July 21st, 2009 at 05:22am
First stanza every line ends with 'you'. It has no rythem.
Also, every poem needs some form of structure, escpecially rhyming. There are certain types already laid out such as sonnets, cinquains, sestinas, etc.
If you dont want to follow one of those please make your own but keep all the stanzas with the same pattern and not so random.
Its word babble. Its messy. It needs editing.
Just a few sugestions.
Please don't take it the wrong way.
i luvved it, and i think yer a Grrrreat poet!
:)