewriting the last three, but it's there for you. c: Thank you for being so patient and helpful, I appreciate it so much.

YES!!

Yeah, I like it how it is now but one more character won't be too bad. c:

Awh, no way.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A FIRM HAND AND A REWRITE!

Hannah, she's a very happy soul. She inspires me to love myself as I am. She's also a lesbian but I mean WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

My birthday is on the fourth of October. I just think it's a sign when I see it somewhere. Also, 1004 is a beautiful number.

I'm not sure ,I really like how it's her as one character but you make it so she does interact with other people. If anything, you can make one more main character and introduce them into the story and keep the interactions with the more non-existent ones. Or something like that.

Oh wow, that sounds intense xD
POST IT AGAIN

I hope the guy doesn't get sick.

I'm alright, trying to keep my spirits up by singing. I'm singing that and Hannah Hart makes me so happy xD

It's okay. I'm obsessive over the number 4 and all numbers that could come to equal 4. 13, 31, 41, 40, 4, 51, 62, so on and so forth. Like honestly if I see it, I will be like

Ohh you're so on top of your updates.
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THIS NEW CHARACTER. I might put another character into Degoutante, Sylvie and Cass need more friends but I gotta get the story going first. Fuck writer's block.
I bet you're excited!

Well that's interesting. Cool

Okay. c:

So how are you? What's new?

Ohh i'm not sure which to pick, I like them all.

Right?

c: ideas ideas, I will.

OMG I didn't even mean to do that. I just picked it because I needed a last name for her.

Romero Holguín how would you pronounce Holguín though?

Which do you like/think I should use?

daljdaldkjadamd Wow.

I want that.

Ah well. I think that if we have a reunion i'm going to tell her about my feelings for her, whether she has a boyfriend or not, I would want it off my chest.
She is the one in pink and I will love her goofy ass forever. That was all at an American football game, i'm too shy to take pictures with her.

I love horror, but i've convinced myself to be afraid of the dark as of late.

I feel ya, sometimes when I got to the movie I just feel like it was such a waste of time and money.

What last names go with Romero? Oh gosh.

Mibba was having such a hard time last night

Gosh, it's not eveeeeen adorable, it's unbearable.
I'm all hot and bothered now because I'm talking about her with you and another person. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?? I really want to hold onto these feelings, because they're the most real feelings i've ever felt.

I cannot do zombies, unless it's in Warm Bodies, those were like baby zombies.
LOL! I haven't seen either of those movies but everyone raves about em.

Oh yeah I needa fix Cassie's last name.

I wish I could capture the beauty and perfectness that she is in just a daydream. I miss her so much. I'll try though, she's great.

What movie would you have rather seen?

Ohh, I see.
Well I dunno. I need Kiana. She's my inspiration, my only solid inspiration for this story and I don't even know.

I'll just wait for it to show free on TV then c:

I don't even know, what do betas do?

I love the minions, they're cute but I haven't seen Despicable Me 2.

I kind of know what I want to write, where I want to go and a lot of the chapter is written but it just sounds so terrible. And I don't know how to write this part i'm at, i'm just stuck.

What did you go see?

Ugh, Lee I don't think I can do it.
The chapter is terrible, and it sounds really bad and it's ridiculous.

O: THAT IS PERFECT!