The Passed Away - Comments

New to MIBBA, but when I read others work, I see it for what they are saying, not what I wish they WERE saying, COULD be saying, SHOULD HAVE said, or the grammar. I joined to be a part of something my niece enjoys. I find this writing-- a deep thought out work of pain/relief/hope/seeking.

ha, im country grammer dont bother me
Good Job!!!!!!
I dont take no stuff from some gramma nut!! Iz be fine how i iz!!! ;)

I agree with some of so legit.'s critiques, and I think that in your first stanza, int he scond line, "in the lawn." should really be "on the lawn," just to be clear.
I really liked your idea, though. And I like the sub-story you snuck in there in the second last stanza which I think was really ingenious. The rhymes were good and it was just really good overall.

I'm a grammar nut, so excuse my excess gramatical correcting. Although, I do recommend you take these things into consideration.

Your first stanze needs to alter the period after "lawn" to a comma, and the comma after "May" is unnecessary and should be omitted. I would insert the phrase "I am" or "I'm" before "crying myself to sleep..." Right now you have a sentence fragment, and although this is allowed in poetry, personally, I think you look more intelligent and your poem seems more complete when you use correct grammar all throughout. I would also change, "but the paper read passed away" to "but the paper read 'passed away.'" And I would insert a comma after this piece. I'm not critiquing you on the grammar in the next-to-last stanza for reasons I will state later. You need a comma at the end of the next-to-last line. Also, I'd move the "once again" in the last line to the spot between "and" and "you'll". To be flagrant, I hate the wording of the last line. It's an imperative line, but it's worded oddly.

On a side note, most poetry capitalizes the beginning word of each line. You don't have to, but to follow tradition, you may.

I don't like the next-to-last stanza, but I don't know what to suggest because I think it contains crucial information. The "So many tears and my dad's many beers" tells a sub-story in itself, and I like the concept. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry!

I like the simplicity. You didn't say too much, and you said just enough to convey your point. Nicely done.

OMFG!
I love this!:)
It's my favorite.
I can relate in some ways
:D

I can totally relate to that peom