Smashed Pumpkin. / Comments

The world is misinterpreting me recently. Even I don't understand me anymore. I don't know whether I've changed or everyone else has. I'm sick of it.

Today was just as shit as this weekend. You don't need to know my crap. Ha. Sorry. Your profile is like my big ranting page.
xxx

Personally, I think it's all frustration. I just feel so useless sitting on my ass whilst waiting for this thing to go away. Every time I try to do something and I fail, well... it feels like the end of everything. Suddenly everything that was quite simple, isn't anymore. I can't help but feel like a failure sometimes. And you know, I used to think I really knew what it was like to feel well - for want of a better word - depressed whenever I wrote about it in stories and stuff and I've realised that I know nothing. You're right, I am too switched on. I think its because I'm terrified of what might happen if I switch off.

I feel like such a liar though. My hypnotherapist says I'm doing really well, but I don't feel any form of progression. In theory, you are right that you're supposed to hit rock bottom and build up because there's no where else to go, but all I can think is that every time I try to build up and move on, I can't. I get so far and then I hit rock bottom again. As I said, it's like fighting a losing battle.

Sorry, you don't deserve all this shit piled on you. I swear, I owe you so much for hearing me out. My friends haven't really. They just keep wondering why I'm not at school and lying about the fact that they "really notice I'm not there."
xxx

Oh I totally agree, especially if someone is in that silently angry mode - and you don't know they're upset until they slam something, like a door for example. Because then the slamming of the door makes me jump and I'm all like "whoah, I didn't know you were angry".

I have pretty much everything that someone who's mental would have. I have a hypnotherapist, a psychologist, and a counsellor. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm sectioned soon. Or if I kill myself. I wouldn't be surprised about that either. People keep saying: [i]you know you can speak to me if there's anything bothering you.[/i] but I don't know what's bothering me. I don't know why I'm not healing either. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. This thing is fucking ruining me. Strangely, I don't see a future for me anymore. I don't see what I used to:- university, year in America, degree, PGCE, teaching in America. I don't see that anymore. All I can see is black. My future's disappeared.

I hate this. I don't want to admit it, but it's winning, whether I like it or not. I feel like I just want to hold up a white flag. That's it. Over. I don't have the strength to do this anymore. It's fucking me off. It's making me miserable.
xxx

Unfortunately my mother is being a bitch right now, so her support doesn't really exist. So yeah, I understand that this whole thing is frustrating, but it doesn't seem to dawn on her how fucking frustrating it is for me. I mean, my God, it's fucking happening to me - not her. She's never had a panic attack in her life, nor has she really got any fears of anything. Sometimes I just feel like screaming that I'm so sorry she got a fuck-up as a daughter and that surprisingly her behaviour isn't helping. Right now she's downstairs in the kitchen, bashing pans about and moaning about how I didn't go out today.

Ugh, I'll stop moaning at you.

I have severe anxiety right now. Dare I say it, I think it's leading to depression.
xxx

You're not crazy! Although I feel like I am sometimes. It's referred to as 'emetophobia' - the fear of being sick - and if it was an uncommon fear it wouldn't have a definition. Or that's what I think anyway... I hope. Ha. Luckily for me I have met one person in real life who also has it. Hers was so extreme she became extremely paranoid that she had contracted cancer from her ex-boyfriend because obviously chemotherapy means a lot of vomiting... To people who don't have this fear, her concern seems illogical. To me, it makes perfect sense, even though you can't 'contract cancer'.

For me, I will do literally anything I can to avoid it. I eat small amounts so that my stomach isn't too full, or rather not full enough to do that thing where you get a little bit of sick in your mouth. That happens because you've eaten too much, so I eat minimal amounts now. My bodily feelings go from being so hungry I feel sick, to feeling so full that I'm scared I'm going to be sick - so I can't win at the moment. I've dropped from a size 10-12 to an 6-8 because of it. Numerous psychologists have told me that I don't have an eating disorder, even though I've explained many times that whenever I look at food, all I can see is it half-digested and surrounded by my stomach acid. I get terrified when people mention that they're feeling nauseous, or if someone even says it on the TV - I can't watch whatever it is.

Panic attacks are my utter downfall. I'm on beta-blockers so I can't feel my heart thumping in my chest, because obviously I then worry that my heart is going to stop at any second. I don't like the fact it makes me unable to breathe, which is a fundamental thing that everyone can do easily and suddenly I can't do it like everybody else. If I'm in a public place I can get so overwhelmed that I start crying, and then that leads to paranoia that everyone is looking at me and thinking "Oh my God, what a complete loser!". Strangely, I get panic attacks in situations where I can't escape, or where there is no-where for me to be sick at. For example, cars and buses are particularly bad for me, because I have no control over them. Usually I'm not a sufferer of travel sickness, but even the fact that it [i]could[/i] happen makes me panic.

For me, I never liked being sick in the first place, but after I contracted a vomiting bug - I was being violently sick for a good 9 hours straight. It was horrendous.

And you know, unlike people who have fears of butterflies or spiders - yeah, well the only way for me (and you) to face my fear is to make myself physically sick, and knowing what will happen means I'm never going to do it.

[/stops getting it all of my chest]

I've had it bad lately. Can you tell? Haha.
xxx

Ah yeah, I know of someone who has tried to get into a fashion college for three years running now, and she got turned down again in August, so she now owns 7 full A-Levels, which is going to fuck her up because no employer is going to want to employ someone who is more qualified than them... It's annoying. I don't think I honestly stand a chance of getting into uni anymore. My mum was trying to tell me that everything would be fine, but I was supposed to go to an open day today and I couldn't handle being in the car so we hardly got onto the motorway. I feel like even if I did get accepted, I can't see myself going. Fuck, sometimes I feel a complete mess.

Basically it's stemmed from a fear of being sick, so I struggle to get into the car or on a bus because I panic about travel sickness. I don't like being in classrooms because I feel it's not polite to just walk out (although I've been told by my teachers that I'm to do that if I need to). It's just become so complicated. It wouldn't be a lie if I said that I've actually considered just giving up on everything. Thankfully, my writing has kept me sane.
xxx

Ah I've been a little shit as of late actually. Been diagnosed with anxiety and it's meant I've had to miss a month of sixth form already and so it's putting my university application in jeopardy. Sigh. I'm a little sick of it to be perfectly honest. Really, that's an understatement. I guess the only good side is it's meant I've gotten my muse back and so I'm writing more.

How's your life going?
xxx

Hey, it's been a while so I'll be surprised if you remember me, haha. How are you?
xx

oh, no problem!
thank you, by the way.

A little irritated, but fine.

No problem.
How are you? :D

so basically I stumbled across your profile and it's lovely. And I was wondering, where is that Leo photo from? It's beautiful. I wasn't sure if it was a photoshoot type thing or a screencap from a movie.

But yes. You have excellent taste. ^_^

Hello! I was talking with you about Flickr before, and I thought I'd let you know I've resurrected my old account.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wysockiphotography/

:)

D: well, i changed it, anyway. i didn't know that. thanks for letting me know. :)

it might be just me, but (i thought you should know that) your story links at the bottom of the page take you to the mibba front page, and not the story.

I love Frou Frou <3

yeah, i agree; it's not like star girl or five colours or one for the radio, that really catchy individual sound that grabs you. it's a generic song - not bad, but okay. i hope the rest of the album sounds a bit more like their old selves. :3

i'm staying till thursday. and i'm going tomorrow, so i won't be online till then, so i'm not ingoring you if i don't reply! :L

Thank you! (:

Do you have a link to the torrent you used? :) the online version has strange foregin subtitles over the normal speaking =/

Oh my gosh thank you so much :D I've been unable to find a decent online one, I've been looking since like Christmas or something... ^_^